August 16, 2009
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Parenting
I've been thinking about parenting some recently, having seen many good and bad examples, and having experienced God's parenting in my own life. I have learned/realized some things recently, although it's a bit hard still to pin it down and put it into words. I'll try to note a few things below. Sorry it's so rambling. Maybe these thoughts will coalesce into a more succinct form in the future.
1. First, consider these verses, from our friends Job and Paul (consider also the story of Jonah, and the plant that God 'gave' and then 'took away')...
He said,
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21)Notice this about God - that He gives and He takes away. He doesn't only give (like 'Santa Claus'), and He doesn't only take away (like we are sometimes tempted to believe, when grieving a great loss). He does both. Why? Is God an "indian-giver"? Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?
How is it possible to trust Someone who gives good gifts one moment, then painful heartaches the next moment? How can one repose one's heart in Him, release one's future to Him, if you never know what painful thing He's going to throw at you next? When the dentist says "this might hurt a bit, but just close your eyes and try to relax", how do you respond internally? Is this what God tells us to do (Proverbs 3:5-6), or is the analogy incorrect?
The second passage:
"Men, why are you doing these things? We are also men of the same nature as you, and preach the gospel to you that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who 'made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them.' In the generations gone by He permitted all the nations to go their own ways; and yet He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness." (Acts 14:15-17)
What is it about receiving things like food and rain for one's crops that points one to God? What is Paul saying here?
2. I think it's C.S. Lewis who talks about why God does this --- God "gives AND takes away" in order to awaken in people the desire for Him..... the Object of desire which is the only truly satisfying one (see also this interesting related article on 'sehnsucht', a German word approximately meaning "longing"/"desire"). More on this below.
3. The concept of parenting seems to be related to this. Parenting seems to be two main things: living an example to one's kids, and teaching/training specific principles to one's kids. Training seems to be accomplished using rewards and punishments... rewards for good behavior, punishments for bad behavior. The idea is that if you train children consistently using rewards and punishments, they will build character habits... at first they won't understand the rationale (they'll just know 'when I beat up my brother, I get spanked, which hurts, so I'd better not beat up my brother any more'), but as they mature, they'll understand the rationale ('it is better for many reasons to live in an amicable relationship with my brother'). Once the kids get to the teen age, spanking doesn't hold much terror for them any more, and once they hit their late teens and older, all punishments lose effect... so the training has to take place early.... but if it works, the kids won't need the rewards/punishments any more... they will WANT to act in these mature ways (for better/higher motivations)...
Anyway, the parent must both give, and take away. Sometimes I see a parent trying to only take away, without giving... e.g. taking away their privileges, yelling at them (usually the ones who yell are the same ones who don't spank), threatening them, grounding them, etc. Sometimes I see a parent trying to only give, without taking away... e.g. sacrificially providing opportunities (educational, social, financial, etc) without being willing to take away those privileges if the kid is behaving badly... parents giving money to a kid who is married, jobless, homeless, etc and enabling his continued unruly lifestyle, etc.
But it is beautiful to see a parent both giving and taking away, toward the goal of seeing his/her child become an upright and mature adult. The parent gives gifts of toys, social opportunities, educational opportunities, field trips, delicious foods, money, etc, constantly pondering what new gifts he/she might be able to give.... while being ready to take away, withold, punish, spank, scold, etc whenever the child needs it. In engineering terms the parent is keeping open a wide dynamic range of parental reference signal to the child.
4. As I currently understand it, this process looks different depending on whether the person is being drawn by God or not (or whether the person is seeking God or not through God's Spirit working in their heart, or whether the person is one of God's elect 'sheep' or not... different ways of saying the same thing).
If the person is being drawn by God, when God gives a good gift to them, he/she respond in delight and thanksgiving --- 'wow, thanks God!! I never knew life could be this good... my perspective on the upper end of the realm of possibility has just been expanded... if being-with-You-in-heaven is better than THIS, then it must be far better than thought previously...' Then when God takes away that good thing, or brings some hardship into his/her life, they respond like Job - 'ok God, for some reason in your better/wiser plan You have taken this away for some good purpose... thank You that what I possess in having/knowing/being-connected-with You Yourself is far better than anything I have lost or could ever possibly lose here on earth... thank You for the reminder, in this loss, that my true Treasure is not this thing, but You... ' (Lamentations 3:24, 1 Cor 7:29-31, John 17:1-5, etc)
But the non-elect person responds differently... when God sends the good gift, it only dulls the spiritual sensibilities and cases the person to be more entrenched against God, if He comes to mind at all ("ok God, here's one thing I'm never going to let you take away from me"), and when God sends the pain or takes away the gift, it only causes rage and bitterness against God. Again C.S.Lewis' story is powerful -- of the dwarves in "The Last Battle" who, although seated in a beautiful meadow and presented with a delicious banquet, are unable to see/enjoy it for what it is and end up less satisfied than before. Cf. Revelation 9:20-21, 16:9,11...
5. www.beerisproof.org says these things more coherently than I. From their website: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Quoting Lewis again: "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
6. Someone, probably Lewis again, has compared the "far-better"-ness of life-with-God to the scenario of trying to explain the pleasures of sex to a little child. "Is it better than eating chocolate or playing with Legos?" the child asks incredulously. How could something possibly be better than Legos? or chocolate??
Or consider a boy playing on his Xbox. He is so engrossed by the game that he barely hears his mom say that she and his dad and the rest of his family are now waiting in the car to begin their family vacation at the beach. "That's nice," he mumbles, eyes fixed on the screen. His mom suddenly reaches over and abruptly switches off the power. At first the boy is upset. But as soon as he reaches the beach, he begins to become secretly grateful that he was forced to leave his game. Why?
There are categories of joy that apparently we cannot even begin to grasp... and the same applies to what God is doing in His parenting of us... He gives us delightful gifts, to shock us into realizing that there is a far greater joy awaiting us than we had imagined existed. He then takes takes away those gifts and pours heartache into our lives, to shock us into remembering that this world is not our home and we ought not to pretend like it is. He then repeats the cycle.
Blessing and heartache, blessing and heartache, "happiness and tears", bigger and bigger every month, wrenching our hearts out of joint, overflowing us with blessing beyond our capacity even to say 'thank you', grinding us under pains so great we can't even begin to explain them to our friends, every year upping the amplitude of life's circumstances and timing the phase just right to shatter our complacent little lives... WHY? As I asked above, "is God an "indian-giver"? Is He capricious, feeling benevolent one day but feeling grumpy the next?" Or, does He have an awesome purpose... is He parenting us with deliberate care to grow in us huge anticipation/delight/longing... for the only 'thing' that can ultimately satisfy us... that is, Himself........
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him." I Corinthians 2:9
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