January 18, 2010

• How to deal with parents

  As a former youth worker (and a former youth myself , I've had my share of 'dealing with parents' issues.   How do you respond when your parents are really difficult to live with?  Does the Bible have anything to say about this issue?

  I've discovered that it does.  Here are four things I've noticed.  (This is an outline of a talk to youth, but I think it's also applicable to older folks).   (BTW, the Bible also says a lot about how to deal with children, but that's a subject for another time..)

  How does the Bible say you must treat your parents?

  1. If you are a child, obey them.

  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Ephesians 6:1

  Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. Colossians 3:20

  Absolute obedience is commanded by God for children to their parents.  But what constitutes a child?  At some point, each young man or young woman will reach a point in their self-awareness and spiritual development (if a Christian) when he or she considers himself or herself no longer a child, but a young adult.  At this point (typically early teen years), the Bible no longer enjoins obedience.  Rather, each person is to seek God's will and direction for his or her life, and sometimes that may well go against parents' wishes and directions.  But the other principles below still apply.
  2. Honor them.

  "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the LORD your God gives you. Exodus 20:12

  'Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged and that it may go well with you on the land which the LORD your God gives you. Deuteronomy 5:16

  Matthew 15:4
  "For God said, 'Honor your father and mother,' and, 'He who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'

  "Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth." Eph 6:2-3

  The eye that mocks a father And scorns a mother,
  The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it.  Proverbs 30:17

  Honoring and showing respect to your father and mother is not optional.  It is commanded by God.  You MUST honor them, even when you don't feel like it.  Even when they are being unreasonable, or emotionally tormenting you, or pitifully screwing up their own lives.   Even when you feel like screaming at them, or stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind you, or giving them the palm and saying 'talk to the hand', or other such expressions of attempting to cut off their irritating presence, don't do it... instead, show them respect to the extent you can.  Not because you feel like it, but because Jesus has bought you and you are no longer your own, so you have not other option but to obey His command to honor your parents.   Even if your parents are not saved and are heaping scorn on you and Jesus Christ, you can still honor them and respect them.  Even if you are sometimes (as an adult) compelled to disobey/disregard their directions, you can still do it in a respectful way.

  Part of showing respect is listening to them, even though you might not agree with them at all.  E.g.
  Hear, my son, your father's instruction, And do not forsake your mother's teaching;  Proverbs 1:8
  Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father,
  And give attention that you may gain understanding,  Proverbs 4:1
  You can (learn to) listen, even when you know exactly what they're going to say, and why you think it's nonsense.  This applies not just to parents, but to lots of other situations in life.  The irate neighbor, the wacky coworker, the misinformed boss, etc etc.  First listen, then either speak (if it's the appropriate time Eccl 3:7), or keep quiet/change the subject (e.g. Jesus said "do not throw your pearls before swine" Matt. 7:6 and "I have many more things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now" John 16:12)

   
  3. Love them.

  "...you shall love your neighbor as yourself..."  Leviticus 19:18

  "You have heard that it was said, 'you shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...." Matthew 5:43-44

  "This I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17

  The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
  1 John 4:8-11

  Greek has four words for love: eros (marital/romantic love), storge (familial affection), phileo (brotherly love, feelings of affection and friendship), and agape (volitional deliberate sacrificial mindset of seeking the other person's best interests rather than one's own).  The word used in most of the love commandments is agape, and this is also the word used of God's love for us (who believe in Jesus).

  Since agape-love is something which we can do even toward our enemies, it is not simply a feeling, but rather a choice.   A choice to seek the other person's best interests, even when we don't feel like doing so.  Even when the other person is hurting us.

  Practical agape-love for parents includes taking care of them when they get old.  For example -
  1 Tim. 5:3-4
  3Honor widows who are widows indeed; 4but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God.

  and

  Matthew 15:3-6
  And He answered and said to them, "Why do you yourselves transgress the commandment of God for the sake of your tradition?  For God said, 'honor your father and mother,' and, 'he who speaks evil of father or mother is to be put to death.'  "But you say, 'Whoever says to his father or mother, "Whatever I have that would help you has been given to God", he is not to honor his father or his mother.' And by this you invalidated the word of God for the sake of your tradition."

  Even if you feel like your parents are your enemies, and they are tormenting you with their policies or berating you with their unsolicited advice, you must still apply Jesus' command to "agape-love your enemies."   Seek what is best for them, even when you don't feel like it.  Because that's what Jesus did for you.

   

   

  4. Forgive them.

  "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. "But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.  Matthew 6:14-15

  Matt. 18
  21Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"
  22Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.
  23"For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
  24"When he had begun to settle them, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.
  25"But since he did not have the means to repay, his lord commanded him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all that he had, and repayment to be made.
  26"So the slave fell to the ground and prostrated himself before him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you everything.'
  27"And the lord of that slave felt compassion and released him and forgave him the debt.
  28"But that slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and he seized him and began to choke him, saying, 'Pay back what you owe.'
  29"So his fellow slave fell to the ground and began to plead with him, saying, 'Have patience with me and I will repay you.'
  30"But he was unwilling and went and threw him in prison until he should pay back what was owed.
  31"So when his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were deeply grieved and came and reported to their lord all that had happened.
  32"Then summoning him, his lord said to him, 'You wicked slave, I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
  33'Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?'
  34"And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him.
  35"My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart."

  Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, i will repay," says the Lord. "but if your enemy is hungry, feed him, and if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for in so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  Romans 12:19-20

  "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions." Mark 11:25

  Your parents will undoubtedly hurt you many times.  They will fail you, give you bad advice, treat you with selfishness, and misunderstand you.  Some parents will even deliberately abuse you.

  However, Jesus commands us to forgive everyone, including our parents.  This is not optional, and it doesn't depend on our feelings.  It is a deliberate choice (1) to say "God, I'll let you take care of 'getting even' with my parents... I will not take that task into my own hands" and (2) to let go of feelings of bitterness and grudge and hard anger against that person.
  Examples:
  Luke 14
  25Now large crowds were going along with Him; and He turned and said to them,
  26"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
  ...
  33"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions.

  Here using the Hebrew "love/hate" terminology for "prioritizing" and choosing (cf. Jacob and Esau, Romans 9 and Malachi 1), Jesus says that He must come before father or mother... that is, if Jesus commands one thing and father/mother command something different, we must follow Jesus.
  Here is a powerful example of all this, in Jesus' own life.  His own mother did not agree with his ministry approach, and so she traveled to him, not only to rebuke him, but to take him into custody as a lunatic.  Jesus displayed all the principles above - he treated her with respect despite disagreeing with her, he showed agape love to her in taking care of her needs (cf. his request to John to take care of her after he died), and yet He did not acquiesce to her contrary-to-God guidance to the slightest degree:

  Mark 3
  21When His own people heard of this, they went out to take custody of Him; for they were saying, "He has lost His senses."
  ...
  31Then His mother and His brothers arrived, and standing outside they sent word to Him and called Him.
  32A crowd was sitting around Him, and they said to Him, "Behold, Your mother and Your brothers are outside looking for You."
  33Answering them, He said, "Who are My mother and My brothers?"
  34Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers!
  35"For whoever does the will of God, he is My brother and sister and mother."

   

  • 1:02 am
  • 3 Comments