Here are some more recent book reviews. For more of my reviews, see here http://tim223.xanga.com/category/book-reviews/
- The Dating Manifesto, by Lisa Anderson - I was somewhat disappointed in this book, but I think my expectations were too high. Most of her advice is relatively good, common-sense advice. However, there is very little that is new in here. It is more like a 'rant', to be honest, although one with reasonable advice, overall. Advice like 'stop seeking THE ONE', 'give some trusted friends veto power over your relationships', the importance of getting off the couch watching TV in the basement and growing up / becoming more mature / getting involved in the church, etc.
Having recently read (and reviewed) Thomas Umstattd's book about dating which came out the same day (August 1, 2015), I was interested to hear the advice from a single female perspective. Lisa Anderson is 43, and has worked at the Christian singles magazine "Boundless" (part of Focus on the Family) for many years.
Her writing style is to point out extremes on two sides, and rail against them with witty language. "Don't be like THIS, but on the other hand don't be like THIS either." Unfortunately, I did not find this helpful, because everyone knows to avoid those extremes. I was looking for info that was practical, that I could use in my own life.
Sometimes her advice seems to be contradictory. For example, in one place she writes:
"I'm always puzzled by guys who say they're waiting for God to bring their wives to them, or at the very least they're waiting for God to point them out. Um, when did that ever happen in the Bible, except maybe for Adam? In the stories I read, men are going to wells to find their wives or they're enlisting family members to assist in the search or they're letting women glean in their fields after discerning their reputation and marriageability. ... Your search needs to begin with a healthy amount of prayer to align your attitudes and expectations. Then you figure out who's in your circle. Because that's the most logical place to start. Observe the habits and character of the single women you know. Interact with them if you can, whether in class, at church functions, volunteer opportunities, or whatever. You don't need their complete history, just an idea of what they're about. Remeber, you date to find out the rest. Then the simple but hard part: ask one girl out. Just do it."
But on the other hand, she wrote in another place:
"One other word for both men and women on the matter of friendship: I hear many singles, primarily those who are in mixed-gender groups that socialize a lot together, say that they are hesitant to date folks in their sphere of acquaintance because they don't want to ruin the friendship. This is so lame. By the time you're out of college, your opposite-sex friend group should be dwindling. Because, quite frankly, you don't have time to invest in all those people. Furthermore, if you're afraid to risk dating one or more of those friends because you fear things becoming awkward if it doesn't work out, you're eliminating a highly eligible pool of dateable people. Do you really need all those opposite-sex friends? Nope. If you're marriage-minded, what you need (and want), is a spouse. So don't make those friendships a priority. If you do, you'll be ten years down the road with an unwieldy gaggle of friends but no spouse in sight."
Of course, one could justify each of those passages, explaining how each one fits different circumstances. But it seems to me that they directly conflict with each other. How do you begin by looking for someone "in your circle", if you don't spend time building the circle of friendships in the first place? On the other hand, what if you invest energy in building a circle of friends of both sexes, but still don't find in your circle a person of the opposite sex that you want to marry?
I would say, "keep building the circle bigger." I suspect Lisa might agree, since in Chapter 10 she talks about all the time she pours into her friend circle.
On the topic of compatibility, she writes that men's standards for physical beauty/appearance of a potential wife are too high. She cites approvingly articles by Scott Croft (such as "Brother, You're Like a Six") that tell guys that they should build friendships or dating relationships with godly girls that they are not physically attracted to, and then (implies Scott) they will gradually come to find the girl attractive enough to marry.
(I tend to disagree... Perhaps she's right about 'men in general', but I certainly wouldn't want her telling me that I have acted inappropriately regarding the particular women in my circle whom I have decided not to pursue because I'm not attracted to them. It's nothing against those women. I have extremely high respect for some of my godly female friends whom I am not attracted to. However, I don't think I should try to marry them if I am not attracted to them. Perhaps some other man will find them perfectly attractive.) In another place, she writes:
"What else needs to happen in your search? Well, you need to start paring down your marriage "must-haves" list. Whether it has fifty or five hundred items on it, you need to get it down to about five. They are:
*Is a true disciple of Jesus (someone in whom you see evidence of real Gospel transformation as outlined in the Bible)
*Is actively growing in his or her faith (no long-term stagnation or stall-outs)
*Is in a position to marry (time to get that job, guys!)
*Is humble and teachable
*Is someone who has a similar calling or whose calling you can join"
Two items missing from Lisa's list, which I think are profoundly important, are (6) physical attractiveness (to me) and (7) personality compatibility / chemistry / natural friendship affinity / shared interests. There are gazillions of single Christian women I know who fit Lisa's five points, but don't fit my two additions, and hence I am still single.
Other items:
- I agree with her critiques of online dating.
- I agree with much of her advice to married people on how to help singles
- I agree with her point "it's ok to grieve", the chapter about the difficulties of being an older Christian single
- I strongly agree with her point of "Trust God" and His sovereignty (Chapter 11 and other places). God is wise and loving. He knows what we need, and will providentially provide it at the right time.
- The Meaning of Marriage, by Tim (and Kathy) Keller - Excellent book! Top quality (as are all TK books I've read), highly recommended. He discusses many aspects of marriage (from his sermons preached for his church which has hundreds of singles, in NYC). He shares candid stories of moments from his own marriage. In particular, he discusses how to handle conflicts, how to avoid idolatry, etc. It's written with lots of explanatory and persuasive text for the unbelieving reader, i.e. why is marriage better than cohabitation, etc... so while TK does quote the Bible, he also quotes lots of secular sources. He reasons as if he was dialoging with secular philosophers about marriage, sometimes. So this book would be good reading for a nonChristian also.
My favorite aspect of this book is how TK keeps bringing every topic back around to showcase the value of Christ... often at the end of each chapter.
- Beautifully Flawed, by Shari Rigby - Powerful, great, book. She shares her life story, of how she experienced many painful relationships, seeking for love in the wrong places... and then eventually came to know God. Shari is the actor who played "Cindy Hastings" in the movie "October Baby", the birth mother of the main character who had the abortion, and then was later forgiven by the main character. Shari herself had an abortion at one point in her life. The point Shari makes at the end of her book is that God can redeem anyone... and that the mistakes and flaws in our lives are part of the story that God is weaving.
Extended quote from her final book chapter:
"As my journey continued and I rededicated my life to Christ, my story began to take on a new shape... I now wanted to grab ahold of each person I met and tell them, 'You can be loved and cherished. You have a purpose. You are worthy, beautiful, unique, and different all at the same time because you were purposefully created by a Savior that loves you!'
"Our Savior is a man who came to die for us, to leave His words of truth, to tell the story of a real leading man, an example for other men to follow, who treats women like the leading ladies they are.
"Just as a roller coaster has many ups and downs, twists and turns, so has the pathway of my life. Even when it seemed like I was about to fly off the tracks, I was given another chance to get back on the straight and narrow, to make better choices and continue on with purpose.
"I began to identify myself as a leading lady to the Lord, and I'm so thankful He never gave up on me. Instead He continued to pursue me as a gentleman, allowing me to come to Him in my time, to eventually love Him with all my heart. He redeemed me and showed me what real love looks like.
"As I end this book, I want you to know that no matter what has happened in your life, you can still get out of the boat, walk in freedom, and carry out the unique purpose you were created for."
- The Gospel's Power and Message, by Paul Washer
This book is basically a polemic against various forms of "shallow evangelical presentation of the gospel". Paul carefully and step-by-step discusses different aspects of the gospel, quoting a lot of Scripture. He emphasizes man's sinfulness, God's wrath against sin, and also discusses the other more commonly heard aspects such as God's love. He correctly distinguishes between justification and sanctification, and presents the 'balanced' position of Reformed/Lordship Salvation while at the same time not neglecting the necessity of faith ("saving faith") on the part of the saved sinner. He writes that justification is by faith alone (not of works in the slightest), yet at the same time, true faith will always produce works. Basically, this book has a lot of excellent doctrinal thought.
Unfortunately, it has a rather judgmental tone, lamenting on almost every page that 'too many preachers ignore this' or 'few churches mention this any more.' If these statements could be removed, this book would be easier to read and would have a more powerful and unalloyed message.
Let me know if you have thoughts on these things!
Seriously though, wouldn't it be equally loving for the woman to do it for the man, or the man to do it for the woman?
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