January 25, 2010
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Handling times of difficult relationship with parents - (revision 2)
Often the relationship with parents may be good and pleasant. But sometimes it might be strained. What does the Bible have to say about how to handle the difficult times? Here are four things I've noticed. (This is the second draft of this post... thanks mulletrooster and pkduet for your comments on the earlier version)
How does the Bible say you must treat your parents?
1. If you are a child, obey them.Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1
Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Colossians 3:20
Absolute obedience is commanded by God for children to their parents. But what constitutes a child? At some point, each young man or young woman will reach a point in their self-awareness and spiritual development (if a Christian) when he or she considers himself or herself no longer a child, but a young adult. At this point (typically early teen years), does the Bible still enjoin obedience? Or rather, is each person to seek God's will and direction for his or her life (and sometimes that may go against parents' wishes and directions)?
Those who say that the word "children" in Eph. 6:1 and Col. 3:20 simply means offspring, regardless of age (e.g. David Curtis at http://www.bereanbiblechurch.org/transcripts/colossians/3_20.htm , thanks pkduet for the link), point to one of the typical meanings of the greek word ("teknon") meaning "children", with no absolute restriction on age in meaning "young children" - thus, referring to all sons and daughters regardless of age. David Curtis writes: ""Who is considered a child? There are no indications here as to the age of the children who are to obey their parents. We would tend to think that this commandment is given to young children regarding their obligation to their parents, but this is not so. The Greek word used for "children" in Colossians 3:20 is not from teknia (little children), but from teknon, which means: "offspring." I am the teknon of my mother, even though I am 50 years old."
However, if we look again at the context of Ephesians 6:1 and Col. 3:20, there are specific directives addressed to specific groups of people. Eph 5:22 "Wives..." 5:25 "Husbands..." 6:1 "Children...", 6:4 "Fathers...", 6:5 "Slaves...", and 6:9 "Masters...". Colossians 3 is similar: Col. 3:18 "Wives..." 3:19 "Husbands..." 3:20 "Children...", 3:21 "Fathers...", 3:22 "Slaves...", and 4:1 "Masters...".
The fact that "children" are addressed in the middle of a section pinpointing specific directives to specific subgroups of people seems to indicate to me that the "children" were the younger children. Otherwise it would have made more sense for Paul to write his "obey your parents" note in the other sections of the epistles which were generally addressed to all.
It's interesting that even David Curtis in his article above writes: "I think that a person comes out from under the command to obey their parents when they go out and establish their own home." I'm not sure where he gets this from, given his belief that "teknon" refers to all sons and daughters regardless of age. But on the alternative understanding that the meaning of the word 'teknon' in these passages is referring to 'young children (which tentatively makes sense to me), his conclusions make sense.
Just as a soldier must obey orders without questioning 'why', there is a time in everyone's life when unquestioning "obedience" (greek "listen-under" hyp-akouo) is required. But as children grow older, they must transition into making their own decisions, though listening respectfully to the guidance of parents and other counselors. As David Curtis points out, the same disciple (Peter) who said "Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether to a king as the one in authority, or to governors as sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and the praise of those who do right" (1 Pet 2:13-14), also said "Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God" (Acts 4:19) in a situation where the "authorities" were commanding them to disobey Jesus Christ.
In summary of this point, it seems that young children are to obey their parents without questioning, and adults are to honor/listen/consider their parents' directives and follow them if and only if they are in accordance with God's revealed will. There will of course be some kind of transition period between child and adult.
2. Honor them."Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. Exodus 20:12
'Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you. Deuteronomy 5:16
Matthew 15:4
"For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'"Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." Eph 6:2-3
The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother,
The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it. Proverbs 30:17Honoring and showing respect to your father and mother is not optional. It is commanded by God. You MUST honor them, even when you don't feel like it. Even when they are being unreasonable, or emotionally tormenting you, or pitifully screwing up their own lives. Even when you feel like screaming at them, or stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind you, or giving them the palm and saying 'talk to the hand', or other such expressions of attempting to cut off their irritating presence, don't do it... instead, show them respect. Not because you feel like it, but because Jesus has bought you and you are no longer your own, so you have not other option but to obey His command to honor your parents. Even if your parents are not saved and are heaping scorn on you and Jesus Christ, you can still honor them and respect them. Even if you are sometimes (as an adult) compelled to disobey/disregard their directions, you can still do it in a respectful way.
Part of showing respect is listening to them, even though you might not agree with them. E.g.
Hear, my son, your father's instruction, And do not forsake your mother's teaching; Proverbs 1:8
Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,
And give attention that you may gain understanding, Proverbs 4:1
You can (learn to) listen, even when you think you know exactly what they're going to say, and why you disagree. This applies not just to parents, but to lots of other situations in life. The irate neighbor, the wacky coworker, the misinformed boss, etc etc. First listen, then either speak (if it's the appropriate time Eccl 3:7), or keep quiet/change the subject (e.g. Jesus said "do not throw your pearls before swine" Matt. 7:6 and "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" John 16:12)But regarding parents, they have many years of life-experience, and their advice and direction is worth listening to. Even when after listening you still disagree or think they don't understand, you might be able to apply their advice to help some other person some day. And it may well happen that after listening to them, you learn some things and decide that their recommended course of action is indeed the wisest.
3. Love them."...you shall love your neighbor as yourself..." Leviticus 19:18
"You have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." Matthew 5:43-44
"This I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17
The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
1 John 4:8-11Greek has four words for love: eros (marital/romantic love), storge (familial affection), phileo (brotherly love, feelings of affection and friendship), and agape (volitional deliberate sacrificial mindset of seeking the other person's best interests rather than one's own). The word used in most of the love commandments is agape, and this is also the word used of God's love for us (who believe in Jesus).
Since agape-love is something which we can do even toward our enemies, it is not simply a feeling, but rather a choice. A choice to seek the other person's best interests, even when we don't feel like doing so. Even when the other person is hurting us.
More information on agape love is found in 1 Corinthians 13. For example, agape-love "is not easily angered", "is not rude", "is not arrogant," etc. This chapter expands on what it means to seek the other person's best interest.
Practical agape-love for parents includes taking care of them when they get old. For example -
1 Tim. 5:3-4
3Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God.and
Matthew 15:3-6
And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, 'honor your father and mother,' and, 'he who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.' "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God", he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition."Parents generally seek their children's best interests. But even if you feel like your parents are your enemies for some reason, and they seem to be tormenting you with their policies or unsolicited advice, you must still apply Jesus' command to "agape-love your enemies." Seek what is best for them, even when you don't feel like it. Because that's what Jesus did for you.
4. Forgive them.
"For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions. Matthew 6:14-15
Matt. 18
21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
23"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
24"When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
25"But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made.
26"So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.'
27"And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.
28"But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.'
29"So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.'
30"But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed.
31"So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.
32"Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
33'Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?'
34"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
35"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, i will repay," says the Lord. "but if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head." Romans 12:19-20
"Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25
Your parents will undoubtedly hurt you many times (and you will undoubtedly hurt them also). They will fail you, give you bad advice, treat you with selfishness sometimes, and misunderstand you. Some parents will even deliberately abuse you.
However, Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, including our parents. This is not optional, and it doesn't depend on our feelings. It is a deliberate choice (1) to say "God, I'll let you take care of 'getting even' with my parents... I will not take that task into my own hands" and (2) to let go of feelings of bitterness and grudge and anger against that person.
Examples:
Luke 14
25Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them,
26"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
...
33"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.Here using the Hebrew "love/hate" terminology for "prioritizing" and choosing (cf. Jacob and Esau, Romans 9 and Malachi 1), Jesus says that He must come before father or mother... that is, if Jesus commands one thing and father/mother command something different, we must follow Jesus.
Here is a powerful example of all this, in Jesus' own life. His own mother did not agree with his ministry approach, and so she traveled to him, not only to rebuke him, but to take him into custody as a lunatic. Jesus displayed all the principles above - he treated her with respect despite disagreeing with her, he showed agape love to her in taking care of her needs (cf. his request to John to take care of her after he died), and yet He did not acquiesce to her contrary-to-God guidance to the slightest degree:Mark 3
21When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, "He has lost His senses."
...
31Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him.
32A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, "Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You."
33Answering them, He said, "Who are My mother and My brothers?"
34Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers!
35"For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother."
Comments (7)
Thanx for the Scriptural/Greek research, Tim. I think it sheds a little light, but agree it doesn't clear up the issue entirely. Just because children COULD mean all offspring, doesn't mean it necessarily does in this case. And just because it's natural to address those commands categorically to the 'teknia' doesn't mean they don't fit with the larger 'teknon' commands.
The issue about obeying seems to be one of non-contradiction with God's will, and not a biconditional relationship. Consider:
"Obey your parents IF AND ONLY IF their directives are God's commands."
OR
"Obey your parents IF their directives are God's commands, AND when their directives do not contradict God's commands."
Given that we should always follow God's will, obeying our parents is then no distinct command at all if it means, "obey them when they do what God tells you to do." It has no force when children are either young or old, except as a matter of coincidence. It just so happens (by God's design) that parents' commands may be frequently in line with God's commands to young children. But it remains that, if/when they can discern God's will independently, little children should obey God and only obey their parents secondarily. In this interpretation, I think the command is really reminding children of previous commands to obey God, and informing them that God has designed parents to be the chief mediator of his will for young children. Which is plausible, I admit.
But if the command has a logically distinct force, then it is directing us to obey our parents whenever they don't contradict the will of God. In other words, we should love & obey God because that is the first command. When parents tell us what to do what God wants us to do, and we do it, they acquire a bonus joy as mediator of God's will. BUT, I think there are also situations for which God has not provided specific guidance, and in those we are left to discretion. Normally, our discretion, but perhaps this command tells us to yield to our parents' discretion.
For instance, my parents tells me to wear blue, and I see no 'God's-will' problem with that, although I'd rather wear green. The second interpretation indicates I now HAVE a 'God's-will' problem with wearing green, because my parents told me not to. God, I'm sure, will use this for some deep purpose of his own, but my immediate concern would be with complying with my parents injunction, because I want to obey God by obeying my parents.
So what do you think? Should I wear blue because my parents want me to? Or only if I (as an adult) also think it's a good idea?
@mulletrooster - Right, I think that's exactly the question... what to do in those areas of life that are not clearly specified by God / by His Word... I think the indication that the command is expressed in a context of commands to specific subgroups might push the interpretation toward saying that it's only for children, but also I think that each issue, for us adults who are asking God for wisdom and praying about / pondering what would be best, will eventually slide toward one direction or another - eventually it will either become "Sure, I can give up my preference on this - my parents' advice is probably wise in this area" or "No, the more I pray about and consider this, the more clearly it seems to me that it would be unwise to follow my parents' advice in this area (i.e., God is 'leading me' to take the other choice)". ...
On point 1, it is interesting that in both Ephesians and Colossians Paul establishes three two-way pairings, or patterns of submission/responsibility. A) wives submitting to husbands, and husbands loving their wives, caring for them and not being harsh with them. B) children submitting to parents (and ultimately to fathers), and fathers being careful not to embitter/discourage them. C) slaves [employees who live with their bosses] submitting to masters, and masters providing them with what is right and fair. As you mention in point 2, there is also another side of pairing B: B1) "Practical agape-love for parents includes taking care of them when they get old."
If children (teknon) are offspring in general, then what Paul describes in these "pairings" gives a "safety net" in which individuals in a society are knit together in a network of submission/responsibility relationships. But if "children" is interpretted as young children only, then there is a big gap in the "safety net": what provision is there for young single adults? If they don't have a submission/responsibility relationship with their parents, who takes on that role? Few young people have employers who are responsible for them like a master was for his slaves. In some cases churches or mission boards can be like a surrogate family for young people who are far away from home. But what about young singles who don't have a church home? Who are they in submission to, and who is responsible for watching over them? The viewpoint that young singles are not to be obedient to parents, but rather are to free themselves from being under their parents' authority and to make their own decisions can often lead to feelings of ever-increasing isolation and alienation.
In points 2, 3, and 4, the situation you describe is parents "are being unreasonable, or emotionally tormenting you, or pitifully screwing up their own lives", "are heaping scorn on you and Jesus Christ", "are your enemies for some reason, and they seem to be tormenting you with their policies or unsolicited advice", "hurt you many times", "fail you, give you bad advice, treat you with selfishness sometimes, and misunderstand you. Some parents will even deliberately abuse you." You advocate trying to honor and show respect to parents, trying to love them, and trying to forgive them. These are important. But perhaps there is a bigger perspective that will help even more in dealing with these difficulties with parents. In our home there is a plaque above our kitchen sink that says, "... momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison ... 2 Corinthians 4:17". James writes, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Maybe God is using the very difficulties you have described to develop character gems in a young person's life! Maybe He is using parents' "policies or unsolicited advice" to provide instruction that will lead to increased maturity.
@pkduet - Good thoughts... maybe as you say, all of these points could fall under a "summary point" of James 1/etc - when you encounter difficulties of ANY type, whether relationship, health, job, etc, rejoice that God is using them for good in your life.
On obedience, you present the reason that if young adults aren't in an obedience/accountability relationship with their parents, then they might not have anyone else to be in that relationship with. I'm curious - would you agree with David Curtis' statement: "I think that a person comes out from under the command to obey their parents when they go out and establish their own home." ? Or would you consider this passage to be commanding obedience for all ages of people to their parents?
Overall, I think that if we both agree that obedience to parents must never supercede obedience to God, then we are really both saying the same thing. Essentially, listen/consider/ponder when your parents give you a command/advice, and if their advice fits with God's leading then obey it, if it contradicts God's leading then don't obey it, and if it's somewhere in between then keep praying about it until it falls into one of the previous categories.
Tim, another Biblical observation on when a person stops being a child (teknon) and is no longer required to be obedient to parents can be found, in negative form, in Romans 1:31. In this passage, the sin of disobedience to parents is found in the midst of a long list of very adult sins, which implies that this also is a sin that adults can commit. As to when a persons’ status changes from being primarily a teknon, both the Ephesians and Colossians passages list first the category of husband/wife. So, as God says in Genesis 2:24, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, …” i.e. a man leaves his father and mother to start a family of his own.
In your final point you treat Jesus’ mother very harshly. “When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, ‘He has lost His senses.’" First of all, this verse does not specifically mention Mary being among this group of “His own people”, whereas ten verses later, her name is mentioned. She may not have been among the first group.
Secondly, there is no Scriptural evidence that Mary was a professing follower/disciple of Jesus at this time. Rather than saying, she “did not agree with His ministry approach … traveled to Him to take Him into custody as a lunatic.” … gave Him “contrary-to-God guidance”, it seems more probable that she did not understand His ministry. Even His own disciples did not understand, urging Him not to go to Jerusalem, leaving Him alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, Peter in Matt. 16:21-23, etc.
A parent/mother who is a follower/disciple of Jesus and wants nothing more than for his/her children to follow Christ and walk in the path He has planned for them to walk should not be compared with Jesus’ mother at this point in her life and His ministry.
Obviously, there are unbelieving parents who will not understand their child’s desire to follow Christ. But God can use even unbelieving parents to accomplish and convey His will. God turns the hearts of kings, The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord; he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases (Prov. 21:1) so He can certainly move in the hearts of unbelieving (or believing) parents so that they accomplish His will. And Romans 8:28 is applicable in all situations … And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Tim, our Xanga posts crossed; we hadn’t read your reply before sending our own.
Scripture seems to indicate that there is a level of obedience expected of children no matter what their age, at least until they are married and establish a home of their own (see our post). However the obedience of an adult is not so much following directives as it is following the parents’ counsel, the intents of their heart, the training that the adult received while growing up. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it”.
You wrote:
Overall, I think that if we both agree that obedience to parents must never supercede obedience to God, then we are really both saying the same thing. Essentially, listen/consider/ponder when your parents give you a command/advice, and if their advice fits with God's leading then obey it, if it contradicts God's leading then don't obey it, and if it's somewhere in between then keep praying about it until it falls into one of the previous categories.
We agree to some extent with what you have said here. Of course our allegiance to God supersedes any earthly allegiance. However, God commands obedience to parents. Therefore unless a parent is contradicting a clear Biblical teaching, we should assume that what they are saying is God's will and obey them. It is possible that a person’s understanding of “God’s leading” can be faulty, therefore God has created a system of authority/accountability to help us, and He instructs us to “Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” Prov 19:20. He has also given us written revelation of His will, so we can see if an authority is contradicting God’s commands.
@pkduet - Thanks for your continued thoughts. Interesting points about Romans 1:30 (and 2 Tim. 3:2) and Gen. 2:24. I'll continue to ponder this.
It sounds like we mostly agree. The only difference I see in our approaches is that you recognize only two categories of parental commands/advice: (1) "contradicting a clear Biblical teaching", or (2) "God's will", wheras I recognize three categories (for adults interacting with their parents): (1) contradicting a clear Biblical teaching and leading of God's Holy Spirit, (2) aligning with Biblical teaching and leading of God's Holy Spirit, or (3) not yet clearly contradicting or aligning.
Reminds me of the discussion a while back about submitting to church elders, where the words used in scripture for such submission is the 'let yourself be persuaded by' word rather than the common 'submit yourself' word ( http://tim223.xanga.com/718565589/house-church-chapter-4-congregational-consensus-reading-notes/ ). For young children, simple submission may be more appropriate... but for adults relating to their parents, that third category may be more important.
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