Really Big Things:
- No matter how many counselors are urging you to do something, no matter how strongly they are urging you, no matter how unusual the combination of viewpoints converging to offer the same advice, no matter how trusted the counselors are, if you do not feel inner peace from God about going ahead with the choice (especially a choice like marriage), do not proceed. Keep waiting and praying until you have peace from God about going forward. You will save yourself a lot of heartache. I know everybody talks about the other side: if you think you have God's blessing but all your counselors are urging caution, then don't proceed. I don't know about that. Counsel can be helpful. But the leading of God's Spirit, in a heart walking closely with Him, is more important than any human counselor and is worth following even when all human counsel contradicts.
- Don't hold on tightly to anything in life except God. Hold everything except Him loosely. If you don't, you will sooner or later be devastated when it dies or withers or breaks or is stolen away from you. Fortunately I was privileged to learn this in the positive sense - if you are holding on to God more tightly than everything else, you will never be completely devastated. You may sorrow, but never "as those who have no hope". You may weep, but only "as if you were not weeping".
- God is "worth" giving up everything else for. Put another way, if you lose everything precious in life other than God, everything other than God that makes life fun and enjoyable and beautiful, or if not even everything, if you lose that one person here on earth who is your "sunshine", that one who is more important to you than any other human, such that you are left empty, devastated, reeling, depressed, etc, but you come to realize that you still 'have' God (in that you are an adopted child of God through faith in Jesus Christ and are thus a recipient of His rock-solid eternal promise "I will never leave you nor forsake you"), then it is enough - what you still have (albeit maybe in the age to come) is SO valuable as to render any comparison with what you have lost ('precious' though it is) impossible. You can say with Jeremiah, "The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him." Just Him, just God alone, is enough.
Smaller but still important things:
- A little bit of criticism can go a long way to ruin a relationship. There are times and places where rebuke is necessary. But double check, triple check before airing it, to make sure it is God who is telling you to send the criticism, not your own egotistical heart.
- Face to face conversation is usually better than phone or email.
- "...speaking the truth in love..." is an essential phrase to meditate upon and apply. It is important to be absolutely honest, absolutely truthful.... and also to not share more than would be helpful and loving at the time, to the right people, etc. Both are equally important. If you end up being so honest that the girl is shocked and repulsed, so be it. Better to be honest before marriage and have a big heartbreak than to be sugary and/or to hide the problem areas and experience a far bigger heartbreak later.
- Never criticize anyone behind their back. This is not necessarily a "romantic relationship" issue, it's a basic human relationship issue (Matthew 18). If you have a problem with someone and God confirms that it is not just your overreaction but is truly sin in their life, then DON'T talk to anyone else about the problem, instead go talk to that person one-on-one.
- It's a good idea to get to know the person's family really really well.
- Don't worry. About anything. Including the outcome of the relationship situation. Philippians 4:1-8. This only applies to those who belong to Jesus Christ. Unbelievers should worry. But God is powerful enough to redeem any and all situations that His children find themselves in.
- Pray. Pray more. Keep praying. Pray harder. Pray with fasting. Pray without ceasing. Pray until God answers.
- Some girls want to be absolutely sure that you love them. They so distrust your stated motives that they are willing to turn you down just to see if you keep pursuing, and if they sense the slightest hesitation, they will break off the romantic relationship. If God so leads, keep pursuing the girl with everything you have.... you may end up winning her heart. (But only if God so leads). It may be that what she's really interested in is friendship (i.e. do you like spending time with her doing everyday stuff, just hanging out, etc), not romantic tokens (flowers, gifts, dates). HOWEVER, the concept of 'different love languages' is very real, and not all girls will fit this model described above. You may find out the hard way that everyone else's advice (and even sometimes her own explanation) about what that girl is looking for / what is her love language, is completely wrong. In your situation, you might start from my advice and think 'all she wants is friendship', but in your particular case, she might want a gift from you, or an arm around the shoulders, or more romantic involvement, or more spiritual leadership, or whatever. If God so leads, modify your approach and keep trying. But don't do it if you don't have peace from God about it.
- There is no way for a man to avoid risking getting his heart broken. If he tries the "gradually deepen friendships with all girls until one friendship naturally goes deeper and deeper, then slide that one into romance" approach, he will risk letting his heart get enticed by affection for many women, not just the one he will eventually marry. If he tries the "be friends, but not deep friends, with lots of girls, then after observing and becoming attracted to one in particular, abruptly move into an official 'lets consider marriage' dating relationship" approach, he takes the risk that the girl will not be attracted to him and will be scared away by his directness. If he takes the "cautious, see if she's interested in me before I'll show interest in her" approach, the only girls he will attract will be the ones who have lowered their standards to a man who won't take the spiritual and romantic initiative, which is a roundabout way of saying, 'not the type of girl you want to have'. Bottom line: if God wants to break a man's heart (or woman's heart), it's easy. There's no way for the man to avoid it. Yet, with all that said about God, it is still true (I think) that "He does not willingly afflict the sons of men..." Lamenations 3 / Hebrews 12... Every agony He allows is deliberate and loving (at least, for His own children...).
- Not all romantic-heartbreak / lonely-singlehood is a direct result of sin, just as not all of Job's ills were a direct result of his sin and as the men on whom the tower of Siloam fell were not "worse sinners" than all the rest. Likewise, not all of romantic blessing is a direct result of righteousness. Some is of course the consequence of righteous or sinful decisions. But some is due to circumstances, which are completely out of one's control (and completely in God's control). God blesses and disciplines and gives and takes away by His own sovereign gracious will, not in a karmic fashion.
- Extreme sorrow is normal, upon losing something extremely valuable such as a child or a spouse or a relationship heading toward marriage with a godly woman. Sometimes when you experience such depths of sorrow and try to share it with Christian friends, the vast majority of people will tell you you're overreacting, you're being sinfully depressed, you're not rejoicing in God enough, you're being controlled by your feelings, etc. The tendency upon receiving such feedback is to almost go insane with the feeling that one can no longer be open with anyone. Fortunately, there are a few other human souls out there who have been through similar very deep waters and can offer knowledgable encouragement. And God is a very compassionate listener. "Jesus wept."
As far as I can tell, extreme sorrow at earthly loss is NOT mutually exclusive of simultaneous rejoicing in the Lord (although, see 1 Corinthians 7:29ff, and below). There will be those Christians who tell you that you ought to be happy all the time and that if you show grief you are sinning, but they simply do not understand. They may never have experienced the same pain and brokenness you are experiencing, or they may have forgotten it, or they may have been taught that one ought to 'keep a stiff upper lip' and 'pretend all is fine all the time' on the surface in front of other people. So we must forgive them when they give advice that only wounds further. They do not know what they are doing. The first example I had that earthly sorrow and hope in God can coexist was when talking with a godly older mentor whose son had just committed suicide. Through his tears he said that he still believed in God, but he was hurting. Over the years I began to notice that Paul talks about the same thing (2 Cor 1:8, 6:10, Romans 12:15), as does Jesus (Luke 6:21, John 12:27, Mark 14:33) and others (1 Peter 1:6). Earthly rejoicing (i.e. being happy because of some earthly positive circumstance) and earthly sorrow (i.e. being sad because of some earthly loss or pain) are placed on exactly the same level (Romans 12:15, 1 Corinthians 7:29-31), that is, real, worthy of sympathy from others, yet on a deeper level not quite as real as what is coming next (the Eternal Life). Sorrow as those who have hope in Christ. Rejoice as those whose main joy is not here, but is in Christ. Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but the gist of this point is that when people tell you you're too sad or too depressed, ignore them. God's opinion of you is the only opinion that matters. Keep right on focusing on heaven, sorrowing/rejoicing in earthly things in a secondary way, and rejoicing in Christ. - Avoidance of all sensual/sexual/physical contact is helpful and very worthwhile. Unbelievers and other Christians (and possibly even the girl herself) will misunderstand, but the resultant freedom and the knowledge of God's pleasure are worth it.
(April 20, 2009, updated June 18, 2009)
Recent Comments