I received a large number of thoughtful responses from my earlier post "Chivalry versus Love" (http://tim223.xanga.com/724969192/chivalry-versus-love/).   I thought I'd post some excerpts here.  I've posted them without identifying information for internet privacy, but if you'd like me to attribute your comment with your name, I'll gladly comply.

• I was reading your post about Chivalry. For the most part I agree with you. Focusing on imitating Christ and our relationship with God is by far the most important thing. And most of Chivalry is outdated and makes no sense in our society where men and women are supposed to be equal. There are some good lessons from it such as honoring your word but those can also be learned from the Bible. However, with in romantic relationships such as courting or marriage I think there is some place for it. Not so much the idea of Chivalry but some of the traditions. I agree that agape love is by far the most important even in these relationships, but not everything done has to be self sacrificial to be important. It is important that in these relationships both the man and the woman feel valued, loved, and cared for. However, as you pointed out men and women are made different by God. For some women little gestures that let them know that their husband is thinking about them and paying attention to them is important. If the way a woman feels loved is by having doors held and her husband help her with her coat I don't think that there is a problem with that. Some women don't care they need other things from their husband to feel loved and cared for and then it doesn't matter. The same thing goes for men. If a man feels loved by his wife because she opens the door for him than that is good too, but I think this is less common. But there are other small things she may do for him that make him feel loved, cooking dinner, watching football with him, making sure the coffee is made, leaving love notes for him. Whatever works for those two people. My point is that the little things matter in relationships, certainly not more than the big things like honoring God, but they do still matter. Have you heard the idea of love languages? Different people need different things to feel loved and you do those little things for that person not because someone told you you have to but because you love them and you want them to know that and feel loved. In some cases the "gentlemanly" behavior may be an important part of a person's love language and I don't think that is a problem as long as the little acts are done out of love and caring.

 

• Just a comment - what if doing the "chivalrous" thing is received as love by the other person. Sometimes love isn't as clearly defined as we think it could or should be.... I think a lot of women feel loved by having guys do certain things for them. Personally I am kind of weirded out by a guy who would have me sit in the car while he ran around and opened the door for me, but on the other hand, I always unlock my passenger's door first before I open mine. I think it's more about the other person's love language, so to speak, and how they receive love. Giving a girl flowers is a cultural thing, and neutral as far as I know in the Bible, but can make women feel special/loved.

 

• "Tim, C S Lewis essay: "The Necessity of Chivalry" is a must read. It is one included in the "Present Concerns essays" ... We men need a balance between ferocious protecting and genteel manners. The extremes are barbarians and Joe spineless milk toast..."

 

• I have quite a different perspective on this coming from the deep South. Southern Antebellum culture was intentionally modeled after books like Ivanhoe, even down to adopting jousting as a hobby. The ideal women were fair and plump because it meant they had a man capable enough, blessed enough, or who loved them enough to provide for them. While expectations have significantly subsided in this post-invasion era, many traditions are still very commonplace. I was taken back initially at [] that women would actually comment that I was "so polite" for making gestures without a second thought including opening doors for women, children, and elderly, removing my hat when indoors, saying Ma'am or miss. I was appalled when I saw a gent get stuck holding the door as very capable men would pass through as if they were entitled to the service. As far as  treating women with respect, it stems from the idea of headship. Men are called to be priest, prophet, and protector of the weaker vessels within their sphere of influence. The number one trait of a good leader is servant-hood. Lavishing upon women is to share in the abundance of blessing afforded us by God.  But like anything, if it is done out of obligation, it is not love. That is difficult to keep in perspective.

 

• Finally, a conversation with other friends cited the following passage from 1 Corinthians 9: "19 For though I am free from all men, I have made myself a slave to all, so that I may win more.  20To the Jews I became as a Jew, so that I might win Jews; to those who are under the Law, as under the Law though not being myself under the Law, so that I might win those who are under the Law;  21to those who are without law, as without law, though not being without the law of God but under the law of Christ, so that I might win those who are without law.  22To the weak I became weak, that I might win the weak; I have become all things to all men, so that I may by all means save some."  -  and the application was argued that chivalry is one of those things - that some cultures and regions of the world place a high value on chivalry such that one needs to "speak chivalry as the cultural language" in order to avoid making any unnecessary stumbling blocks for the spread of the gospel in that place.

 

My previous post argued that chivalry was generally "ok", though most of it was already covered by the Bible's commands about agape love, and parts of it were either completely silly, neutral, or anti-Biblical, and that one ought to seek intimacy with God rather than chivalry.

In light of all the comments, it seems that most people agree that chivalry is more of a cultural thing than a moral thing, but they caveat that there are times when speaking the cultural language of chivalry might be the morally right thing to do.  For example, if you're married to a woman whose "love language" is chivalry, or if you're trying to share Christ with people whose culture is strongly chivalrous.  1 Cor 9:22 is a pretty powerful verse... it seems to imply that anything cultural pattern that's not actually "Biblically-wrong"/"immoral" is fair game to "wear" for kingdom purposes.

Chivalry versus Love

What are your thoughts on chivalry?  Is it a good thing?  A bad thing?  What is it, precisely?

My 'pet peeve' against 'chivalry' continues to grow with each passing month... and so this post continues a discussion of chivalry started in a previous post (http://tim223.xanga.com/721860037/godliness-versus-the-art-of-manliness/).  (However, when I say I dislike chivalry, you'll have to read more to see what I mean). A micro outline of what follows: first, some attempts at defining chivalry.  Second, an initial comparison with the Bible.  Third, a deadly danger of chivalry.  Fourth, some frustrating common-sense contradictions and rants about chivalry.  Finally, an exhortation.  I have had so many thoughts about this subject that I am sure I'll not be able to write it all - please then, if you agree or disagree or want to clarify or caveat, post your comment and let's continue the discussion!

First then, what is chivalry? 

The first two definitions from Dictionary.com say:

Chivalry: 1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. 2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.

Reference.com expands a bit more... "a fusion of Christian and military concepts of morality and still form the basis of gentlemanly conduct"... The chief chivalric virtues were piety, honor, valor, courtesy, chastity, and loyalty. The knight's loyalty was due to the spiritual master, God; to the temporal master, the suzerain; and to the mistress of the heart, his sworn love. Love, in the chivalrous sense, was largely platonic; as a rule, only a virgin or another man's wife could be the chosen object of chivalrous love."
"In practice, chivalric conduct was never free from corruption, increasingly evident in the later Middle Ages. Courtly love often deteriorated into promiscuity and adultery and pious militance into barbarous warfare. Moreover, the chivalric duties were not owed to those outside the bounds of feudal obligation. The outward trappings of chivalry and knighthood declined in the 15th cent., by which time wars were fought for victory and individual valor was irrelevant."

I think that characterization of chivalry as a "fusion" of Christian and military/cultural precepts is deadly accurate.   My desire is to separate out this "fusion" into what I am beginning to understand are its two constitutive parts: God's law, and cultural traditions.

First, a bit more definition of chivalry.  The above definitions implicated "courtly love".  Ask.com gives the following definition of "courtly love" -
"Courtly love was a medieval European conception of nobly and chivalrously expressing love and admiration. Generally, courtly love was secret and between members of the nobility. It was also generally not practiced between husband and wife.
    [ right away the above statement should be a red flag that 'courtly love' is antibiblical... ]
Courtly love began in the ducal and princely courts of Aquitaine, Provence, Champagne and ducal Burgundy, at the end of the eleventh century. In essence, courtly love was an experience between erotic desire and spiritual attainment that now seems contradictory, "a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent".
The term "courtly love" was first popularized by Gaston Paris in 1883, and has since come under a wide variety of definitions and uses, even being dismissed as nineteenth-century romantic fiction. Its interpretation, origins and influences continue to be a matter of critical debate.
Richard Trachsler claims that "the concept of courtly literature is linked to the idea of the existence of courtly texts, texts produced and read by men and women sharing some kind of elaborate culture they all have in common." (Busby) He argues that many of the texts that scholars claim to be courtly also include "uncourtly" texts, and argues that there is no clear way to determine "where courtliness ends and uncourtliness starts"."

Well, that sounds pretty yucky.  But maybe chivalry is higher and better than "courtly love"...?  Or at least, some parts of chivalry...?

Here are a few more links:
http://www.chronique.com/Library/Chivalry/code.htm - a distillation of chivalry principles: Prowess, Justice, Loyalty, Defense, Courage, Faith, Humility, Largesse, Nobility, Franchise.

http://mysuperchargedlife.com/blog/men-revive-chivalry-virtue-honor-love/ - with some practical examples of so-called modern chivalry

http://medievalisms.blogspot.com/2007/02/death-of-chivalry.html - I like this phrase: "...courtesy is rooted in practicality."

 http://community.artofmanliness.com/group/chivalry/forum/topics/current-forms-of-chivalry
Quote:
"Have any of you cats ever heard of Southern Manners? I live in Virginia, below the Mason-Dixon, and In recent years have begun making every attempt to practice Southern manners. All allusions to slavery aside, as that is a thing of the past, and distasteful, I'm quite proud to be a Southern Man.
I open the door for women, I stop if I see them stranded on the side of the road (flat tire, etc..), if I see a mother with multiple children and armload/shopping cart full of groceries, I can't help but ask if she needs a hand. Standing up when a woman leaves the house, or the table (I'm working on making this one habit, it's a new one to me), as well as common table manners.... All these things are part of being a true Southern Gentleman, in my personal opinion."

Next, this five-part series from The Rebelution, a blog of Christians Alex and Brett Harris (brothers of Josh 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' Harris), including an interesting quote from Al Mohler.   My basic question after reading their posts is:  "From whom comes this call to be 'chivalrous' and 'gentlemanly' and to 'do hard things' in general?  Does it come from God??? or from man???"
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/modern-day-gentleman/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/when-lancelot-comes-riding-part-1/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/the-big-misunderstanding/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/receiving-counterfeit-chivalry/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/when-chivalry-is-inconvenient/

Finally, http://marshall.freeshell.org/chivalry.html - This link is a great collection of actual examples of ancient chivalry and chivalry principles (and some courtly love principles).  It includes such things as "defend the weak and innocent" and "avoid lying" and "be polite and attentive."   This article is only perhaps one or two pages long and is worth reading if you are at all interested in chivalry and this discussion.

Those things sound great!  "Defend the weak and innocent" sounds like Isaiah 58 and SO MANY other places in the Bible -

    6"Is this not the fast which I choose,
         To loosen the bonds of wickedness,
         To undo the bands of the yoke,
         And to let the oppressed go free
         And break every yoke?
    7"Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry
         And bring the homeless poor into the house;
         When you see the naked, to cover him;
         And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
    8"Then your light will break out like the dawn,
         And your recovery will speedily spring forth;
         And your righteousness will go before you;
         The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
    9"Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
         You will cry, and He will say, 'Here I am '
         If you remove the yoke from your midst,
         The pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,
    10And if you give yourself to the hungry
         And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
         Then your light will rise in darkness
         And your gloom will become like midday.

Actually however, the Bible's teaching about love completely obviates, precedes, supercedes, and in every way blows chivalry out of the water:
 
Matthew 22
 35One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him,
 36"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?"
 37And He said to him, " 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
 38"This is the great and foremost commandment.
 39"The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
 40"On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
 
and

"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you."  (Luke 6:31)

 

Here then is my basic thought about chivalry - Chivalry adds nothing of value to the Bible's teaching about love, but it adds a lot of dangerous cultural baggage. 

Cultural baggage by itself can be bad, because it makes people try to safeguard tradition at the expense of God's law (Mark 7:8), but there is a deeper danger - chivalry makes people feel good about their own politeness and big public acts of altruism, leading them to deceive their own souls about their own actual inner wickedness and desperate need for God's salvation.

The good can be the enemy of the best.  Chivalry can mask people's need for the gospel.  Recall this short and hard-hitting story from Jesus (Luke 18) -

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt:
"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.'
But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!'
I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.""

Is there anything wrong with fasting twice a week or tithing?  What does Jesus' story imply?  Didn't Jesus himself fast and pay money to the temple?

Is there anything wrong with chivalry?  If it gives you confidence in your own 'nobility' and 'courtesy' and 'integrity', it is leading you straight into hell.

Where is your righteousness?   Where is my righteousness?  If we are trusting in ourselves, we are lost!  Only if we are trusting in Jesus and His death/life/goodness on our behalf are we safe and right with God.

At this point some one will say, "Tim, I agree with you on the importance of admitting one's absolute wickedness before God and one's absolute dependence on Jesus for salvation.  But after one is saved, when we are urged to 'walk in a manner worthy of your calling' (Ephesians 4), surely chivalry is at least a reasonably correct set of guidelines?"

The aspects of chivalry that align with the Bible's command to love one's neighbor as oneself, yes.  But are there not some aspects of "Southern Gentlemanliness" and chivalry that are purely cultural and have no love-your-neighbor value?

How about these questions toward figuring out what parts of the chivalry guidelines are useful and what parts are not:
  - Can this practice be applied by either men or women?  (since both men and women are required to love their neighbors as themselves)
  - Does this practice demonstrate love toward the other person?  ('agape' self-sacrificial love, not 'eros' "cant-stop-thinking-about-you"/romantic/'courtly'/Hollywood love)

How about some examples of classically "chivalrous" deeds (please remind me of any other classics that come to mind!)...

1. Holding open a building door for someone

This would seem to fit into 'looking out for the other person's best interest (Philippians 2)/agape love', as in seeking to minimize their expenditure of calories and sending a signal of friendship in being aware of their presence and small 'need'.  Also, it's something that a man could do for a woman or a woman for a man.  If the person being helped was physically weak or handicapped, it would definitely fit this category.

2. Men (specifically) holding open building doors for women (specifically)

This would seem to be a cultural artifact.  Are women physically in "need of help" in getting the door open?  Not in most cases.  It seems to be a case of:  'Chivalrous gentlemen always hold the door open for women.'  'Why?'  'Because that's the way it's always been.' 

3. Same as above for helping someone carry heavy items, assisting at a roadside breakdown, helping a beleaguered person in an unjust fight, etc.  It would seem that these could be applied equally to men or women and could be expressions of agape love.

4. Standing up when a woman enters the room

How does this demonstrate agape love?  Is this not a mere cultural tradition?  If I'm wrong on these things, please let me know.

5. A man coming around to the passenger side car door to open the door for his wife

Again, how does this demonstrate love?  Is the woman physically unable to open the door for herself?  If the woman came around to the drivers' side door to open the door for her husband, would that likewise demonstrate love? 

6. In certain African countries, it is the culture for men to laze in the shade while the women carry heavy loads of water pots, wood piles, etc and tend the gardens.  In many places it would be culturally inappropriate for a man to "do woman's work" in helping his wife physically.  But would "love your neighbor as yourself" call the man to a different role? 

7. A man throws his coat down over a puddle so that a woman can walk over it

Hmmm...  why not have both people walk around the puddle?       Seriously though, wouldn't it be equally loving for the woman to do it for the man, or the man to do it for the woman?

8. A man helping his wife put her coat on, and/or a woman helping her husband putting his coat on...

Seems applicable to both men and women.  What about a random man 'helping' random women put their coats on or random women 'helping' random men put their coats on?  Eh... probably shady and thus unadvisable, depending on the situation.

9. A man offers his chair for a woman, then stands or takes a floor seat

This would seem to be potentially applicable for both men and women, as a gesture of welcome.  I.e. a man could do this for another man, or a woman could do this for a man, etc.  "Culture" and "chivalry" prescribe this only in the case of a man for a woman (perhaps from a background of trying-to-impress-the-girl?), but love would seem to prescribe this equally to and from all...?   On the other hand, if the newcomer to the room was a pregnant woman or an elderly man or a handicapped man or someone else who could really use a seat, agape-love would seem to absolutely impel such behavior.  I.e not "I'm giving up my seat because that's the type of high-quality man that I am", but instead "I'm giving up my seat because I delight to show agape-love to other people because that's the type of love that God has shown to me, wretch that I am."

 

Finally then, an exhortation.  

It is a well known general principle that men tend to seek to be respected, honored, and admired while women tend to seek to be cherished, accepted, and loved.  This seems to be part of the way that God has 'wired' us... and God's commands for husbands and wives perfectly fit men's and women's wiring: "Husbands... love [agape] your wives"; "Wives... submit yourselves to your husbands" (Ephesians 4-6 and many other places in the Bible).

However, if you try to get your satisfaction from other people (whether spouse, family, or friends), you will end up empty and broken.  Your and my ultimate satisfaction, for those of us who are followers of Jesus Christ, will only come after this life....

Hebrews 11-13, 13:14 "For here we do not have a lasting city, but we are seeking the city which is to come."

Matthew 13:44 "The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field."

Lamentations 3:24- "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I have hope in Him.'"

Women, find your satisfaction in the God who offers you true love (pathetic though you are)! If you're married, don't complain that your husband is unchivalrous to you.  If you're unmarried, don't seek the perfect 'Southern Gentleman' and expect that he will make you happy.  Instead, revel and be filled and satisfied with God's perfect, eternal, unchanging love, in Christ Jesus, for you!  (and don't settle for anything less than a man who LOVES [agape] God and others, and seek to instill this in yourself too ("I, Isaac, take thee, Rebekah")).
"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,
         "For your sake we are being put to death all day long;
         We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."  (Romans 8:35-39, see also 8:28-34)

Men, find your satisfaction in the God who offers you true glory and honor (despicable though you are)!  If you're married and your wife disrespects you and denies your requests and bosses you around, remember that God's esteem and approval is far more important to seek than hers... don't put your energy toward becoming a chivalrous gentleman; put your energy toward knowing God and making Him known.  If you're unmarried, don't expect to someday find the perfect woman who will completely satisfy you, nor attempt to add more 'chivalry' to your life in order to attract such a woman.  Remember Jesus' question "How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?" (John 5:44) and Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but You? [God]     And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.    My flesh and my heart may fail,     But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  Practice loving [agape] others (Genesis 24:19) as Jesus Christ has loved you...
Remember the inestimably glorious call of God:
   Thus says the LORD,
         "Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool.
   Where then is a house you could build for Me?
         And where is a place that I may rest?
   "For My hand made all these things,
         Thus all these things came into being," declares the LORD.
   "But to this one I will look,
         To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.

 

What things do you "eagerly seek" in your life?  (Matthew 6:32)

Last night I watched the astonishing opening ceremony of the Olympics (hosting the cream of the world's best and most beautiful/handsome athletes and the top dignitaries of Canada) with a group of handsome, beautiful, talented, witty, 'impressive' young adults.  Today I came across the "Art of Manliness" website, with thousands of posts and subscribers from the last 3 years, aspiring to impart chivalry, gentlemanliness, and other so-called manly arts to the masses of modern men.  Manly skills, manly hobbies, manly secrets, manly relationships, "What can manly men expect of women", etc.  Al Mohler posts regularly about 'christian manhood', such as here and here.  John Eldredge calls men to 'love and war' and casts men as rangers, warriors, beauty-pursuers, kings, and sages.  Many more authors and speakers call us to being 'raised right', heroism, and chivalry.  Many bemoan the wussification of our culture.

Yet what says God, our Maker?  Do we not hear in the Bible the call of a completely separate goal (than being manly (or womanly), respected (or loved), successful (or secure), chivalrous (or captivating), and satisfied in this life)?

"What do you mean, Tim?" you might ask.  "What's wrong with these things?"

Please consider these verses -

 

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt:
"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.
The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.'
But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!'
I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted."   Luke 18:9-14

 

"How can you believe, when you <SUP class=xref value='(BA)'>receive glory from one another and you do not seek <SUP class=xref value='(BB)'>the glory that is from <SUP class=xref value='(BC)'>the one and only God?"  John 5:44

 

Now the Pharisees, who were lovers of money, were listening to all these things and were scoffing at Him.
And He said to them, "You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God."   Luke 16:14-15

 

Thus says the LORD,
     "Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool
         Where then is a house you could build for Me?
         And where is a place that I may rest?
         For My hand made all these things,
         Thus all these things came into being," declares the LORD. 
     "But to this one I will look,
         To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word."
             Isaiah 66:1-2

 

Would you rather have manliness (or womanliness), or the approval of God?   Which lasts forever?  

Would you rather be considered clever, or have people understand that Jesus Christ is mighty to save?  

Would you rather be a manly man (or confident/captivating woman), or be a "weak", "humble", "contrite", "trembling" man (or woman) who has eyes and ears only for God's approval?

 

Here is my current general mindset about girls, described briefly below with some theological thoughts/tactics at the end.   (I'm not sure how typical my mindset is among Christian American single men my age... I suspect it's somewhat atypical, but I'd be interested to hear more from you readers, especially those who are in the same situation I'm in.  Of course, the important thing is what God thinks about our attitudes, not what other humans think).   My mindset has been shaped by many people and circumstances, including Jonathan Lindvall's, John Piper's, and Joshua Harris' teachings, much advice from many counselors, past personal relationships, and observation of many other couples.

All girls fall into one of three categories.  A girl is either (1) someone you're not attracted to, or (2) someone you're attracted to but for some reason believe it is not God's will for you to pursue in marriage, or (3) someone you're attracted to and believe it is God's will for you to pursue in marriage.  Furthermore, each category can be further subdivided into whether you sense that she is attracted to you or not-- (a) she is not attracted to you, (b) she is attracted to you.   Attraction can of course be subdivided too - sometimes it's only physical, sometimes it's only personality, sometimes it's only character/maturity/godliness, and usually it's a mixture of these.  (For now I'll ignore this distinction, in the text below.)

So then:

(1a) If you're not attracted to her and she's not attracted to you: You can "relax" completely around these girls, and share more freely about things you're going through, your thoughts/desires/hopes, etc.  An amusing but surprisingly populous subset of this category is of those girls who somehow think that you're attracted to them when you're actually not.  Typically they evince noticable coolness toward you in an attempt to 'turn you off'.  From my perspective, it's just plain annoying.  But there's nothing one can do about it, except keep being 'normally friendly', etc.  It's harder than you might think to "try to be normal".     And of course people tell you to "stop trying so hard", but of course that simply means "try to stop trying so hard", and it's easier said than done...

(1b) If you're not attracted to her but she's attracted to you:   You need to be VERY CAREFUL in your interactions with her, to avoid being "overly friendly" / to avoid sending signals which she'd interpret as interest in her and thus contribute to causing her to stumble / breaking her heart.  It's a tight balancing act, fraught with constant failure, to be friendly but not too friendly, all for the sake of showing long-term agape-love toward her / looking out for her best interests.

(2a) If you're attracted to her but she's not attracted to you and God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage:  You need to be VERY CAREFUL in how much time you spend with her, in what situations, etc.  You need to try to keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart.  Usually this comes out in "avoidance", slight "gruffness", and overall general uncomfortableness/awkwardness when you're around her.

(2b) If you're attracted to her AND she's attracted to you but somehow and for some reason God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage: you need to be EXTREMELY EXTREMELY CAREFUL in your interactions, to not send signals of interest (despite the internal attraction), and keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart, to put an immediate end to any germinating thoughts of a future relationship.  This manifests in reduced time spent with her, strained conversation, etc.  Again, the reason you're intentionally putting distance into the relationship is for her long-term best interests...  you're commissioned with the protection of her heart for her future husband or for a future life of productive singleness.

(3) If it was someone God was commanding you to marry, of course, you'd pursue this girl as long as His commandment was in effect, regardless of whether she sent encouraging feedback or not (although of course God sometimes uses such feedback as part of His will-clarifying process).  And of course, if marriage were to ensue, once the marriage vow is made, agape-love toward her is enjoined for the rest of your lives regardless of how the "attraction" waxes or wanes.

Typical percentages for me, of all the girls my age in my life: (1a): 30%, (1b): 20%, (2a): 40%, (2b): 10%.

 

Tactics I've found helpful:  (for a born-again-through-Christ single man who desires to please God by implementing pure relationships, whether or not marriage ever comes)

1.  Schedule intentional time to spend with godly families with children.   This alleviates loneliness, helps to restore 'normalcy' and sanity, and provides interesting opportunities to observe 'what works' and 'what doesn't work' in child rearing and spousal relationships. It also has potential to help the family too.

2.  Develop the mental habit of constantly forcing the girls in one's field-of-view or life-situation into the Biblical categories.  For example: 1 Timothy 5:1-2 "Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity."   So all girls would be considered as either "wife" or "non-wife", and "non-wife" would be those I ought to appeal to as "mothers" or as "sisters".   Don't allow the slightest hint of romantic affection to creep into any "non-wife" relationship, and if it ever creeps in, repent as soon as you notice it and ask Christ to help you eliminate it.
Another important passage: 1 Thessalonians 4--
 2For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.
3For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;
4that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
5not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;
6and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you.
7For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification.
8So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.
Following Lindvall, I think the word "defraud" in verse 6 is quite enlightening.  Anything that takes romantic affections away from those who rightfully own it (one's own potential future wife, or another woman's husband or future husband) is stealing and should be avoided.

3.  In the specific case of (1b) if a married woman seems attracted to you, be "on guard" and avoid excessive friendliness and be ready to follow Joseph's example of "fleeing" if/when necessary (regardless of the outcome!).  Remember that what she really needs is Christ (or more-of-Christ, if she already has Him), and that God is watching you, whether you will be faithful in protecting her marriage, or not.

4.  In cases (2a) and (2b), if you sense that your attraction to them is causing you to be constantly "losing the battle" of treating them "normally"/"sisterly" when you spend time around them, seriously consider/pray about not spending that time!  Separate yourself; do whatever it takes to facilitate holiness.  Change your lunch hour, find a new job, move to a different church, move to a different state, whatever.  If you think that sounds too radical, consider this statement:
"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell."
The speaker, of course, is Jesus Christ, in Matthew 18.

5.  Trying to "abstain" from affectionate relationship is only a very temporary fix.  The ultimate solution is more and deeper satisfaction in Christ.  That is to say: "idols of the heart cannot be removed; they can only be replaced." Consider: "...seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust." (2 Peter 1:3-4)
How do we escape this "corruption that is in the world by lust"?  Through the "knowledge of Him" and through His "precious and magnificent promises".
How does this work?  What does it look like?  As far as I can tell, it means focusing on heaven.   That is, focusing on the soon-coming time when we will be fully satisfied, forever, by Christ Himself and everything He will give us / show us / etc.   When you do this, many people (even many close Christian friends) will tell you you're focusing too much on heaven and ought to instead be focusing more on earthly happiness.    IGNORE THEM.  God's opinion of you is all that matters.

6. Along the same lines, spending time ALONE in prayer with God and spending time MEDITATING on His Word seem to be great practical helps in this realignment of our desires.   Jesus apparently did it a lot.

7. Recognize that serious misunderstandings from others will inevitably come as you try to pursue pure relationships.  Unsaved people will think you're nuts for not trying to get "as much as you can squeeze" out of  relationships with girls.  Christian people will constantly try to match you up with girls, tell you you ought to get married, tell you there's something wrong with you, etc.  Also on the other side-- you will hear rumors that girls think you're weird, etc.  People will gossip behind your back about how you're sexually perverted, either homosexually or heterosexually, and 'that's why you're not married'.  Husbands will ask you not to spend time alone with their wives because their wives feel uncomfortable around you.  All these things, and more (cf. Joseph in Egypt!!) may come upon you.  BUT, you can be prepared to do two things: Forgive everyone for everything (i.e. let God do the judging and repaying), and, focus your attention on what God thinks about you, not what other people think about you.

The other day I was struck by the frequency in the Bible in which God says, "do not fear!" to His people.  He is the consummate Shepherd to us fearful and faithless sheep.  The best of all Husbands to us worried and clingy Bride.  And He loves us, and His power is infinite.  "He works all things according to the counsel of His will" (Ephesians 1) and "it is [His] good pleasure to give [us] the Kingdom."

So here is a list, taken from some computer searches, of "fear not" type passages in the Bible.  Most of these were given to specific people in the past by God.  Some of them are statements from humans after God had shown them His power and love.   Most of these can be applied directly to us (those of us who are believers/disciples of Jesus Christ)!

Enjoy!!  Revel!!  Chew on these!!

---

Genesis 15:1
After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, saying," Do not fear, Abram, I am a shield to you;  Your reward shall be very great."

Genesis 21:17
God heard the lad crying;  and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What is the matter with you, Hagar? Do not fear, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is.

Genesis 26:24
The LORD appeared to him the same night and said, "I am the God of your father Abraham;  Do not fear, for I am with you. I will bless you, and multiply your descendants, For the sake of My servant Abraham."

Genesis 46:3
He said, "I am God, the God of your father;  do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you a great nation there.

Exodus 14:13
But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the LORD which He will accomplish for you today;  for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever.

Exodus 20:20
Moses said to the people, "Do not be afraid;  for God has come in order to test you, and in order that the fear of Him may remain with you, so that you may not sin."

Numbers 14:9
"Only do not rebel against the LORD;  and do not fear the people of the land, for they will be our prey. Their protection has been removed from them, and the LORD is with us;  do not fear them."

Numbers 21:34
But the LORD said to Moses, "Do not fear him, for I have given him into your hand, and all his people and his land;  and you shall do to him as you did to Sihon, king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon."

Deuteronomy 1:21
'See, the LORD your God has placed the land before you;  go up, take possession, as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has spoken to you. Do not fear or be dismayed.'

Deuteronomy 1:29
"Then I said to you, 'Do not be shocked, nor fear them.

Deuteronomy 3:2
"But the LORD said to me, 'Do not fear him, for I have delivered him and all his people and his land into your hand;  and you shall do to him just as you did to Sihon king of the Amorites, who lived at Heshbon.'

Deuteronomy 3:22
'Do not fear them, for the LORD your God is the one fighting for you.'

Deuteronomy 7:18-19
you shall not be afraid of them;  you shall well remember what the LORD your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt:
the great trials which your eyes saw and the signs and the wonders and the mighty hand and the outstretched arm by which the LORD your God brought you out. So shall the LORD your God do to all the peoples of whom you are afraid.

Deuteronomy 20:1
"When you go out to battle against your enemies and see horses and chariots and people more numerous than you, do not be afraid of them;  for the LORD your God, who brought you up from the land of Egypt, is with you.

Deuteronomy 20:3
"He shall say to them, 'Hear, O Israel, you are approaching the battle against your enemies today. Do not be fainthearted. Do not be afraid, or panic, or tremble before them,

Deuteronomy 20:8
"Then the officers shall speak further to the people and say, 'Who is the man that is afraid and fainthearted? Let him depart and return to his house, so that he might not make his brothers' hearts melt like his heart.'

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:8
" The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you;  He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

Joshua 8:1
Now the LORD said to Joshua, " Do not fear or be dismayed Take all the people of war with you and arise, go up to Ai;  see, I have given into your hand the king of Ai, his people, his city, and his land.

Joshua 10:8
The LORD said to Joshua, "Do not fear them, for I have given them into your hands;  not one of them shall stand before you."

Joshua 10:25
Joshua then said to them, "Do not fear or be dismayed! Be strong and courageous, for thus the LORD will do to all your enemies with whom you fight."

Joshua 11:6
Then the LORD said to Joshua, " Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow at this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel;  you shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire."

Judges 6:23
The LORD said to him, "Peace to you, do not fear;  you shall not die."

1 Samuel 12:20
Samuel said to the people, "Do not fear. You have committed all this evil, yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart.

1 Kings 17:13
Then Elijah said to her, "Do not fear;  go, do as you have said, but make me a little bread cake from it first and bring it out to me, and afterward you may make one for yourself and for your son.

2 Kings 6:16
So he answered, "Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

2 Kings 19:6
Isaiah said to them, "Thus you shall say to your master, 'Thus says the LORD, "Do not be afraid because of the words that you have heard, with which the servants of the king of Assyria have blasphemed Me.

1 Chronicles 22:13
"Then you will prosper, if you are careful to observe the statutes and the ordinances which the LORD commanded Moses concerning Israel. Be strong and courageous, do not fear nor be dismayed.

1 Chronicles 28:20
Then David said to his son Solomon, " Be strong and courageous, and act;  do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.

2 Chronicles 20:15-17
and he said, "Listen, all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem and King Jehoshaphat: thus says the LORD to you, 'Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God's.
'Tomorrow go down against them. Behold, they will come up by the ascent of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the valley in front of the wilderness of Jeruel.
'You need not fight in this battle;  station yourselves, stand and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem ' Do not fear or be dismayed;  tomorrow go out to face them, for the LORD is with you."

2 Chronicles 32:7
"Be strong and courageous, do not fear or be dismayed because of the king of Assyria nor because of all the horde that is with him;  for the one with us is greater than the one with him.

Nehemiah 4:14
When I saw their fear, I rose and spoke to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people: "Do not be afraid of them;  remember the Lord who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your houses."

Psalm 3:6
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people Who have set themselves against me round about.

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;  Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation;  Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life;  Whom shall I dread?

Psalm 27:3
Though a host encamp against me, My heart will not fear;  Though war arise against me, In spite of this I shall be confident.

Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;

Psalm 49:5
Why should I fear in days of adversity, When the iniquity of my foes surrounds me,

Psalm 49:16
Do not be afraid when a man becomes rich, When the glory of his house is increased;

Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.

Psalm 56:4
In God, whose word I praise, In God I have put my trust;  I shall not be afraid. What can mere man do to me?

Psalm 56:11
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?

Psalm 78:53
He led them safely, so that they did not fear;  But the sea engulfed their enemies.

Psalm 91:5
You will not be afraid of the terror by night, Or of the arrow that flies by day;

Psalm 112:7
He will not fear evil tidings;  His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

Psalm 112:8
His heart is upheld, he will not fear, Until he looks with satisfaction on his adversaries.

Psalm 118:6
The LORD is for me;  I will not fear;  What can man do to me?

Psalm 145:19
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;  He will also hear their cry and will save them.

Proverbs 3:24-25
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;  When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden fear, Nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes;
For the LORD will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught.

Isaiah 8:12
"You are not to say, 'It is a conspiracy!'In regard to all that this people call a conspiracy,And you are not to fear what they fear or be in dread of it.

Isaiah 8:13
"It is the LORD of hosts whom you should regard as holy.And He shall be your fear,And He shall be your dread.

Isaiah 10:24
Therefore thus says the Lord GOD of hosts, "O My people who dwell in Zion, do not fear the Assyrian who strikes you with the rod and lifts up his staff against you, the way Egypt did.

Isaiah 12:2
"Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid;  For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, And He has become my salvation."

Isaiah 35:4
Say to those with anxious heart,"Take courage, fear not Behold, your God will come with vengeance; The recompense of God will come,But He will save you."

Isaiah 41:10
'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'

Isaiah 41:13
"For I am the LORD your God, who upholds your right hand,Who says to you, ' Do not fear, I will help you.'

Isaiah 41:14
"Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel; I will help you," declares the LORD, "and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 43:1
But now, thus says the LORD, your Creator, O Jacob,And He who formed you, O Israel,"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name;  you are Mine!

Isaiah 43:5
"Do not fear, for I am with you;  I will bring your offspring from the east,And gather you from the west.

Isaiah 44:2
Thus says the LORD who made you And formed you from the womb, who will help you,' Do not fear, O Jacob My servant;  And you Jeshurun whom I have chosen.

Isaiah 44:8
'Do not tremble and do not be afraid;  Have I not long since announced it to you and declared it? And you are My witnesses. Is there any God besides Me, Or is there any other Rock? I know of none.'"

Isaiah 51:7
" Listen to Me, you who know righteousness, A people in whose heart is My law;  Do not fear the reproach of man, Nor be dismayed at their revilings.

Isaiah 51:12-15
"I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies,
And of the son of man who is made like grass,
That you have forgotten the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth,
That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor,
As he makes ready to destroy?
But where is the fury of the oppressor?
The exile will soon be set free, and will not die in the dungeon, nor will his bread be lacking.
For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea and its waves roar (the LORD of hosts is His name).
Jeremiah 1:8
"Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD.

Jeremiah 30:10
'Fear not, O Jacob My servant,' declares the LORD, 'And do not be dismayed, O Israel;
For behold, I will save you from afar, And your offspring from the land of their captivity
And Jacob will return and will be quiet and at ease, And no one will make him afraid.

Jeremiah 42:11
'Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you are now fearing;  do not be afraid of him,' declares the LORD, 'for I am with you to save you and deliver you from his hand.

Jeremiah 51:46-47
"Now so that your heart does not grow faint, And you are not afraid at the report that will be heard in the land--For the report will come one year,And after that another report in another year, And violence will be in the land With ruler against ruler--
Therefore behold, days are coming When I will punish the idols of Babylon;  And her whole land will be put to shame, And all her slain will fall in her midst.

Jeremiah 30:10
'Fear not, O Jacob My servant,' declares the LORD,'And do not be dismayed, O Israel; For behold, I will save you from afar And your offspring from the land of their captivity. And Jacob will return and will be quiet and at ease, And no one will make him afraid.

Jeremiah 46:27
"But as for you, O Jacob My servant, do not fear, Nor be dismayed, O Israel! For, see, I am going to save you from afar, And your descendants from the land of their captivity; And Jacob will return and be undisturbed And secure, with no one making him tremble.

Jeremiah 46:28
"O Jacob My servant, do not fear," declares the LORD, "For I am with you. For I will make a full end of all the nations Where I have driven you, Yet I will not make a full end of you; But I will correct you properly And by no means leave you unpunished."

Lamentations 3:57
You drew near when I called on You; You said, "Do not fear!"

Ezekiel 2:6
"And you, son of man, neither fear them nor fear their words, though thistles and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions;  neither fear their words nor be dismayed at their presence, for they are a rebellious house.

Ezekiel 3:9
"Like emery harder than flint I have made your forehead. Do not be afraid of them or be dismayed before them, though they are a rebellious house."

Daniel 10:12
Then he said to me, "Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words.

Daniel 10:19
He said, "O man of high esteem, do not be afraid. Peace be with you;  take courage and be courageous!" Now as soon as he spoke to me, I received strength and said, "May my lord speak, for you have strengthened me."

Haggai 2:5
'As for the promise which I made you when you came out of Egypt, My Spirit is abiding in your midst;  do not fear!'

Matthew 1:20
But when he had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, " Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife;  for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 6:25 ff
25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink;  nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?
27"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
28"And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow;  they do not toil nor do they spin,
29yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these.
30"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!
31"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?'
32"For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things;  for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.
33"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34"So do not worry about tomorrow;  for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 8:26
He said to them, "Why are you afraid, you men of little faith?" Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.

Matthew 10:26-31
"Therefore do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known.
"What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops.
"Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.
"But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.
"So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

Matthew 14:26-27
When the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, "It is a ghost!" And they cried out in fear.
But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, "Take courage, it is I;  do not be afraid."

Matthew 17:7
And Jesus came to them and touched them and said, "Get up, and do not be afraid."

Matthew 28:5
The angel said to the women, " Do not be afraid;  for I know that you are looking for Jesus who has been crucified.

Matthew 28:10
Then Jesus said to them, " Do not be afraid;  go and take word to My brethren to leave for Galilee, and there they will see Me."

Mark 4:40
And He said to them, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Mark 5:36
But Jesus, overhearing what was being spoken, said to the synagogue official, " Do not be afraid any longer, only believe."

Mark 6:50
for they all saw Him and were terrified. But immediately He spoke with them and said to them, " Take courage;  it is I, do not be afraid."

Luke 1:13
But the angel said to him, " Do not be afraid, Zacharias, for your petition has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you will give him the name John.

Luke 1:30
The angel said to her, " Do not be afraid, Mary;  for you have found favor with God.

Luke 2:10
But the angel said to them, " Do not be afraid;  for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people;

Luke 5:10
and so also were James and John, sons of Zebedee, who were partners with Simon. And Jesus said to Simon, " Do not fear, from now on you will be catching men."

Luke 8:50
But when Jesus heard this, He answered him, " Do not be afraid any longer;  only believe, and she will be made well."

Luke 10:41-42
But the Lord answered and said to her, " Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things;
but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Luke 12:4-7
"I say to you, My friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that have no more that they can do.
"But I will warn you whom to fear: fear the One who, after He has killed, has authority to cast into hell; yes, I tell you, fear Him!
"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God.
"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.

Luke 12:32
" Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

John 6:20
But He said to them, "It is I;  do not be afraid."

Acts 18:9
And the Lord said to Paul in the night by a vision, "Do not be afraid any longer, but go on speaking and do not be silent;

Acts 27:24
saying, 'Do not be afraid, Paul;  you must stand before Caesar;  and behold, God has granted you all those who are sailing with you.'

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Hebrews 13:6
so that we confidently say,"the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?"

I Peter 5:6-7
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

Revelation 1:17
When I saw Him, I fell at His feet like a dead man. And He placed His right hand on me, saying, " Do not be afraid;  I am the first and the last, and the living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and of Hades.

What cultural values shape your priorities and actions?

I have heard it said that western (european and north american) societies are based on an "Innocence versus Guilt" mentality, wheras eastern (middle-east, far east, and northern africa) societies are based on an "Honor versus Shame" mentality, and that tribalist (southern africa, rural tribes in all other parts of the world) societies are based on a "Strength vs Weakness" mentality.

In many anthropological and missiological circles, this is taken as established fact and rarely questioned.  And there are good reasons to see these basic differences as real.   For example, see this anecdote (http://www.iculturelink.com/pitfalls-for-westerners-in-a-shame-based-culture/) and many other such published anecdotes.

Westerners, so the theory goes, are very concerned with doing what is "right" and avoiding what is "wrong".  Those in Oriental cultures however, says the theory, are more concerned with doing what will bring honor... not only to the person themselves, but to the person's family.  These cultures are more focused on the group / the collective in general, as opposed to more of an individualistic focus in Western cultures.   For this reason the concept of "saving face" is more important in Eastern cultures.

I think there's a fair amount of truth to the generalization.  However, I have a few thoughts.

1. Often these categories are brought out by people who are trying not merely to describe, but to prescribe.
That is, when someone like David Marantz writes his book "Afrian Friends and Money Matters", although they generally try to stay neutral ("this is how an African thinks about friendship"), they sometimes slip into persuasion mode ("these are the problems with how Americans conceive of friendship").
Likewise with these categories.  The persuasion can be mild and innocent, as in trying to help someone understand a non-western culture so as to not offend people when he/she travels there, or it can be subtle/deadly, as when someone suggests that the understanding of the Gospel that emphasizes Christ's substitutionary propitiatory atonement for individuals' sins is misguided and is superseded/overshadowed by the Bible's teaching about ethics and personal morality or the global kingdom-of-God teachings.
In other words, if one is simply pointing out differences between societies, fine.  But if one goes beyond this and indicates that we shouldn't be so focused on guilt/innocence because that's a culturally myopic "Western" perspective on the gospel, I say in response that the Bible itself is our only absolute standard...   And what if, in fact, the Bible has had a historically larger effect on "western" society than on "eastern" society (e.g. when Paul the apostle was directed into Europe by the Holy Spirit rather than into Asia, in Acts 16)?  Our goal is not the average of all cultures, but conformity to the Bible!
Learning about other cultures' subconscious/ingrained values can be helpful in understanding our own cultural glasses, but there is an equal danger of uncritically adopting other cultures' values.  The Bible alone is the perfect truth....

2. Is it really true that the Western value system is "guilt-innocence" based?   I think it might more accurately be characterized as "pleasure-pain" based instead.  In other words, Westerners seem to put highest value on personal pleasure, and avoiding personal pain.  "Doing the right thing" is not quite as important, subconsciously, it seems to me.  Pleasure comes in different forms - money, shopping, technology, entertainment, movies, sex, and most importantly, health...

3. The question is asked by others - how best may the Gospel be wrapped in a presentation that most appeals to the subconscious values of people in different cultures?  Paul talked about "becoming all things to all men so that I might by all means save some", referring to following Jewish cultural traditions when talking with the Jews, Greek cultural traditions when talking with the Greeks, etc.
Missiologists today talk about presenting the Gospel to Oriental Muslims in terms of "Christ the Victor who triumphed over sin and death and the devil and was brought to a position of supreme power and glory by His Father (Philippians 2)".  In other words, emphasize the parts of the gospel that most resonate with the cultural values of the person you're witnessing to.  Missiologists talk of couching the Gospel to tribalists in terms of the absolute power of God who raised His Son from the dead, "since it was impossible for Him to be held captive to it", and His absolute superiority and supremacy over all the evil spirits.  In the New Testament, whenever Christ commanded a spirit to do something, it had to obey immediately.
This understanding of cultural values has some usefulness, since the Bible does talk about these other "perspectives" on the Gospel...   But there are some pitfalls to be careful about.  Eventually the full counsel of God MUST be presented... and before the person 'converts' too! ...or else how will he/she be able to knowledgeably 'count the cost' of following Christ?  If the cost is not understood, there will be many initial converts, but most of them will fall away.
For example, the Oriental Muslim must understand that the way of Christ is characterized by extreme dishonor... "You will be hated by all men on account of My name," said Christ.  They will bring dishonor and shame upon their families.  Christ's own exaltation came after His extreme descent into degradation and dishonor (Philippians 2 again!).  The tribalist must understand that the way of Christ will be accompanied with extreme weakness (2 Corinthians 4).... "My grace is sufficient for you... [My] strength is perfected in [your] weakness..." said God in 2 Corinthians 12:9.

4. Perhaps the way to avoid the pitfalls is to focus on heaven!...
Will Jesus' disciples receive honor?  Absolutely... but it will only surely come in Heaven.  Before that, it will come and go capriciously.  On that day, the honor will come from God Himself.  John 5:44 - "How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?"
Will Jesus' disciples receive power and be "set securely on high" forever (and get to judge the angels)?  Absolutely.  But there will be many valleys of weakness in this earthly life before we finally get there.
Will Jesus' disciples receive "pleasures forevermore"?  Absolutely.  Not here.  There.

5. Perhaps John Piper (known for his teaching of "Christian Hedonism") is a good example of wrapping the gospel in a message that is aimed directly at the pleasure-seeking hearts of Americans (including myself of course).   All his dozens of books are perfused with that thesis:  the eternal pleasures that come from God are eminently WORTH.... anything/everything/putting-Christ-first-and-obeying-Him.

6. I wonder if the cultural values of the so-called "Generation X" or "Generation Next" (the young generation of current Americans and Europeans) might be slightly modified from pleasure-pain....  namely, excitement-boredom.   In other words, having a life that is "fun" and "exciting" and "happening" and "in the center of the action" and "not-out-of-the-loop" might be a cultural value that is pervasive across American youth (and conversely, the thing to avoid at all costs is having a "boring" life).  Similar in some ways to the Roman culture right before they fell.... circuses, gladiators, people thrown to the lions in the Coliseum, etc...
Perhaps this is a slight shift in American cultural values...?  Or perhaps this is just the age factor, and the youth of all cultures would evince more of this than the elders?  But I wonder if the technology of America has exacerbated this trend.... e.g. Hollywood movies, television shows, video games, Facebook, Twitter, etc.

7. And so the challenge to the next generation of American evangelists....  what does the Gospel of Christ have to offer to excitement-hungry teens?   Is there any excitement to look forward to in heaven, that can sustain a disciple of Christ through the boring backwaters of God-focused earthly life?

 

I've been thinking about parenting some recently, having seen many good and bad examples, and having experienced God's parenting in my own life.  I have learned/realized some things recently, although it's a bit hard still to pin it down and put it into words.  I'll try to note a few things below.  Sorry it's so rambling.  Maybe these thoughts will coalesce into a more succinct form in the future.

1. First, consider these verses, from our friends Job and Paul  (consider also the story of Jonah, and the plant that God 'gave' and then 'took away')...

 He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."     (Job 1:21)

Notice this about God - that He gives and He takes away.  He doesn't only give (like 'Santa Claus'), and He doesn't only take away (like we are sometimes tempted to believe, when grieving a great loss).  He does both.   Why?  Is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?

How is it possible to trust Someone who gives good gifts one moment, then painful heartaches the next moment?  How can one repose one's heart in Him, release one's future to Him, if you never know what painful thing He's going to throw at you next?  When the dentist says "this might hurt a bit, but just close your eyes and try to relax", how do you respond internally?  Is this what God tells us to do (Proverbs 3:5-6), or is the analogy incorrect?

The second passage:

"Men, why are you doing these things? We are also men of the same nature as you, and preach the gospel to you that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who 'made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them.' In the generations gone by He permitted all the nations to go their own ways; and yet He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness."  (Acts 14:15-17)

What is it about receiving things like food and rain for one's crops that points one to God?  What is Paul saying here?

2. I think it's C.S. Lewis who talks about why God does this ---  God "gives AND takes away" in order to awaken in people the desire for Him..... the Object of desire which is the only truly satisfying one (see also this interesting related article on 'sehnsucht', a German word approximately meaning "longing"/"desire").  More on this below.

3. The concept of parenting seems to be related to this.  Parenting seems to be two main things: living an example to one's kids, and teaching/training specific principles to one's kids.  Training seems to be accomplished using rewards and punishments... rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behavior.  The idea is that if you train children consistently using rewards and punishments, they will build character habits... at first they won't understand the rationale (they'll just know 'when I beat up my brother, I get spanked, which hurts, so I'd better not beat up my brother any more'), but as they mature, they'll understand the rationale ('it is better for many reasons to live in an amicable relationship with my brother').   Once the kids get to the teen age, spanking doesn't hold much terror for them any more, and once they hit their late teens and older, all punishments lose effect... so the training has to take place early.... but if it works, the kids won't need the rewards/punishments any more... they will WANT to act in these mature ways (for better/higher motivations)...

Anyway, the parent must both give, and take away.   Sometimes I see a parent trying to only take away, without giving... e.g. taking away their privileges, yelling at them (usually the ones who yell are the same ones who don't spank), threatening them, grounding them, etc.  Sometimes I see a parent trying to only give, without taking away...  e.g. sacrificially providing opportunities (educational, social, financial, etc) without being willing to take away those privileges if the kid is behaving badly... parents giving money to a kid who is married, jobless, homeless, etc and enabling his continued unruly lifestyle, etc.

But it is beautiful to see a parent both giving and taking away, toward the goal of seeing his/her child become an upright and mature adult.   The parent gives gifts of toys, social opportunities, educational opportunities, field trips, delicious foods, money, etc, constantly pondering what new gifts he/she might be able to give.... while being ready to take away, withold, punish, spank, scold, etc whenever the child needs it.  In engineering terms the parent is keeping open a wide dynamic range of parental reference signal to the child.

4.  As I currently understand it, this process looks different depending on whether the person is being drawn by God or not (or whether the person is seeking God or not through God's Spirit working in their heart, or whether the person is one of God's elect 'sheep' or not... different ways of saying the same thing).

If the person is being drawn by God, when God gives a good gift to them, he/she respond in delight and thanksgiving --- 'wow, thanks God!! I never knew life could be this good... my perspective on the upper end of the realm of possibility has just been expanded... if being-with-You-in-heaven is better than THIS, then it must be far better than thought previously...'  Then when God takes away that good thing, or brings some hardship into his/her life, they respond like Job - 'ok God, for some reason in your better/wiser plan You have taken this away for some good purpose... thank You that what I possess in having/knowing/being-connected-with You Yourself is far better than anything I have lost or could ever possibly lose here on earth... thank You for the reminder, in this loss, that my true Treasure is not this thing, but You... ' (Lamentations 3:24, 1 Cor 7:29-31, John 17:1-5, etc)

But the non-elect person responds differently... when God sends the good gift, it only dulls the spiritual sensibilities and cases the person to be more entrenched against God, if He comes to mind at all ("ok God, here's one thing I'm never going to let you take away from me"), and when God sends the pain or takes away the gift, it only causes rage and bitterness against God.  Again C.S.Lewis' story is powerful -- of the dwarves in "The Last Battle" who, although seated in a beautiful meadow and presented with a delicious banquet, are unable to see/enjoy it for what it is and end up less satisfied than before.   Cf. Revelation 9:20-21, 16:9,11...

5.  www.beerisproof.org says these things more coherently than I.   From their website: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Quoting Lewis again: "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

6. Someone, probably Lewis again, has compared the "far-better"-ness of life-with-God to the scenario of trying to explain the pleasures of sex to a little child.  "Is it better than eating chocolate or playing with Legos?" the child asks incredulously.  How could something possibly be better than Legos? or chocolate??

Or consider a boy playing on his Xbox.  He is so engrossed by the game that he barely hears his mom say that she and his dad and the rest of his family are now waiting in the car to begin their family vacation at the beach.   "That's nice," he mumbles, eyes fixed on the screen.  His mom suddenly reaches over and abruptly switches off the power.  At first the boy is upset.  But as soon as he reaches the beach, he begins to become secretly grateful that he was forced to leave his game.   Why?

There are categories of joy that apparently we cannot even begin to grasp... and the same applies to what God is doing in His parenting of us...   He gives us delightful gifts, to shock us into realizing that there is a far greater joy awaiting us than we had imagined existed.  He then takes takes away those gifts and pours heartache into our lives, to shock us into remembering that this world is not our home and we ought not to pretend like it is.  He then repeats the cycle.

Blessing and heartache, blessing and heartache, "happiness and tears", bigger and bigger every month, wrenching our hearts out of joint, overflowing us with blessing beyond our capacity even to say 'thank you', grinding us under pains so great we can't even begin to explain them to our friends, every year upping the amplitude of life's circumstances and timing the phase just right to shatter our complacent little lives...       WHY?        As I asked above, "is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?"     Or, does He have an awesome purpose... is He parenting us with deliberate care to grow in us huge anticipation/delight/longing...     for the only 'thing' that can ultimately satisfy us... that is, Himself........

 

 However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him."     I Corinthians 2:9

 

 

It is interesting how one can tell the state of a couple's love by how they talk in public.  Do they show respect to each other?  Do they bring up their partner's strengths or weaknesses for conversation?

If the former, it is because the person is secure enough in himself/herself or in something else (e.g. Jesus Christ) that 'bedrocks' his/her life that he/she can 'afford' to lift up the spouse before others.  If the latter, it is because the person is insecure and is trying to feel better about himself/herself by making the spouse look bad.  Self-deprecating remarks are somewhere in-between, because they are sometimes just a reverse-psychology way to get people to give reassurances in reply.  But sometimes they are other-directed.

Recent examples:

1. A newlywed wife makes fun of the way her husband loves John Deere tractors and glances at the John Deere store every time they drive by.

2. A husband makes jokes about how his wife starts lots of projects but never finishes them.

3. A husband, during a meal with an older couple at a restaurant, sincerely and unsolicitedly praises his wife's home cooking.

4. A husband makes a decision about a family event.  Immediately the wife contradicts him, says why his plan won't work, and announces that the family will do something else instead.

Respectful, complimentary talk about one's spouse in front of him/her is often a clear window into the love present in private.  Likewise, talk behind one's back can also be an indicator...  but less 'accessible' than the public evidence (in the sense that one has 'public' data on all couples, but 'private' data on only a few friends)...

Recent examples:

1. A wife complains to friends that her husband doesn't spend much time with her.

2. A husband boasts to his friends about how frugal and shopping-smart his wife is, and how much he trusts her advice on financial matters.

Public compliments betoken a 'hothouse environment', a relationship soil that is either so rich with trust that the person is comfortable making the statement (e.g. "I can go way out on a limb and expose my feelings of appreciation for my spouse, knowing that my spouse won't tear me apart emotionally by making fun of my compliment when we're in private") OR a relationship with someone even MORE important than the spouse (e.g. Jesus Christ) that is so strong that "even if my spouse tears me apart emotionally in private, I don't care, I'll honor her in public anyway, because the solace and love that I get from Jesus is ENOUGH for me in every way".

Private compliments are a small step in the right direction...  A "I don't trust you enough yet to honor you in front of our friends, but I trust you enough to thank/honor you here and now"...

However (disclaimer #1), some friends have told me that my thoughts on this are only partial, in that some people give public compliments in a phony manner, simply to try to 'earn points' with the spouse.  That may be true.  I don't think I see it very often though.

Disclaimer #2 - I certainly think it is the case that some people don't very much appreciate words of affirmation, because they instinctively feel that such words are either dishonest, or misinformed.  I.e. the "Five Love Languages" book probably has some good points to make, even if there are more than five, and even if I've never read the book.  It is also probably the case, regarding the 'dishonest/misinformed/accurate' trilemma, that words from people who know one most deeply tend to be most appreciated, as well as words from people who dispense praise sparingly.  Supply and demand, I guess.

Disclaimer #3 - Lest marrieds reading this think that public praise is the magic bullet to intimacy, it is also interesting to watch spouses' reactions to public praise.  If the praise was accurate and given the appropriate energy and based on deep knowledge and directed by love, the person will be happy but will of course redirect the glory to Christ the source of goodness and to human teachers.  If the praise was inaccurate or phony or overdone or emphasizing a supposed strength that the spouse actually considers a weakness, the reaction will divulge this too.

By the way, the magic bullet to intimacy in marriage, to the extent that one exists, is caring more about the spouse's benefit than one's own... and caring more about Christ than either spouse or self.  "To the extent that one exists"... because one ultimately cannot make one's spouse love you.  But one can enjoy intimacy with Christ to the full...   and they say it's even better than marriage...  and from what little I know, I agree...

Regarding Charles Darwin's 200th birthday, www.CreationSafaris.com has some great analysis!   It's worth reading every day.

Also, regarding the following quote:

Why is knowing God and embracing His sovereignty so important when we're single? We have to keep in mind that we've received this gift of singleness from the pierced hand of the One who bore all of our sins - from unbelief as singles to selfishness as marrieds. We can be like Peter who initially rebuked Jesus for His humiliating, yet glorious, plan of redemption - or we can be like Mary, who came to accept His plan and purposes, and demonstrated it in the costly outpouring of perfume in anticipation of his burial. Confident of the Lord's good plan for our lives, we can emulate Mary and spend our treasures (youth, dreams, desires) to further His purposes on this earth.
More importantly, when we are almost faint under the strain and worry of wondering if singleness is to be forever, we need to be reminded that there is an end to singleness: One day we will be at the wedding feast of the Lamb and we will be His bride. Even if we receive the gift of marriage on this side of heaven, that's not our ultimate goal. It is a shadow and a type of what is planned for eternity and, like all things on this earth, it will have its conclusion in death. Our Father knows the time when earthly gifts will be distributed and when they will be no more; He knows, as well, when the heavenly wedding feast will commence. We can blissfully rest in the knowledge that the future is better than anything we think we've missed now: Jesus is preparing us for the eternal rewards and eternal joys of a future He's told us is too inexpressible for us to understand. For His purposes, and within His covenant to always do us good (Jeremiah 33:40), He has declared for us that being single now and into the foreseeable future is His very best. He desires that we overflow with hope as we trust in him (Romans 15:13) and his sovereignty in this season -- redefining hope from hoping in a particular gift from God to trusting the God of hope unreservedly.  (http://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/The-God-Who-Knows-the-End-of-Your-Singleness)

...the excellent point is made that singles have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of their loneliness and heartache, just as marrieds have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of the stresses of family relationships and needs... just as chronically-ill people have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of their physical pain, just as.... every pain and every life-circumstance carries with it the special and unique opportunity to showcase God's glory and value...   YOU have a unique ability that no one else in the world has ever had or will ever had, in trusting wholeheartedly in God in the midst of your own unique life-situation...   in saying with David (Ps 39:7) "And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You."  ...and with Jeremiah (Lam 3:27) "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I have hope in Him."

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:3-9)

What do you all think about the common practice of giving people compliments on their appearance? ...whether their clothing style, their haircut, a particular tie or shirt or dress, or things that are genetic like one's smile or eye color...

What good do remarks of this sort do?   I desire to be convinced that they are good, but I am not convinced yet.

I can easily see the appropriateness of such remarks between a husband and wife, as they serve to connect the two in "I like everything about you" sentiment.  ... but for unmarried friends, how is it profitable?

Also, while I'm in the xanga-rant-ing mode, my friend Andre recently asked the question of why Christians would ever go swimming in mixed (male-female) company with bathing suits not covered by t-shirts and shorts - i.e., why Christians would put swimming comfort on a higher plane than modesty and helping their brothers/sisters not stumble.  I think it's a really good question.  "Because everyone else does it" is not an acceptable answer.  I think I will try to move in this direction myself... if you see me swimming in mixed company without a shirt, call me out about it.