Here is my current general mindset about girls, described briefly below with some theological thoughts/tactics at the end.   (I'm not sure how typical my mindset is among Christian American single men my age... I suspect it's somewhat atypical, but I'd be interested to hear more from you readers, especially those who are in the same situation I'm in.  Of course, the important thing is what God thinks about our attitudes, not what other humans think).   My mindset has been shaped by many people and circumstances, including Jonathan Lindvall's, John Piper's, and Joshua Harris' teachings, much advice from many counselors, past personal relationships, and observation of many other couples.

All girls fall into one of three categories.  A girl is either (1) someone you're not attracted to, or (2) someone you're attracted to but for some reason believe it is not God's will for you to pursue in marriage, or (3) someone you're attracted to and believe it is God's will for you to pursue in marriage.  Furthermore, each category can be further subdivided into whether you sense that she is attracted to you or not-- (a) she is not attracted to you, (b) she is attracted to you.   Attraction can of course be subdivided too - sometimes it's only physical, sometimes it's only personality, sometimes it's only character/maturity/godliness, and usually it's a mixture of these.  (For now I'll ignore this distinction, in the text below.)

So then:

(1a) If you're not attracted to her and she's not attracted to you: You can "relax" completely around these girls, and share more freely about things you're going through, your thoughts/desires/hopes, etc.  An amusing but surprisingly populous subset of this category is of those girls who somehow think that you're attracted to them when you're actually not.  Typically they evince noticable coolness toward you in an attempt to 'turn you off'.  From my perspective, it's just plain annoying.  But there's nothing one can do about it, except keep being 'normally friendly', etc.  It's harder than you might think to "try to be normal".     And of course people tell you to "stop trying so hard", but of course that simply means "try to stop trying so hard", and it's easier said than done...

(1b) If you're not attracted to her but she's attracted to you:   You need to be VERY CAREFUL in your interactions with her, to avoid being "overly friendly" / to avoid sending signals which she'd interpret as interest in her and thus contribute to causing her to stumble / breaking her heart.  It's a tight balancing act, fraught with constant failure, to be friendly but not too friendly, all for the sake of showing long-term agape-love toward her / looking out for her best interests.

(2a) If you're attracted to her but she's not attracted to you and God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage:  You need to be VERY CAREFUL in how much time you spend with her, in what situations, etc.  You need to try to keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart.  Usually this comes out in "avoidance", slight "gruffness", and overall general uncomfortableness/awkwardness when you're around her.

(2b) If you're attracted to her AND she's attracted to you but somehow and for some reason God has made it clear to you that you are not to pursue her in marriage: you need to be EXTREMELY EXTREMELY CAREFUL in your interactions, to not send signals of interest (despite the internal attraction), and keep an IRON GRIP on your own heart, to put an immediate end to any germinating thoughts of a future relationship.  This manifests in reduced time spent with her, strained conversation, etc.  Again, the reason you're intentionally putting distance into the relationship is for her long-term best interests...  you're commissioned with the protection of her heart for her future husband or for a future life of productive singleness.

(3) If it was someone God was commanding you to marry, of course, you'd pursue this girl as long as His commandment was in effect, regardless of whether she sent encouraging feedback or not (although of course God sometimes uses such feedback as part of His will-clarifying process).  And of course, if marriage were to ensue, once the marriage vow is made, agape-love toward her is enjoined for the rest of your lives regardless of how the "attraction" waxes or wanes.

Typical percentages for me, of all the girls my age in my life: (1a): 30%, (1b): 20%, (2a): 40%, (2b): 10%.

Tactics I've found helpful:  (for a born-again-through-Christ single man who desires to please God by implementing pure relationships, whether or not marriage ever comes)

1.  Schedule intentional time to spend with godly families with children.   This alleviates loneliness, helps to restore 'normalcy' and sanity, and provides interesting opportunities to observe 'what works' and 'what doesn't work' in child rearing and spousal relationships. It also has potential to help the family too.

2.  Develop the mental habit of constantly forcing the girls in one's field-of-view or life-situation into the Biblical categories.  For example: 1 Timothy 5:1-2 "Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity."   So all girls would be considered as either "wife" or "non-wife", and "non-wife" would be those I ought to appeal to as "mothers" or as "sisters".   Don't allow the slightest hint of romantic affection to creep into any "non-wife" relationship, and if it ever creeps in, repent as soon as you notice it and ask Christ to help you eliminate it.
Another important passage: 1 Thessalonians 4--
 2For you know what commandments we gave you by the authority of the Lord Jesus.
3For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality;
4that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor,
5not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God;
6and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you.
7For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification.
8So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.
Following Lindvall, I think the word "defraud" in verse 6 is quite enlightening.  Anything that takes romantic affections away from those who rightfully own it (one's own potential future wife, or another woman's husband or future husband) is stealing and should be avoided.

3.  In the specific case of (1b) if a married woman seems attracted to you, be "on guard" and avoid excessive friendliness and be ready to follow Joseph's example of "fleeing" if/when necessary (regardless of the outcome!).  Remember that what she really needs is Christ (or more-of-Christ, if she already has Him), and that God is watching you, whether you will be faithful in protecting her marriage, or not.

4.  In cases (2a) and (2b), if you sense that your attraction to them is causing you to be constantly "losing the battle" of treating them "normally"/"sisterly" when you spend time around them, seriously consider/pray about not spending that time!  Separate yourself; do whatever it takes to facilitate holiness.  Change your lunch hour, find a new job, move to a different church, move to a different state, whatever.  If you think that sounds too radical, consider this statement:
"If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell."
The speaker, of course, is Jesus Christ, in Matthew 18.

5.  Trying to "abstain" from affectionate relationship is only a very temporary fix.  The ultimate solution is more and deeper satisfaction in Christ.  That is to say: "idols of the heart cannot be removed; they can only be replaced." Consider: "...seeing that His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence. For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust." (2 Peter 1:3-4)
How do we escape this "corruption that is in the world by lust"?  Through the "knowledge of Him" and through His "precious and magnificent promises".
How does this work?  What does it look like?  As far as I can tell, it means focusing on heaven.   That is, focusing on the soon-coming time when we will be fully satisfied, forever, by Christ Himself and everything He will give us / show us / etc.   When you do this, many people (even many close Christian friends) will tell you you're focusing too much on heaven and ought to instead be focusing more on earthly happiness.    IGNORE THEM.  God's opinion of you is all that matters.

6. Along the same lines, spending time ALONE in prayer with God and spending time MEDITATING on His Word seem to be great practical helps in this realignment of our desires.   Jesus apparently did it a lot.

7. Recognize that serious misunderstandings from others will inevitably come as you try to pursue pure relationships.  Unsaved people will think you're nuts for not trying to get "as much as you can squeeze" out of  relationships with girls.  Christian people will constantly try to match you up with girls, tell you you ought to get married, tell you there's something wrong with you, etc.  Also on the other side-- you will hear rumors that girls think you're weird, etc.  People will gossip behind your back about how you're sexually perverted, either homosexually or heterosexually, and 'that's why you're not married'.  Husbands will ask you not to spend time alone with their wives because their wives feel uncomfortable around you.  All these things, and more (cf. Joseph in Egypt!!) may come upon you.  BUT, you can be prepared to do two things: Forgive everyone for everything (i.e. let God do the judging and repaying), and, focus your attention on what God thinks about you, not what other people think about you.

But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away.
-- 1 Corinthians 7:29-31

I've been thinking about parenting some recently, having seen many good and bad examples, and having experienced God's parenting in my own life.  I have learned/realized some things recently, although it's a bit hard still to pin it down and put it into words.  I'll try to note a few things below.  Sorry it's so rambling.  Maybe these thoughts will coalesce into a more succinct form in the future.

1. First, consider these verses, from our friends Job and Paul  (consider also the story of Jonah, and the plant that God 'gave' and then 'took away')...

 He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."     (Job 1:21)

Notice this about God - that He gives and He takes away.  He doesn't only give (like 'Santa Claus'), and He doesn't only take away (like we are sometimes tempted to believe, when grieving a great loss).  He does both.   Why?  Is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?

How is it possible to trust Someone who gives good gifts one moment, then painful heartaches the next moment?  How can one repose one's heart in Him, release one's future to Him, if you never know what painful thing He's going to throw at you next?  When the dentist says "this might hurt a bit, but just close your eyes and try to relax", how do you respond internally?  Is this what God tells us to do (Proverbs 3:5-6), or is the analogy incorrect?

The second passage:

"Men, why are you doing these things? We are also men of the same nature as you, and preach the gospel to you that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who 'made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them.' In the generations gone by He permitted all the nations to go their own ways; and yet He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness."  (Acts 14:15-17)

What is it about receiving things like food and rain for one's crops that points one to God?  What is Paul saying here?

2. I think it's C.S. Lewis who talks about why God does this ---  God "gives AND takes away" in order to awaken in people the desire for Him..... the Object of desire which is the only truly satisfying one (see also this interesting related article on 'sehnsucht', a German word approximately meaning "longing"/"desire").  More on this below.

3. The concept of parenting seems to be related to this.  Parenting seems to be two main things: living an example to one's kids, and teaching/training specific principles to one's kids.  Training seems to be accomplished using rewards and punishments... rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behavior.  The idea is that if you train children consistently using rewards and punishments, they will build character habits... at first they won't understand the rationale (they'll just know 'when I beat up my brother, I get spanked, which hurts, so I'd better not beat up my brother any more'), but as they mature, they'll understand the rationale ('it is better for many reasons to live in an amicable relationship with my brother').   Once the kids get to the teen age, spanking doesn't hold much terror for them any more, and once they hit their late teens and older, all punishments lose effect... so the training has to take place early.... but if it works, the kids won't need the rewards/punishments any more... they will WANT to act in these mature ways (for better/higher motivations)...

Anyway, the parent must both give, and take away.   Sometimes I see a parent trying to only take away, without giving... e.g. taking away their privileges, yelling at them (usually the ones who yell are the same ones who don't spank), threatening them, grounding them, etc.  Sometimes I see a parent trying to only give, without taking away...  e.g. sacrificially providing opportunities (educational, social, financial, etc) without being willing to take away those privileges if the kid is behaving badly... parents giving money to a kid who is married, jobless, homeless, etc and enabling his continued unruly lifestyle, etc.

But it is beautiful to see a parent both giving and taking away, toward the goal of seeing his/her child become an upright and mature adult.   The parent gives gifts of toys, social opportunities, educational opportunities, field trips, delicious foods, money, etc, constantly pondering what new gifts he/she might be able to give.... while being ready to take away, withold, punish, spank, scold, etc whenever the child needs it.  In engineering terms the parent is keeping open a wide dynamic range of parental reference signal to the child.

4.  As I currently understand it, this process looks different depending on whether the person is being drawn by God or not (or whether the person is seeking God or not through God's Spirit working in their heart, or whether the person is one of God's elect 'sheep' or not... different ways of saying the same thing).

If the person is being drawn by God, when God gives a good gift to them, he/she respond in delight and thanksgiving --- 'wow, thanks God!! I never knew life could be this good... my perspective on the upper end of the realm of possibility has just been expanded... if being-with-You-in-heaven is better than THIS, then it must be far better than thought previously...'  Then when God takes away that good thing, or brings some hardship into his/her life, they respond like Job - 'ok God, for some reason in your better/wiser plan You have taken this away for some good purpose... thank You that what I possess in having/knowing/being-connected-with You Yourself is far better than anything I have lost or could ever possibly lose here on earth... thank You for the reminder, in this loss, that my true Treasure is not this thing, but You... ' (Lamentations 3:24, 1 Cor 7:29-31, John 17:1-5, etc)

But the non-elect person responds differently... when God sends the good gift, it only dulls the spiritual sensibilities and cases the person to be more entrenched against God, if He comes to mind at all ("ok God, here's one thing I'm never going to let you take away from me"), and when God sends the pain or takes away the gift, it only causes rage and bitterness against God.  Again C.S.Lewis' story is powerful -- of the dwarves in "The Last Battle" who, although seated in a beautiful meadow and presented with a delicious banquet, are unable to see/enjoy it for what it is and end up less satisfied than before.   Cf. Revelation 9:20-21, 16:9,11...

5.  www.beerisproof.org says these things more coherently than I.   From their website: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Quoting Lewis again: "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

6. Someone, probably Lewis again, has compared the "far-better"-ness of life-with-God to the scenario of trying to explain the pleasures of sex to a little child.  "Is it better than eating chocolate or playing with Legos?" the child asks incredulously.  How could something possibly be better than Legos? or chocolate??

Or consider a boy playing on his Xbox.  He is so engrossed by the game that he barely hears his mom say that she and his dad and the rest of his family are now waiting in the car to begin their family vacation at the beach.   "That's nice," he mumbles, eyes fixed on the screen.  His mom suddenly reaches over and abruptly switches off the power.  At first the boy is upset.  But as soon as he reaches the beach, he begins to become secretly grateful that he was forced to leave his game.   Why?

There are categories of joy that apparently we cannot even begin to grasp... and the same applies to what God is doing in His parenting of us...   He gives us delightful gifts, to shock us into realizing that there is a far greater joy awaiting us than we had imagined existed.  He then takes takes away those gifts and pours heartache into our lives, to shock us into remembering that this world is not our home and we ought not to pretend like it is.  He then repeats the cycle.

Blessing and heartache, blessing and heartache, "happiness and tears", bigger and bigger every month, wrenching our hearts out of joint, overflowing us with blessing beyond our capacity even to say 'thank you', grinding us under pains so great we can't even begin to explain them to our friends, every year upping the amplitude of life's circumstances and timing the phase just right to shatter our complacent little lives...       WHY?        As I asked above, "is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?"     Or, does He have an awesome purpose... is He parenting us with deliberate care to grow in us huge anticipation/delight/longing...     for the only 'thing' that can ultimately satisfy us... that is, Himself........

 However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him."     I Corinthians 2:9

I saw this article today on CNN.com-- "How to save your marriage" .  Seems like everyone's getting into that endeavor these days (trying to help failing marriages), and for good reason, seeing all the divorces.  The article had some common-sense stuff.  But they missed the most powerful stuff, because they are secular and because part of the quote I'm about to post is extremely politically incorrect.

Ephesians 4:22-33

 ^22"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  ²³For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.  ²⁴But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

 ^25"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,  ²⁶so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  ²⁷that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.  ²⁸So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  ²⁹for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,  ³⁰because we are members of His body.  31For this reason "a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  ³²This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

 ^33"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."

It is difficult to explain how extremely attractive a quality submission is in a wife... the desirous/nurturing feelings it evokes in the husband, etc... and how the opposite is also true- insubordination powerfully quenches loving feelings...    I expect that the same is true for the other side, that a loving husband evokes happy contentment and submission in a wife and that an unloving husband encourages rebellion in the wife.

God, as the creator of men and women, certainly writes a good user manual.

A prayer/ministry partner that one can give flowers to and have sex with?  With whom one can share everything?

Really Big Things:

1. No matter how many counselors are urging you to do something, no matter how strongly they are urging you, no matter how unusual the combination of viewpoints converging to offer the same advice, no matter how trusted the counselors are, if you do not feel inner peace from God about going ahead with the choice (especially a choice like marriage), do not proceed.  Keep waiting and praying until you have peace from God about going forward.  You will save yourself a lot of heartache.   I know everybody talks about the other side: if you think you have God's blessing but all your counselors are urging caution, then don't proceed.  I don't know about that.  Counsel can be helpful.  But the leading of God's Spirit, in a heart walking closely with Him, is more important than any human counselor and is worth following even when all human counsel contradicts.
2. Don't hold on tightly to anything in life except God.  Hold everything except Him loosely.  If you don't, you will sooner or later be devastated when it dies or withers or breaks or is stolen away from you.  Fortunately I was privileged to learn this in the positive sense - if you are holding on to God more tightly than everything else, you will never be completely devastated.  You may sorrow, but never "as those who have no hope".  You may weep, but only "as if you were not weeping".
3. God is "worth" giving up everything else for.  Put another way, if you lose everything precious in life other than God, everything other than God that makes life fun and enjoyable and beautiful, or if not even everything, if you lose that one person here on earth who is your "sunshine", that one who is more important to you than any other human, such that you are left empty, devastated, reeling, depressed, etc, but you come to realize that you still 'have' God (in that you are an adopted child of God through faith in Jesus Christ and are thus a recipient of His rock-solid eternal promise "I will never leave you nor forsake you"), then it is enough - what you still have (albeit maybe in the age to come) is SO valuable as to render any comparison with what you have lost ('precious' though it is) impossible.   You can say with Jeremiah, "The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him."   Just Him, just God alone, is enough.

Smaller but still important things:

1. A little bit of criticism can go a long way to ruin a relationship.   There are times and places where rebuke is necessary.  But double check, triple check before airing it, to make sure it is God who is telling you to send the criticism, not your own egotistical heart.
2. Face to face conversation is usually better than phone or email.
3. "...speaking the truth in love..."  is an essential phrase to meditate upon and apply.  It is important to be absolutely honest, absolutely truthful....  and also to not share more than would be helpful and loving at the time, to the right people, etc.  Both are equally important.  If you end up being so honest that the girl is shocked and repulsed, so be it.  Better to be honest before marriage and have a big heartbreak than to be sugary and/or to hide the problem areas and experience a far bigger heartbreak later.
4. Never criticize anyone behind their back.  This is not necessarily a "romantic relationship" issue, it's a basic human relationship issue (Matthew 18).  If you have a problem with someone and God confirms that it is not just your overreaction but is truly sin in their life, then DON'T talk to anyone else about the problem, instead go talk to that person one-on-one.
5. It's a good idea to get to know the person's family really really well.
6. Don't worry.  About anything.  Including the outcome of the relationship situation.  Philippians 4:1-8.  This only applies to those who belong to Jesus Christ.  Unbelievers should worry.   But God is powerful enough to redeem any and all situations that His children find themselves in.
7. Pray.  Pray more.  Keep praying.  Pray harder.  Pray with fasting.  Pray without ceasing.  Pray until God answers.
8. Some girls want to be absolutely sure that you love them.  They so distrust your stated motives that they are willing to turn you down just to see if you keep pursuing, and if they sense the slightest hesitation, they will break off the romantic relationship.  If God so leads, keep pursuing the girl with everything you have.... you may end up winning her heart.  (But only if God so leads).  It may be that what she's really interested in is friendship (i.e. do you like spending time with her doing everyday stuff, just hanging out, etc), not romantic tokens (flowers, gifts, dates).   HOWEVER, the concept of 'different love languages' is very real, and not all girls will fit this model described above.  You may find out the hard way that everyone else's advice (and even sometimes her own explanation) about what that girl is looking for / what is her love language, is completely wrong.  In your situation, you might start from my advice and think 'all she wants is friendship', but in your particular case, she might want a gift from you, or an arm around the shoulders, or more romantic involvement, or more spiritual leadership, or whatever.  If God so leads, modify your approach and keep trying.  But don't do it if you don't have peace from God about it.
9. There is no way for a man to avoid risking getting his heart broken.   If he tries the "gradually deepen friendships with all girls until one friendship naturally goes deeper and deeper, then slide that one into romance" approach, he will risk letting his heart get enticed by affection for many women, not just the one he will eventually marry.  If he tries the "be friends, but not deep friends, with lots of girls, then after observing and becoming attracted to one in particular, abruptly move into an official 'lets consider marriage' dating relationship" approach, he takes the risk that the girl will not be attracted to him and will be scared away by his directness.   If he takes the "cautious, see if she's interested in me before I'll show interest in her" approach, the only girls he will attract will be the ones who have lowered their standards to a man who won't take the spiritual and romantic initiative, which is a roundabout way of saying, 'not the type of girl you want to have'.   Bottom line: if God wants to break a man's heart (or woman's heart), it's easy.  There's no way for the man to avoid it.  Yet, with all that said about God, it is still true (I think) that "He does not willingly afflict the sons of men..."  Lamenations 3 / Hebrews 12...  Every agony He allows is deliberate and loving (at least, for His own children...).
10. Not all romantic-heartbreak / lonely-singlehood is a direct result of sin, just as not all of Job's ills were a direct result of his sin and as the men on whom the tower of Siloam fell were not "worse sinners" than all the rest.  Likewise, not all of romantic blessing is a direct result of righteousness.  Some is of course the consequence of righteous or sinful decisions.  But some is due to circumstances, which are completely out of one's control (and completely in God's control).   God blesses and disciplines and gives and takes away by His own sovereign gracious will, not in a karmic fashion.
11. Extreme sorrow is normal, upon losing something extremely valuable such as a child or a spouse or a relationship heading toward marriage with a godly woman.  Sometimes when you experience such depths of sorrow and try to share it with Christian friends, the vast majority of people will tell you you're overreacting, you're being sinfully depressed, you're not rejoicing in God enough, you're being controlled by your feelings, etc.  The tendency upon receiving such feedback is to almost go insane with the feeling that one can no longer be open with anyone.  Fortunately, there are a few other human souls out there who have been through similar very deep waters and can offer knowledgable encouragement.  And God is a very compassionate listener.  "Jesus wept."
    As far as I can tell, extreme sorrow at earthly loss is NOT mutually exclusive of simultaneous rejoicing in the Lord (although, see 1 Corinthians 7:29ff, and below).   There will be those Christians who tell you that you ought to be happy all the time and that if you show grief you are sinning, but they simply do not understand.  They may never have experienced the same pain and brokenness you are experiencing, or they may have forgotten it, or they may have been taught that one ought to 'keep a stiff upper lip' and 'pretend all is fine all the time' on the surface in front of other people.   So we must forgive them when they give advice that only wounds further.  They do not know what they are doing.  The first example I had that earthly sorrow and hope in God can coexist was when talking with a godly older mentor whose son had just committed suicide.  Through his tears he said that he still believed in God, but he was hurting.   Over the years I began to notice that Paul talks about the same thing (2 Cor 1:8, 6:10, Romans 12:15), as does Jesus (Luke 6:21, John 12:27, Mark 14:33) and others (1 Peter 1:6).  Earthly rejoicing (i.e. being happy because of some earthly positive circumstance) and earthly sorrow (i.e. being sad because of some earthly loss or pain) are placed on exactly the same level (Romans 12:15, 1 Corinthians 7:29-31), that is, real, worthy of sympathy from others, yet on a deeper level not quite as real as what is coming next (the Eternal Life).  Sorrow as those who have hope in Christ.  Rejoice as those whose main joy is not here, but is in Christ.  Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but the gist of this point is that when people tell you you're too sad or too depressed, ignore them.  God's opinion of you is the only opinion that matters.  Keep right on focusing on heaven, sorrowing/rejoicing in earthly things in a secondary way, and rejoicing in Christ.
12. Avoidance of all sensual/sexual/physical contact is helpful and very worthwhile.  Unbelievers and other Christians (and possibly even the girl herself) will misunderstand, but the resultant freedom and the knowledge of God's pleasure are worth it.

(April 20, 2009, updated June 18, 2009)

It is interesting how one can tell the state of a couple's love by how they talk in public.  Do they show respect to each other?  Do they bring up their partner's strengths or weaknesses for conversation?

If the former, it is because the person is secure enough in himself/herself or in something else (e.g. Jesus Christ) that 'bedrocks' his/her life that he/she can 'afford' to lift up the spouse before others.  If the latter, it is because the person is insecure and is trying to feel better about himself/herself by making the spouse look bad.  Self-deprecating remarks are somewhere in-between, because they are sometimes just a reverse-psychology way to get people to give reassurances in reply.  But sometimes they are other-directed.

Recent examples:

1. A newlywed wife makes fun of the way her husband loves John Deere tractors and glances at the John Deere store every time they drive by.

2. A husband makes jokes about how his wife starts lots of projects but never finishes them.

3. A husband, during a meal with an older couple at a restaurant, sincerely and unsolicitedly praises his wife's home cooking.

4. A husband makes a decision about a family event.  Immediately the wife contradicts him, says why his plan won't work, and announces that the family will do something else instead.

Respectful, complimentary talk about one's spouse in front of him/her is often a clear window into the love present in private.  Likewise, talk behind one's back can also be an indicator...  but less 'accessible' than the public evidence (in the sense that one has 'public' data on all couples, but 'private' data on only a few friends)...

Recent examples:

1. A wife complains to friends that her husband doesn't spend much time with her.

2. A husband boasts to his friends about how frugal and shopping-smart his wife is, and how much he trusts her advice on financial matters.

Public compliments betoken a 'hothouse environment', a relationship soil that is either so rich with trust that the person is comfortable making the statement (e.g. "I can go way out on a limb and expose my feelings of appreciation for my spouse, knowing that my spouse won't tear me apart emotionally by making fun of my compliment when we're in private") OR a relationship with someone even MORE important than the spouse (e.g. Jesus Christ) that is so strong that "even if my spouse tears me apart emotionally in private, I don't care, I'll honor her in public anyway, because the solace and love that I get from Jesus is ENOUGH for me in every way".

Private compliments are a small step in the right direction...  A "I don't trust you enough yet to honor you in front of our friends, but I trust you enough to thank/honor you here and now"...

However (disclaimer #1), some friends have told me that my thoughts on this are only partial, in that some people give public compliments in a phony manner, simply to try to 'earn points' with the spouse.  That may be true.  I don't think I see it very often though.

Disclaimer #2 - I certainly think it is the case that some people don't very much appreciate words of affirmation, because they instinctively feel that such words are either dishonest, or misinformed.  I.e. the "Five Love Languages" book probably has some good points to make, even if there are more than five, and even if I've never read the book.  It is also probably the case, regarding the 'dishonest/misinformed/accurate' trilemma, that words from people who know one most deeply tend to be most appreciated, as well as words from people who dispense praise sparingly.  Supply and demand, I guess.

Disclaimer #3 - Lest marrieds reading this think that public praise is the magic bullet to intimacy, it is also interesting to watch spouses' reactions to public praise.  If the praise was accurate and given the appropriate energy and based on deep knowledge and directed by love, the person will be happy but will of course redirect the glory to Christ the source of goodness and to human teachers.  If the praise was inaccurate or phony or overdone or emphasizing a supposed strength that the spouse actually considers a weakness, the reaction will divulge this too.

By the way, the magic bullet to intimacy in marriage, to the extent that one exists, is caring more about the spouse's benefit than one's own... and caring more about Christ than either spouse or self.  "To the extent that one exists"... because one ultimately cannot make one's spouse love you.  But one can enjoy intimacy with Christ to the full...   and they say it's even better than marriage...  and from what little I know, I agree...

Regarding Charles Darwin's 200th birthday, www.CreationSafaris.com has some great analysis!   It's worth reading every day.

Also, regarding the following quote:

Why is knowing God and embracing His sovereignty so important when we're single? We have to keep in mind that we've received this gift of singleness from the pierced hand of the One who bore all of our sins - from unbelief as singles to selfishness as marrieds. We can be like Peter who initially rebuked Jesus for His humiliating, yet glorious, plan of redemption - or we can be like Mary, who came to accept His plan and purposes, and demonstrated it in the costly outpouring of perfume in anticipation of his burial. Confident of the Lord's good plan for our lives, we can emulate Mary and spend our treasures (youth, dreams, desires) to further His purposes on this earth.
More importantly, when we are almost faint under the strain and worry of wondering if singleness is to be forever, we need to be reminded that there is an end to singleness: One day we will be at the wedding feast of the Lamb and we will be His bride. Even if we receive the gift of marriage on this side of heaven, that's not our ultimate goal. It is a shadow and a type of what is planned for eternity and, like all things on this earth, it will have its conclusion in death. Our Father knows the time when earthly gifts will be distributed and when they will be no more; He knows, as well, when the heavenly wedding feast will commence. We can blissfully rest in the knowledge that the future is better than anything we think we've missed now: Jesus is preparing us for the eternal rewards and eternal joys of a future He's told us is too inexpressible for us to understand. For His purposes, and within His covenant to always do us good (Jeremiah 33:40), He has declared for us that being single now and into the foreseeable future is His very best. He desires that we overflow with hope as we trust in him (Romans 15:13) and his sovereignty in this season -- redefining hope from hoping in a particular gift from God to trusting the God of hope unreservedly.  (http://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/The-God-Who-Knows-the-End-of-Your-Singleness)

...the excellent point is made that singles have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of their loneliness and heartache, just as marrieds have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of the stresses of family relationships and needs... just as chronically-ill people have the UNIQUE opportunity to show to the world the desirability and value of God in the midst of their physical pain, just as.... every pain and every life-circumstance carries with it the special and unique opportunity to showcase God's glory and value...   YOU have a unique ability that no one else in the world has ever had or will ever had, in trusting wholeheartedly in God in the midst of your own unique life-situation...   in saying with David (Ps 39:7) "And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You."  ...and with Jeremiah (Lam 3:27) "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I have hope in Him."

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls. (1 Peter 1:3-9)

The squished-from-both-sides husband: boss at work saying "Why aren't you performing well?  Why aren't you putting in more time at work?  Your job is at risk unless you are willing to put in some overtime like everyone else", while wife at home saying "You aren't spending time with me!  You must not really love me!  Why don't you love me?"  Meanwhile the husband putting in the time at work in order to provide for his family because he loves them and wants to be a good provider, while getting excoriated for that very action by the one he loves... and in response to his wife's question "Do you really love me?  Do you really want to spend time with me?" he thinks "Actually, you're making it very difficult for me to enjoy spending time with you, when all I can expect is lecturing and nagging and constant 'do you love me' questioning.  Do I enjoy spending time with you right now? Honestly not.  But I can't tell you that, because you'll freak out.  Do I love you in the sense of wanting what is best for you and being fully committed to you whether you treat me nicely or not?  Yes.  I will remain faithful to you despite your nagging and pouting and the gentle friendship and temptation of many other beautiful women.  But do I enjoy coming home to your sermonizing?  No, honestly I do not."

Although I am not married, I am going through lots of 'training', perhaps, in the above scenarios and feelings, through current friends' situations.  May God use the training for good in my life and others' lives in the future.

If "a woman's heart should be so focused/absorbed/lost in God that a man should have to seek Him to find her" as they say, then, in my opinion, a man's heart should be so focused/absorbed/lost in God that he would not even notice the woman at all until God knocks him out cold and personally gives her to him.