June 4, 2008
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Is it appropriate to compliment someone on their appearance?
What do you all think about the common practice of giving people compliments on their appearance? ...whether their clothing style, their haircut, a particular tie or shirt or dress, or things that are genetic like one's smile or eye color...
What good do remarks of this sort do? I desire to be convinced that they are good, but I am not convinced yet.
I can easily see the appropriateness of such remarks between a husband and wife, as they serve to connect the two in "I like everything about you" sentiment. ... but for unmarried friends, how is it profitable?
Also, while I'm in the xanga-rant-ing mode, my friend Andre recently asked the question of why Christians would ever go swimming in mixed (male-female) company with bathing suits not covered by t-shirts and shorts - i.e., why Christians would put swimming comfort on a higher plane than modesty and helping their brothers/sisters not stumble. I think it's a really good question. "Because everyone else does it" is not an acceptable answer. I think I will try to move in this direction myself... if you see me swimming in mixed company without a shirt, call me out about it.
Comments (6)
I think such comments are good because they can be self-esteem boosters. Besides, it's helpful to let people know what works or doesn't. I'll call people "beautiful" or "good-looking," or I'll say "Hey, you look really nice today" just so that they know that I'm interested.
I guess it depends on whether you consider such outfits tempting or immoral. I used to be much more enraptured by women's bodies than I am now. This isn't to say that I don't find aesthetic appeal in someone's body, but I tend to be more interested (if I'm looking for physical traits at all) in the face. I mean, I'm comfortable enough in who I am as a person - sexually and otherwise - to not be overcome when faced with an attractive person in a revealing or "tempting" outfit. I guess my question would be: what is inherently wrong with such outfits?
As to the request to your praying friends . . . well, I don't pray. But it never hurts to have a positive thought or two backing you, so you have my support with whatever it is you're up to. Good luck.
Tim,
You've unlocked a very interesting can of worms!
Perhaps such compliments fall under the category of encouragement? For example, if a girl spends quite a while getting dolled up for church in a modest yet comely outfit, I think that it would be prudent to let her know that she's accomplished her goal. Granted, the compliment "you look very modest" may not be one that girls hear often, but I think they'd appreciate it if that's the case.
Furthermore, concerning compliments about one's natural, genetic traits, isn't it true that these things are God's handiwork? You might say that wordlessly admiring them is one thing, and doing so aloud is another, but I'd say that complimenting the person and giving God the glory in the same sentence may give them a greater appreciation for the gifts God has given them concerning their body.
Obviously the nature of man is such that compliments may swell one's ego, but I think they also encourage, and allow us to "spur one another on in love and good deeds."
Hmmm....I've had the same thoughts about the bathing suits before, but I haven't thought much about the compliments. Like you, I want to think that they are good...encouraging or something. But, if I stop to think, they are not necessarily encouraging in good ways...do they encourage anything worthwhile, or just our vanity, our focus on image and appearance, our pride, any number of things that really shouldn't be encouraged? You have me thinking a little about this now.
At times I've wondered how relationships would be altered if we could not see, but only hear one another and experience life together! Would we tell one another that we think their heart is beautiful or that we appreciate their expressions or that silence with them is truly comfortable? Would the inside be the true treasure in the friendship?
To appreciate what we see is not wrong, but as Wes expressed so well, is an admiration for the outward features that God has made. People appreciate compliments! In fact, compliments are evidence of selflessness and a focus on the other person. Of course there has to be caution as Matthew and 1 Peter remind us that it's the inward man and God's provisions that are most important and of great price. I suppose the line can be drawn when determining the focus of the individual and how much money and time they spend on looking other than they naturally are.
Dana, actually shared Andre's perceptions with us on the way home from New York City. We were all encouraged by it and understand how culture has made things to be appropriate for one circumstance, but shameful for another. Should more husband's be jealous for their wives to be only for their eyes as a treasure? Would brides even take more caution to continue being pure and discreet even in their wedding gown because they are walking down the aisle only for their groom? Attraction is definitely a God given response and not wrong, but to be entertained further or encouraged when vows have already been said.
I wonder if anyone would have thoughts on how differently men respond to what they see than women do? The other day an acquaintence said that seeing a man without a shirt on does nothing for women. This is a thought provoking topic and one not considered enough as we try to walk in the Spirit and not in the flesh.
You raise very good questions. I know that when I compliment someone on their hair or their outfit, I am generally trying to let them know that I've taken the time to notice - not in a "I want to boost your ego" way, but a "I want you to know that I care enough about you to notice that which you have changed and I want you to know that are important to me." I hope that comes across and is an encouragement. Now that I'm staying at home, with a baby who does little more than babble and roll over (which is very exciting, don't get me wrong), I realize what it is to long for contact with others - and when I have that contact I want to make sure they realize what they mean to me. That said, I try to not only compliment their new hairstyle, etc, but also their generosity with their time and what an encouragement they are to me.
Regarding the bathing suit/swimming issue, Snincr and I have debated that many times. We briefly touched on it the other night again, as we were talking about the lack of modesty in little girls' clothes. That is a very difficult one. It seems no matter what side of the fence you fall on you will upset someone with your point of view.
you pose some interesting thoughts....
there's a book out (maybe more than one actually) which addresses the issue of bathing suits, etc. i think the title is the undressing of america.... once you see where the designers/manufacturers are coming from, you'll have a new understanding of the issue. our family attended a summer camp one week and there policy is "no mixed bathing", so the moms, girls and little kids swam for the first hour, and the dads and older boys swam for the second hour. my personal policy is no mixed bathing. even though my swimsuit is modest by the world's standards, i don't want to be intentionally leading someone else's thoughts astray. i personally don't like to see guys without shirts on. maybe it doesn't do to a female what a female in immodest clothing does to a male, but there are some women out there for whom it is a major distraction/struggle. why open the door to temptation? not everyone agrees with me, obviously, but it is an important issue for me, and something i've tried to teach my own daughters.
about compliments- i appreciate people who compliment me on an outfit i'm wearing or if my hair looks nice. however, the flipside of that is if the focus becomes the outward and not the inward. compliments to a young woman wearing a modest outfit are helpful and encouraging to her, because we see far too many of the other kinds of clothes styles. a comment from a mom i read the other day, about her answer to her young daughter wearing a pretty dress- that dress is pretty, but if you are acting ugly while you're wearing it, it's not pretty anymore. in other words, it's what's inside that counts.
well, that was a longer comment than i intended, and i'm out of time for now, so i need to get off the computer.
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