October 25, 2009
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my thoughts about relationships with girls
Here is my current general mindset about girls, described briefly below with some theological thoughts/tactics at the end. (I'm not sure how typical my mindset is among Christian American single men my age... I suspect it's somewhat atypical, but I'd be interested to hear more from you readers, especially those who are in the same situation I'm in. Of course, the important thing is what God thinks about our attitudes, not what other humans think). My mindset has been shaped by many people and circumstances, including Jonathan Lindvall's, John Piper's, and Joshua Harris' teachings, much advice from many counselors, past personal relationships, and observation of many other couples.
All girls fall into one of three categories. A girl is either (1) someone you're not attracted to, or (2) someone you're attracted to but for some reason believe it is not God's will for you to pursue in marriage, or (3) someone you're attracted to and believe it is God's will for you to pursue in marriage. Furthermore, each category can be further subdivided into whether you sense that she is attracted to you or not-- (a) she is not attracted to you, (b) she is attracted to you. Attraction can of course be subdivided too - sometimes it's only physical, sometimes it's only personality, sometimes it's only character/maturity/godliness, and usually it's a mixture of these. (For now I'll ignore this distinction, in the text below.)
So then:
(1a) If you're not attracted to her and she's not attracted to you: You can "relax" completely around these girls, and share more freely about things you're going through, your thoughts/desires/hopes, etc. An amusing but surprisingly populous subset of this category is of those girls who somehow think that you're attracted to them when you're actually not. Typically they evince noticable coolness toward you in an attempt to 'turn you off'. From my perspective, it's just plain annoying. But there's nothing one can do about it, except keep being 'normally friendly', etc. It's harder than you might think to "try to be normal".
And of course people tell you to "stop trying so hard", but of course that simply means "try to stop trying so hard", and it's easier said than done... (1b) If you're not attracted to her but she's attracted to you: You need to be VERY CAREFUL in your interactions with her, to avoid being "overly friendly" / to avoid sending signals which she'd interpret as interest in her and thus contribute to causing her to stumble / breaking her heart. It's a tight balancing act, fraught with constant failure, to be friendly but not too friendly, all for the sake of showing long-term agape-love toward her / looking out for her best interests.
(2a) If you're attracted to her but she's not attracted to you and God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage: You need to be VERY CAREFUL in how much time you spend with her, in what situations, etc. You need to try to keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart. Usually this comes out in "avoidance", slight "gruffness", and overall general uncomfortableness/awkwardness when you're around her.
(2b) If you're attracted to her AND she's attracted to you but somehow and for some reason God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage: you need to be EXTREMELY EXTREMELY CAREFUL in your interactions, to not send signals of interest (despite the internal attraction), and keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart, to put an immediate end to any germinating thoughts of a future relationship. This manifests in reduced time spent with her, strained conversation, etc. Again, the reason you're intentionally putting distance into the relationship is for her long-term best interests... you're commissioned with the protection of her heart for her future husband or for a future life of productive singleness.
(3) If it was someone God was commanding you to marry, of course, you'd pursue this girl as long as His commandment was in effect, regardless of whether she sent encouraging feedback or not (although of course God sometimes uses such feedback as part of His will-clarifying process). And of course, if marriage were to ensue, once the marriage vow is made, agape-love toward her is enjoined for the rest of your lives regardless of how the "attraction" waxes or wanes.
Typical percentages for me, of all the girls my age in my life: (1a): 30%, (1b): 20%, (2a): 40%, (2b): 10%.
Tactics I've found helpful: (for a born-again-through-Christ single man who desires to please God by implementing pure relationships, whether or not marriage ever comes)
1. Schedule intentional time to spend with godly families with children. This alleviates loneliness, helps to restore 'normalcy' and sanity, and provides interesting opportunities to observe 'what works' and 'what doesn't work' in child rearing and spousal relationships. It also has potential to help the family too.
2. Develop the mental habit of constantly forcing the girls in one's field-of-view or life-situation into the Biblical categories. For example: 1 Timothy 5:1-2 "Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity." So all girls would be considered as either "wife" or "non-wife", and "non-wife" would be those I ought to appeal to as "mothers" or as "sisters". Don't allow the slightest hint of romantic affection to creep into any "non-wife" relationship, and if it ever creeps in, repent as soon as you notice it and ask Christ to help you eliminate it.
Another important passage: 1 Thessalonians 4--
2For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.
3For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;
4that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
5not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;
6and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you.
7For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification.
8So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.
Following Lindvall, I think the word "defraud" in verse 6 is quite enlightening. Anything that takes romantic affections away from those who rightfully own it (one's own potential future wife, or another woman's husband or future husband) is stealing and should be avoided.3. In the specific case of (1b) if a married woman seems attracted to you, be "on guard" and avoid excessive friendliness and be ready to follow Joseph's example of "fleeing" if/when necessary (regardless of the outcome!). Remember that what she really needs is Christ (or more-of-Christ, if she already has Him), and that God is watching you, whether you will be faithful in protecting her marriage, or not.
4. In cases (2a) and (2b), if you sense that your attraction to them is causing you to be constantly "losing the battle" of treating them "normally"/"sisterly" when you spend time around them, seriously consider/pray about not spending that time! Separate yourself; do whatever it takes to facilitate holiness. Change your lunch hour, find a new job, move to a different church, move to a different state, whatever. If you think that sounds too radical, consider this statement:
"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell."
The speaker, of course, is Jesus Christ, in Matthew 18.5. Trying to "abstain" from affectionate relationship is only a very temporary fix. The ultimate solution is more and deeper satisfaction in Christ. That is to say: "idols of the heart cannot be removed; they can only be replaced." Consider: "...seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust." (2 Peter 1:3-4)
How do we escape this "corruption that is in the world by lust"? Through the "knowledge of Him" and through His "precious and magnificent promises".
How does this work? What does it look like? As far as I can tell, it means focusing on heaven. That is, focusing on the soon-coming time when we will be fully satisfied, forever, by Christ Himself and everything He will give us / show us / etc. When you do this, many people (even many close Christian friends) will tell you you're focusing too much on heaven and ought to instead be focusing more on earthly happiness. IGNORE THEM. God's opinion of you is all that matters.6. Along the same lines, spending time ALONE in prayer with God and spending time MEDITATING on His Word seem to be great practical helps in this realignment of our desires. Jesus apparently did it a lot.
7. Recognize that serious misunderstandings from others will inevitably come as you try to pursue pure relationships. Unsaved people will think you're nuts for not trying to get "as much as you can squeeze" out of relationships with girls. Christian people will constantly try to match you up with girls, tell you you ought to get married, tell you there's something wrong with you, etc. Also on the other side-- you will hear rumors that girls think you're weird, etc. People will gossip behind your back about how you're sexually perverted, either homosexually or heterosexually, and 'that's why you're not married'. Husbands will ask you not to spend time alone with their wives because their wives feel uncomfortable around you. All these things, and more (cf. Joseph in Egypt!!) may come upon you. BUT, you can be prepared to do two things: Forgive everyone for everything (i.e. let God do the judging and repaying), and, focus your attention on what God thinks about you, not what other people think about you.
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