Often the relationship with parents may be good and pleasant.  But sometimes it might be strained.  What does the Bible have to say about how to handle the difficult times?  Here are four things I've noticed.  (This is the second draft of this post... thanks mulletrooster and pkduet for your comments on the earlier version)
How does the Bible say you must treat your parents?
1. If you are a child, obey them.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1

Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Colossians 3:20

Absolute obedience is commanded by God for children to their parents.  But what constitutes a child?  At some point, each young man or young woman will reach a point in their self-awareness and spiritual development (if a Christian) when he or she considers himself or herself no longer a child, but a young adult.  At this point (typically early teen years), does the Bible still enjoin obedience?  Or rather, is each person to seek God's will and direction for his or her life (and sometimes that may go against parents' wishes and directions)?

Those who say that the word "children" in Eph. 6:1 and Col. 3:20 simply means offspring, regardless of age (e.g. David Curtis at http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/colossians/3_20.htm , thanks pkduet for the link), point to one of the typical meanings of the greek word ("teknon") meaning "children", with no absolute restriction on age in meaning "young children" - thus, referring to all sons and daughters regardless of age.  David Curtis writes: ""Who is considered a child? There are no indications here as to the age of the children who are to obey their parents. We would tend to think that this commandment is given to young children regarding their obligation to their parents, but this is not so. The Greek word used for "children" in Colossians 3:20 is not from teknia (little children), but from teknon, which means: "offspring." I am the teknon of my mother, even though I am 50 years old."

However, if we look again at the context of Ephesians 6:1 and Col. 3:20, there are specific directives addressed to specific groups of people.  Eph 5:22 "Wives..." 5:25 "Husbands..." 6:1 "Children...", 6:4 "Fathers...", 6:5 "Slaves...", and 6:9 "Masters...".  Colossians 3 is similar: Col. 3:18 "Wives..." 3:19 "Husbands..." 3:20 "Children...", 3:21 "Fathers...", 3:22 "Slaves...", and 4:1 "Masters...".

The fact that "children" are addressed in the middle of a section pinpointing specific directives to specific subgroups of people seems to indicate to me that the "children" were the younger children.  Otherwise it would have made more sense for Paul to write his "obey your parents" note in the other sections of the epistles which were generally addressed to all.

It's interesting that even David Curtis in his article above writes: "I think that a person comes out from under the command to obey their parents when they go out and establish their own home."  I'm not sure where he gets this from, given his belief that "teknon" refers to all sons and daughters regardless of age.  But on the alternative understanding that the meaning of the word 'teknon' in these passages is referring to 'young children (which tentatively makes sense to me), his conclusions make sense.

Just as a soldier must obey orders without questioning 'why', there is a time in everyone's life when unquestioning "obedience" (greek "listen-under" hyp-akouo) is required.  But as children grow older, they must transition into making their own decisions, though listening respectfully to the guidance of parents and other counselors.  As David Curtis points out, the same disciple (Peter) who said "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right" (1 Pet 2:13-14), also said "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God" (Acts 4:19) in a situation where the "authorities" were commanding them to disobey Jesus Christ.

In summary of this point, it seems that young children are to obey their parents without questioning, and adults are to honor/listen/consider their parents' directives and follow them if and only if they are in accordance with God's revealed will.  There will of course be some kind of transition period between child and adult.

 
2. Honor them.

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. Exodus 20:12

'Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you. Deuteronomy 5:16

Matthew 15:4
"For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'

"Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." Eph 6:2-3

The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother,
The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it.  Proverbs 30:17

Honoring and showing respect to your father and mother is not optional.  It is commanded by God.  You MUST honor them, even when you don't feel like it.  Even when they are being unreasonable, or emotionally tormenting you, or pitifully screwing up their own lives.   Even when you feel like screaming at them, or stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind you, or giving them the palm and saying 'talk to the hand', or other such expressions of attempting to cut off their irritating presence, don't do it... instead, show them respect.  Not because you feel like it, but because Jesus has bought you and you are no longer your own, so you have not other option but to obey His command to honor your parents.   Even if your parents are not saved and are heaping scorn on you and Jesus Christ, you can still honor them and respect them.  Even if you are sometimes (as an adult) compelled to disobey/disregard their directions, you can still do it in a respectful way.

Part of showing respect is listening to them, even though you might not agree with them.  E.g.
Hear, my son, your father's instruction, And do not forsake your mother's teaching;  Proverbs 1:8
Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,
And give attention that you may gain understanding,  Proverbs 4:1
You can (learn to) listen, even when you think you know exactly what they're going to say, and why you disagree.  This applies not just to parents, but to lots of other situations in life.  The irate neighbor, the wacky coworker, the misinformed boss, etc etc.  First listen, then either speak (if it's the appropriate time Eccl 3:7), or keep quiet/change the subject (e.g. Jesus said "do not throw your pearls before swine" Matt. 7:6 and "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" John 16:12)

But regarding parents, they have many years of life-experience, and their advice and direction is worth listening to.   Even when after listening you still disagree or think they don't understand, you might be able to apply their advice to help some other person some day.  And it may well happen that after listening to them, you learn some things and decide that their recommended course of action is indeed the wisest.

 
3. Love them.

"...you shall love your neighbor as yourself..."  Leviticus 19:18

"You have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." Matthew 5:43-44

"This I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17

The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1 John 4:8-11

Greek has four words for love: eros (marital/romantic love), storge (familial affection), phileo (brotherly love, feelings of affection and friendship), and agape (volitional deliberate sacrificial mindset of seeking the other person's best interests rather than one's own).  The word used in most of the love commandments is agape, and this is also the word used of God's love for us (who believe in Jesus).

Since agape-love is something which we can do even toward our enemies, it is not simply a feeling, but rather a choice.   A choice to seek the other person's best interests, even when we don't feel like doing so.  Even when the other person is hurting us.

More information on agape love is found in 1 Corinthians 13.  For example, agape-love "is not easily angered", "is not rude", "is not arrogant," etc.  This chapter expands on what it means to seek the other person's best interest.

Practical agape-love for parents includes taking care of them when they get old.  For example -
1 Tim. 5:3-4
3Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God.

and

Matthew 15:3-6
And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition?  For God said, 'honor your father and mother,' and, 'he who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'  "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God", he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition."

Parents generally seek their children's best interests.  But even if you feel like your parents are your enemies for some reason, and they seem to be tormenting you with their policies or unsolicited advice, you must still apply Jesus' command to "agape-love your enemies."   Seek what is best for them, even when you don't feel like it.  Because that's what Jesus did for you.

 

 

4. Forgive them.

"For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.  Matthew 6:14-15

Matt. 18
21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
23"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
24"When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
25"But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made.
26"So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.'
27"And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.
28"But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.'
29"So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.'
30"But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed.
31"So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.
32"Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
33'Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?'
34"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
35"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, i will repay," says the Lord. "but if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  Romans 12:19-20

"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25

Your parents will undoubtedly hurt you many times (and you will undoubtedly hurt them also).  They will fail you, give you bad advice, treat you with selfishness sometimes, and misunderstand you.  Some parents will even deliberately abuse you.

However, Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, including our parents.  This is not optional, and it doesn't depend on our feelings.  It is a deliberate choice (1) to say "God, I'll let you take care of 'getting even' with my parents... I will not take that task into my own hands" and (2) to let go of feelings of bitterness and grudge and anger against that person.
Examples:
Luke 14
25Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them,
26"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
...
33"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

Here using the Hebrew "love/hate" terminology for "prioritizing" and choosing (cf. Jacob and Esau, Romans 9 and Malachi 1), Jesus says that He must come before father or mother... that is, if Jesus commands one thing and father/mother command something different, we must follow Jesus.
Here is a powerful example of all this, in Jesus' own life.  His own mother did not agree with his ministry approach, and so she traveled to him, not only to rebuke him, but to take him into custody as a lunatic.  Jesus displayed all the principles above - he treated her with respect despite disagreeing with her, he showed agape love to her in taking care of her needs (cf. his request to John to take care of her after he died), and yet He did not acquiesce to her contrary-to-God guidance to the slightest degree:

Mark 3
 21When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, "He has lost His senses."
...
31Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him.
32A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, "Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You."
33Answering them, He said, "Who are My mother and My brothers?"
34Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers!
35"For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother."

As a former youth worker (and a former youth myself , I've had my share of 'dealing with parents' issues.   How do you respond when your parents are really difficult to live with?  Does the Bible have anything to say about this issue?

I've discovered that it does.  Here are four things I've noticed.  (This is an outline of a talk to youth, but I think it's also applicable to older folks).   (BTW, the Bible also says a lot about how to deal with children, but that's a subject for another time..)

How does the Bible say you must treat your parents?

1. If you are a child, obey them.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1

Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Colossians 3:20

Absolute obedience is commanded by God for children to their parents.  But what constitutes a child?  At some point, each young man or young woman will reach a point in their self-awareness and spiritual development (if a Christian) when he or she considers himself or herself no longer a child, but a young adult.  At this point (typically early teen years), the Bible no longer enjoins obedience.  Rather, each person is to seek God's will and direction for his or her life, and sometimes that may well go against parents' wishes and directions.  But the other principles below still apply.
2. Honor them.

"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. Exodus 20:12

'Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you. Deuteronomy 5:16

Matthew 15:4
"For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'

"Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." Eph 6:2-3

The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother,
The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it.  Proverbs 30:17

Honoring and showing respect to your father and mother is not optional.  It is commanded by God.  You MUST honor them, even when you don't feel like it.  Even when they are being unreasonable, or emotionally tormenting you, or pitifully screwing up their own lives.   Even when you feel like screaming at them, or stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind you, or giving them the palm and saying 'talk to the hand', or other such expressions of attempting to cut off their irritating presence, don't do it... instead, show them respect to the extent you can.  Not because you feel like it, but because Jesus has bought you and you are no longer your own, so you have not other option but to obey His command to honor your parents.   Even if your parents are not saved and are heaping scorn on you and Jesus Christ, you can still honor them and respect them.  Even if you are sometimes (as an adult) compelled to disobey/disregard their directions, you can still do it in a respectful way.

Part of showing respect is listening to them, even though you might not agree with them at all.  E.g.
Hear, my son, your father's instruction, And do not forsake your mother's teaching;  Proverbs 1:8
Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,
And give attention that you may gain understanding,  Proverbs 4:1
You can (learn to) listen, even when you know exactly what they're going to say, and why you think it's nonsense.  This applies not just to parents, but to lots of other situations in life.  The irate neighbor, the wacky coworker, the misinformed boss, etc etc.  First listen, then either speak (if it's the appropriate time Eccl 3:7), or keep quiet/change the subject (e.g. Jesus said "do not throw your pearls before swine" Matt. 7:6 and "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" John 16:12)

 
3. Love them.

"...you shall love your neighbor as yourself..."  Leviticus 19:18

"You have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." Matthew 5:43-44

"This I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17

The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1 John 4:8-11

Greek has four words for love: eros (marital/romantic love), storge (familial affection), phileo (brotherly love, feelings of affection and friendship), and agape (volitional deliberate sacrificial mindset of seeking the other person's best interests rather than one's own).  The word used in most of the love commandments is agape, and this is also the word used of God's love for us (who believe in Jesus).

Since agape-love is something which we can do even toward our enemies, it is not simply a feeling, but rather a choice.   A choice to seek the other person's best interests, even when we don't feel like doing so.  Even when the other person is hurting us.

Practical agape-love for parents includes taking care of them when they get old.  For example -
1 Tim. 5:3-4
3Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God.

and

Matthew 15:3-6
And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition?  For God said, 'honor your father and mother,' and, 'he who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'  "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God", he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition."

Even if you feel like your parents are your enemies, and they are tormenting you with their policies or berating you with their unsolicited advice, you must still apply Jesus' command to "agape-love your enemies."   Seek what is best for them, even when you don't feel like it.  Because that's what Jesus did for you.

 

 

4. Forgive them.

"For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.  Matthew 6:14-15

Matt. 18
21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
23"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
24"When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
25"But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made.
26"So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.'
27"And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.
28"But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.'
29"So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.'
30"But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed.
31"So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.
32"Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
33'Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?'
34"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
35"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, i will repay," says the Lord. "but if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  Romans 12:19-20

"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25

Your parents will undoubtedly hurt you many times.  They will fail you, give you bad advice, treat you with selfishness, and misunderstand you.  Some parents will even deliberately abuse you.

However, Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, including our parents.  This is not optional, and it doesn't depend on our feelings.  It is a deliberate choice (1) to say "God, I'll let you take care of 'getting even' with my parents... I will not take that task into my own hands" and (2) to let go of feelings of bitterness and grudge and hard anger against that person.
Examples:
Luke 14
25Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them,
26"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
...
33"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

Here using the Hebrew "love/hate" terminology for "prioritizing" and choosing (cf. Jacob and Esau, Romans 9 and Malachi 1), Jesus says that He must come before father or mother... that is, if Jesus commands one thing and father/mother command something different, we must follow Jesus.
Here is a powerful example of all this, in Jesus' own life.  His own mother did not agree with his ministry approach, and so she traveled to him, not only to rebuke him, but to take him into custody as a lunatic.  Jesus displayed all the principles above - he treated her with respect despite disagreeing with her, he showed agape love to her in taking care of her needs (cf. his request to John to take care of her after he died), and yet He did not acquiesce to her contrary-to-God guidance to the slightest degree:

Mark 3
21When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, "He has lost His senses."
...
31Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him.
32A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, "Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You."
33Answering them, He said, "Who are My mother and My brothers?"
34Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers!
35"For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother."

 

1 Corinthians 7 is a beautiful part of the Bible....    Consider this section from the middle of it:

^"But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife."

How much heartache would be spared to couples and their children in this world if they only followed God's instructions...

What a phrase of powerful hope here:   "....reconciled to her husband...."

We tend to pass over that phrase - "yeah, well, maybe that happens rarely, but not usually...  usually one of them gets remarried, and very little 'reconciliation' happens the rest of their lives..."

But God gives only two options - remain unmarried, or be reconciled.   Those of us in His Church need to help our brothers and sisters to remember this...    that reconciliation is not only possible, but it is to be expected!  Let's pray to that end.... and in fact, not only for the couples we know, but for that "50%" of American couples who have experienced divorce and continue to do so... hundreds every day, thousands every year....   God may well bring about not only a handful of reconciliations here and there, but REVIVAL across America, of which perhaps one of its corollaries will be marital reconciliations between millions of people....

...and of course, the main and far more important reconciliation that needs to happen is between so many of these people and their God.   The eternal reconciliation....

Dear God, please bring revival here.....   Please bring me closer to You too....

 

"Life is short.   Love her well."

If one believed that one's life with one's wife was only going to be a couple decades, say 50 years, and then that was it... no more marriage to her or anyone else, ever again, for all of eternity....    only one "short" chance to display the example/model/emulation/showcase of Christ's love for His Church, to a cynical world....

If one further believed that one's life with one's wife was going to be VERY VERY short because in view of the path their lives were taking, they would soon be placed in situations where she was going to be taken away from him...  either in sickness/death, or by prison walls, or by kidnapping and being sold as a slave/concubine, never to be heard from again....  and that the same bereavement would soon happen to one's children...   Granted that one had the courage to actually marry if those beliefs were held....

What would that husband's love look like?

But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away.
-- 1 Corinthians 7:29-31

I've been thinking about parenting some recently, having seen many good and bad examples, and having experienced God's parenting in my own life.  I have learned/realized some things recently, although it's a bit hard still to pin it down and put it into words.  I'll try to note a few things below.  Sorry it's so rambling.  Maybe these thoughts will coalesce into a more succinct form in the future.

1. First, consider these verses, from our friends Job and Paul  (consider also the story of Jonah, and the plant that God 'gave' and then 'took away')...

 He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."     (Job 1:21)

Notice this about God - that He gives and He takes away.  He doesn't only give (like 'Santa Claus'), and He doesn't only take away (like we are sometimes tempted to believe, when grieving a great loss).  He does both.   Why?  Is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?

How is it possible to trust Someone who gives good gifts one moment, then painful heartaches the next moment?  How can one repose one's heart in Him, release one's future to Him, if you never know what painful thing He's going to throw at you next?  When the dentist says "this might hurt a bit, but just close your eyes and try to relax", how do you respond internally?  Is this what God tells us to do (Proverbs 3:5-6), or is the analogy incorrect?

The second passage:

"Men, why are you doing these things? We are also men of the same nature as you, and preach the gospel to you that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who 'made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them.' In the generations gone by He permitted all the nations to go their own ways; and yet He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness."  (Acts 14:15-17)

What is it about receiving things like food and rain for one's crops that points one to God?  What is Paul saying here?

2. I think it's C.S. Lewis who talks about why God does this ---  God "gives AND takes away" in order to awaken in people the desire for Him..... the Object of desire which is the only truly satisfying one (see also this interesting related article on 'sehnsucht', a German word approximately meaning "longing"/"desire").  More on this below.

3. The concept of parenting seems to be related to this.  Parenting seems to be two main things: living an example to one's kids, and teaching/training specific principles to one's kids.  Training seems to be accomplished using rewards and punishments... rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behavior.  The idea is that if you train children consistently using rewards and punishments, they will build character habits... at first they won't understand the rationale (they'll just know 'when I beat up my brother, I get spanked, which hurts, so I'd better not beat up my brother any more'), but as they mature, they'll understand the rationale ('it is better for many reasons to live in an amicable relationship with my brother').   Once the kids get to the teen age, spanking doesn't hold much terror for them any more, and once they hit their late teens and older, all punishments lose effect... so the training has to take place early.... but if it works, the kids won't need the rewards/punishments any more... they will WANT to act in these mature ways (for better/higher motivations)...

Anyway, the parent must both give, and take away.   Sometimes I see a parent trying to only take away, without giving... e.g. taking away their privileges, yelling at them (usually the ones who yell are the same ones who don't spank), threatening them, grounding them, etc.  Sometimes I see a parent trying to only give, without taking away...  e.g. sacrificially providing opportunities (educational, social, financial, etc) without being willing to take away those privileges if the kid is behaving badly... parents giving money to a kid who is married, jobless, homeless, etc and enabling his continued unruly lifestyle, etc.

But it is beautiful to see a parent both giving and taking away, toward the goal of seeing his/her child become an upright and mature adult.   The parent gives gifts of toys, social opportunities, educational opportunities, field trips, delicious foods, money, etc, constantly pondering what new gifts he/she might be able to give.... while being ready to take away, withold, punish, spank, scold, etc whenever the child needs it.  In engineering terms the parent is keeping open a wide dynamic range of parental reference signal to the child.

4.  As I currently understand it, this process looks different depending on whether the person is being drawn by God or not (or whether the person is seeking God or not through God's Spirit working in their heart, or whether the person is one of God's elect 'sheep' or not... different ways of saying the same thing).

If the person is being drawn by God, when God gives a good gift to them, he/she respond in delight and thanksgiving --- 'wow, thanks God!! I never knew life could be this good... my perspective on the upper end of the realm of possibility has just been expanded... if being-with-You-in-heaven is better than THIS, then it must be far better than thought previously...'  Then when God takes away that good thing, or brings some hardship into his/her life, they respond like Job - 'ok God, for some reason in your better/wiser plan You have taken this away for some good purpose... thank You that what I possess in having/knowing/being-connected-with You Yourself is far better than anything I have lost or could ever possibly lose here on earth... thank You for the reminder, in this loss, that my true Treasure is not this thing, but You... ' (Lamentations 3:24, 1 Cor 7:29-31, John 17:1-5, etc)

But the non-elect person responds differently... when God sends the good gift, it only dulls the spiritual sensibilities and cases the person to be more entrenched against God, if He comes to mind at all ("ok God, here's one thing I'm never going to let you take away from me"), and when God sends the pain or takes away the gift, it only causes rage and bitterness against God.  Again C.S.Lewis' story is powerful -- of the dwarves in "The Last Battle" who, although seated in a beautiful meadow and presented with a delicious banquet, are unable to see/enjoy it for what it is and end up less satisfied than before.   Cf. Revelation 9:20-21, 16:9,11...

5.  www.beerisproof.org says these things more coherently than I.   From their website: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Quoting Lewis again: "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

6. Someone, probably Lewis again, has compared the "far-better"-ness of life-with-God to the scenario of trying to explain the pleasures of sex to a little child.  "Is it better than eating chocolate or playing with Legos?" the child asks incredulously.  How could something possibly be better than Legos? or chocolate??

Or consider a boy playing on his Xbox.  He is so engrossed by the game that he barely hears his mom say that she and his dad and the rest of his family are now waiting in the car to begin their family vacation at the beach.   "That's nice," he mumbles, eyes fixed on the screen.  His mom suddenly reaches over and abruptly switches off the power.  At first the boy is upset.  But as soon as he reaches the beach, he begins to become secretly grateful that he was forced to leave his game.   Why?

There are categories of joy that apparently we cannot even begin to grasp... and the same applies to what God is doing in His parenting of us...   He gives us delightful gifts, to shock us into realizing that there is a far greater joy awaiting us than we had imagined existed.  He then takes takes away those gifts and pours heartache into our lives, to shock us into remembering that this world is not our home and we ought not to pretend like it is.  He then repeats the cycle.

Blessing and heartache, blessing and heartache, "happiness and tears", bigger and bigger every month, wrenching our hearts out of joint, overflowing us with blessing beyond our capacity even to say 'thank you', grinding us under pains so great we can't even begin to explain them to our friends, every year upping the amplitude of life's circumstances and timing the phase just right to shatter our complacent little lives...       WHY?        As I asked above, "is God an "indian-giver"?   Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?"     Or, does He have an awesome purpose... is He parenting us with deliberate care to grow in us huge anticipation/delight/longing...     for the only 'thing' that can ultimately satisfy us... that is, Himself........

 

 However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him."     I Corinthians 2:9

 

 

This is an interesting quote:  (a courtship letter to a father, taken from this powerful sermon)

"I have now to ask, whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can consent to her departure, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean, to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death. Can you consent to all this, for the sake of him who left His heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal souls; for the sake of Zion, and the glory of God? Can you consent to all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with the crown of righteous, brightened with the acclamations of praise which shall redound to her Savior from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?"

How rare, it seems, are women (and men) like this... who are completely surrendered to God and willing to give up everything to follow Christ...  who are ready to die, to lose their money, their health, their safety, their friends, their reputation, their fun-filled-life, their children, etc etc, for Christ's sake.

"Look," says the Teacher, "this is what I have discovered:
"Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things-
"While I was still searching but not finding-
I found one upright man among a thousand,
but not one upright woman among them all.
"This only have I found:
God made mankind upright, but men have gone in search of many schemes."
-- Solomon, Ecclesiastes 7:27-29

"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions."
-- Jesus Christ, Luke 14:33

 

Challenging to me...

God, please help me to "give up all my own possessions" and put You absolutely first in my life...

 

 

I saw this article today on CNN.com-- "How to save your marriage" .  Seems like everyone's getting into that endeavor these days (trying to help failing marriages), and for good reason, seeing all the divorces.  The article had some common-sense stuff.  But they missed the most powerful stuff, because they are secular and because part of the quote I'm about to post is extremely politically incorrect.

Ephesians 4:22-33

 ^22"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  ²³For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body.  ²⁴But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.

 ^25"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,  ²⁶so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,  ²⁷that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.  ²⁸So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;  ²⁹for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church,  ³⁰because we are members of His body.  31For this reason "a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  ³²This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

 ^33"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband."

 

It is difficult to explain how extremely attractive a quality submission is in a wife... the desirous/nurturing feelings it evokes in the husband, etc... and how the opposite is also true- insubordination powerfully quenches loving feelings...    I expect that the same is true for the other side, that a loving husband evokes happy contentment and submission in a wife and that an unloving husband encourages rebellion in the wife.

God, as the creator of men and women, certainly writes a good user manual.

Really Big Things:

1. No matter how many counselors are urging you to do something, no matter how strongly they are urging you, no matter how unusual the combination of viewpoints converging to offer the same advice, no matter how trusted the counselors are, if you do not feel inner peace from God about going ahead with the choice (especially a choice like marriage), do not proceed.  Keep waiting and praying until you have peace from God about going forward.  You will save yourself a lot of heartache.   I know everybody talks about the other side: if you think you have God's blessing but all your counselors are urging caution, then don't proceed.  I don't know about that.  Counsel can be helpful.  But the leading of God's Spirit, in a heart walking closely with Him, is more important than any human counselor and is worth following even when all human counsel contradicts.
2. Don't hold on tightly to anything in life except God.  Hold everything except Him loosely.  If you don't, you will sooner or later be devastated when it dies or withers or breaks or is stolen away from you.  Fortunately I was privileged to learn this in the positive sense - if you are holding on to God more tightly than everything else, you will never be completely devastated.  You may sorrow, but never "as those who have no hope".  You may weep, but only "as if you were not weeping".
3. God is "worth" giving up everything else for.  Put another way, if you lose everything precious in life other than God, everything other than God that makes life fun and enjoyable and beautiful, or if not even everything, if you lose that one person here on earth who is your "sunshine", that one who is more important to you than any other human, such that you are left empty, devastated, reeling, depressed, etc, but you come to realize that you still 'have' God (in that you are an adopted child of God through faith in Jesus Christ and are thus a recipient of His rock-solid eternal promise "I will never leave you nor forsake you"), then it is enough - what you still have (albeit maybe in the age to come) is SO valuable as to render any comparison with what you have lost ('precious' though it is) impossible.   You can say with Jeremiah, "The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him."   Just Him, just God alone, is enough.

Smaller but still important things:

1. A little bit of criticism can go a long way to ruin a relationship.   There are times and places where rebuke is necessary.  But double check, triple check before airing it, to make sure it is God who is telling you to send the criticism, not your own egotistical heart.
2. Face to face conversation is usually better than phone or email.
3. "...speaking the truth in love..."  is an essential phrase to meditate upon and apply.  It is important to be absolutely honest, absolutely truthful....  and also to not share more than would be helpful and loving at the time, to the right people, etc.  Both are equally important.  If you end up being so honest that the girl is shocked and repulsed, so be it.  Better to be honest before marriage and have a big heartbreak than to be sugary and/or to hide the problem areas and experience a far bigger heartbreak later.
4. Never criticize anyone behind their back.  This is not necessarily a "romantic relationship" issue, it's a basic human relationship issue (Matthew 18).  If you have a problem with someone and God confirms that it is not just your overreaction but is truly sin in their life, then DON'T talk to anyone else about the problem, instead go talk to that person one-on-one.
5. It's a good idea to get to know the person's family really really well.
6. Don't worry.  About anything.  Including the outcome of the relationship situation.  Philippians 4:1-8.  This only applies to those who belong to Jesus Christ.  Unbelievers should worry.   But God is powerful enough to redeem any and all situations that His children find themselves in.
7. Pray.  Pray more.  Keep praying.  Pray harder.  Pray with fasting.  Pray without ceasing.  Pray until God answers.
8. Some girls want to be absolutely sure that you love them.  They so distrust your stated motives that they are willing to turn you down just to see if you keep pursuing, and if they sense the slightest hesitation, they will break off the romantic relationship.  If God so leads, keep pursuing the girl with everything you have.... you may end up winning her heart.  (But only if God so leads).  It may be that what she's really interested in is friendship (i.e. do you like spending time with her doing everyday stuff, just hanging out, etc), not romantic tokens (flowers, gifts, dates).   HOWEVER, the concept of 'different love languages' is very real, and not all girls will fit this model described above.  You may find out the hard way that everyone else's advice (and even sometimes her own explanation) about what that girl is looking for / what is her love language, is completely wrong.  In your situation, you might start from my advice and think 'all she wants is friendship', but in your particular case, she might want a gift from you, or an arm around the shoulders, or more romantic involvement, or more spiritual leadership, or whatever.  If God so leads, modify your approach and keep trying.  But don't do it if you don't have peace from God about it.
9. There is no way for a man to avoid risking getting his heart broken.   If he tries the "gradually deepen friendships with all girls until one friendship naturally goes deeper and deeper, then slide that one into romance" approach, he will risk letting his heart get enticed by affection for many women, not just the one he will eventually marry.  If he tries the "be friends, but not deep friends, with lots of girls, then after observing and becoming attracted to one in particular, abruptly move into an official 'lets consider marriage' dating relationship" approach, he takes the risk that the girl will not be attracted to him and will be scared away by his directness.   If he takes the "cautious, see if she's interested in me before I'll show interest in her" approach, the only girls he will attract will be the ones who have lowered their standards to a man who won't take the spiritual and romantic initiative, which is a roundabout way of saying, 'not the type of girl you want to have'.   Bottom line: if God wants to break a man's heart (or woman's heart), it's easy.  There's no way for the man to avoid it.  Yet, with all that said about God, it is still true (I think) that "He does not willingly afflict the sons of men..."  Lamenations 3 / Hebrews 12...  Every agony He allows is deliberate and loving (at least, for His own children...).
10. Not all romantic-heartbreak / lonely-singlehood is a direct result of sin, just as not all of Job's ills were a direct result of his sin and as the men on whom the tower of Siloam fell were not "worse sinners" than all the rest.  Likewise, not all of romantic blessing is a direct result of righteousness.  Some is of course the consequence of righteous or sinful decisions.  But some is due to circumstances, which are completely out of one's control (and completely in God's control).   God blesses and disciplines and gives and takes away by His own sovereign gracious will, not in a karmic fashion.
11. Extreme sorrow is normal, upon losing something extremely valuable such as a child or a spouse or a relationship heading toward marriage with a godly woman.  Sometimes when you experience such depths of sorrow and try to share it with Christian friends, the vast majority of people will tell you you're overreacting, you're being sinfully depressed, you're not rejoicing in God enough, you're being controlled by your feelings, etc.  The tendency upon receiving such feedback is to almost go insane with the feeling that one can no longer be open with anyone.  Fortunately, there are a few other human souls out there who have been through similar very deep waters and can offer knowledgable encouragement.  And God is a very compassionate listener.  "Jesus wept."
    As far as I can tell, extreme sorrow at earthly loss is NOT mutually exclusive of simultaneous rejoicing in the Lord (although, see 1 Corinthians 7:29ff, and below).   There will be those Christians who tell you that you ought to be happy all the time and that if you show grief you are sinning, but they simply do not understand.  They may never have experienced the same pain and brokenness you are experiencing, or they may have forgotten it, or they may have been taught that one ought to 'keep a stiff upper lip' and 'pretend all is fine all the time' on the surface in front of other people.   So we must forgive them when they give advice that only wounds further.  They do not know what they are doing.  The first example I had that earthly sorrow and hope in God can coexist was when talking with a godly older mentor whose son had just committed suicide.  Through his tears he said that he still believed in God, but he was hurting.   Over the years I began to notice that Paul talks about the same thing (2 Cor 1:8, 6:10, Romans 12:15), as does Jesus (Luke 6:21, John 12:27, Mark 14:33) and others (1 Peter 1:6).  Earthly rejoicing (i.e. being happy because of some earthly positive circumstance) and earthly sorrow (i.e. being sad because of some earthly loss or pain) are placed on exactly the same level (Romans 12:15, 1 Corinthians 7:29-31), that is, real, worthy of sympathy from others, yet on a deeper level not quite as real as what is coming next (the Eternal Life).  Sorrow as those who have hope in Christ.  Rejoice as those whose main joy is not here, but is in Christ.  Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but the gist of this point is that when people tell you you're too sad or too depressed, ignore them.  God's opinion of you is the only opinion that matters.  Keep right on focusing on heaven, sorrowing/rejoicing in earthly things in a secondary way, and rejoicing in Christ.
12. Avoidance of all sensual/sexual/physical contact is helpful and very worthwhile.  Unbelievers and other Christians (and possibly even the girl herself) will misunderstand, but the resultant freedom and the knowledge of God's pleasure are worth it.

 

(April 20, 2009, updated June 18, 2009)

It is interesting how one can tell the state of a couple's love by how they talk in public.  Do they show respect to each other?  Do they bring up their partner's strengths or weaknesses for conversation?

If the former, it is because the person is secure enough in himself/herself or in something else (e.g. Jesus Christ) that 'bedrocks' his/her life that he/she can 'afford' to lift up the spouse before others.  If the latter, it is because the person is insecure and is trying to feel better about himself/herself by making the spouse look bad.  Self-deprecating remarks are somewhere in-between, because they are sometimes just a reverse-psychology way to get people to give reassurances in reply.  But sometimes they are other-directed.

Recent examples:

1. A newlywed wife makes fun of the way her husband loves John Deere tractors and glances at the John Deere store every time they drive by.

2. A husband makes jokes about how his wife starts lots of projects but never finishes them.

3. A husband, during a meal with an older couple at a restaurant, sincerely and unsolicitedly praises his wife's home cooking.

4. A husband makes a decision about a family event.  Immediately the wife contradicts him, says why his plan won't work, and announces that the family will do something else instead.

Respectful, complimentary talk about one's spouse in front of him/her is often a clear window into the love present in private.  Likewise, talk behind one's back can also be an indicator...  but less 'accessible' than the public evidence (in the sense that one has 'public' data on all couples, but 'private' data on only a few friends)...

Recent examples:

1. A wife complains to friends that her husband doesn't spend much time with her.

2. A husband boasts to his friends about how frugal and shopping-smart his wife is, and how much he trusts her advice on financial matters.

Public compliments betoken a 'hothouse environment', a relationship soil that is either so rich with trust that the person is comfortable making the statement (e.g. "I can go way out on a limb and expose my feelings of appreciation for my spouse, knowing that my spouse won't tear me apart emotionally by making fun of my compliment when we're in private") OR a relationship with someone even MORE important than the spouse (e.g. Jesus Christ) that is so strong that "even if my spouse tears me apart emotionally in private, I don't care, I'll honor her in public anyway, because the solace and love that I get from Jesus is ENOUGH for me in every way".

Private compliments are a small step in the right direction...  A "I don't trust you enough yet to honor you in front of our friends, but I trust you enough to thank/honor you here and now"...

However (disclaimer #1), some friends have told me that my thoughts on this are only partial, in that some people give public compliments in a phony manner, simply to try to 'earn points' with the spouse.  That may be true.  I don't think I see it very often though.

Disclaimer #2 - I certainly think it is the case that some people don't very much appreciate words of affirmation, because they instinctively feel that such words are either dishonest, or misinformed.  I.e. the "Five Love Languages" book probably has some good points to make, even if there are more than five, and even if I've never read the book.  It is also probably the case, regarding the 'dishonest/misinformed/accurate' trilemma, that words from people who know one most deeply tend to be most appreciated, as well as words from people who dispense praise sparingly.  Supply and demand, I guess.

Disclaimer #3 - Lest marrieds reading this think that public praise is the magic bullet to intimacy, it is also interesting to watch spouses' reactions to public praise.  If the praise was accurate and given the appropriate energy and based on deep knowledge and directed by love, the person will be happy but will of course redirect the glory to Christ the source of goodness and to human teachers.  If the praise was inaccurate or phony or overdone or emphasizing a supposed strength that the spouse actually considers a weakness, the reaction will divulge this too.

By the way, the magic bullet to intimacy in marriage, to the extent that one exists, is caring more about the spouse's benefit than one's own... and caring more about Christ than either spouse or self.  "To the extent that one exists"... because one ultimately cannot make one's spouse love you.  But one can enjoy intimacy with Christ to the full...   and they say it's even better than marriage...  and from what little I know, I agree...