April 2, 2009
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words of affirmation
It is interesting how one can tell the state of a couple's love by how they talk in public. Do they show respect to each other? Do they bring up their partner's strengths or weaknesses for conversation?
If the former, it is because the person is secure enough in himself/herself or in something else (e.g. Jesus Christ) that 'bedrocks' his/her life that he/she can 'afford' to lift up the spouse before others. If the latter, it is because the person is insecure and is trying to feel better about himself/herself by making the spouse look bad. Self-deprecating remarks are somewhere in-between, because they are sometimes just a reverse-psychology way to get people to give reassurances in reply. But sometimes they are other-directed.
Recent examples:
1. A newlywed wife makes fun of the way her husband loves John Deere tractors and glances at the John Deere store every time they drive by.
2. A husband makes jokes about how his wife starts lots of projects but never finishes them.
3. A husband, during a meal with an older couple at a restaurant, sincerely and unsolicitedly praises his wife's home cooking.
4. A husband makes a decision about a family event. Immediately the wife contradicts him, says why his plan won't work, and announces that the family will do something else instead.
Respectful, complimentary talk about one's spouse in front of him/her is often a clear window into the love present in private. Likewise, talk behind one's back can also be an indicator... but less 'accessible' than the public evidence (in the sense that one has 'public' data on all couples, but 'private' data on only a few friends)...
Recent examples:
1. A wife complains to friends that her husband doesn't spend much time with her.
2. A husband boasts to his friends about how frugal and shopping-smart his wife is, and how much he trusts her advice on financial matters.
Public compliments betoken a 'hothouse environment', a relationship soil that is either so rich with trust that the person is comfortable making the statement (e.g. "I can go way out on a limb and expose my feelings of appreciation for my spouse, knowing that my spouse won't tear me apart emotionally by making fun of my compliment when we're in private") OR a relationship with someone even MORE important than the spouse (e.g. Jesus Christ) that is so strong that "even if my spouse tears me apart emotionally in private, I don't care, I'll honor her in public anyway, because the solace and love that I get from Jesus is ENOUGH for me in every way".
Private compliments are a small step in the right direction... A "I don't trust you enough yet to honor you in front of our friends, but I trust you enough to thank/honor you here and now"...
However (disclaimer #1), some friends have told me that my thoughts on this are only partial, in that some people give public compliments in a phony manner, simply to try to 'earn points' with the spouse. That may be true. I don't think I see it very often though.
Disclaimer #2 - I certainly think it is the case that some people don't very much appreciate words of affirmation, because they instinctively feel that such words are either dishonest, or misinformed. I.e. the "Five Love Languages" book probably has some good points to make, even if there are more than five, and even if I've never read the book. It is also probably the case, regarding the 'dishonest/misinformed/accurate' trilemma, that words from people who know one most deeply tend to be most appreciated, as well as words from people who dispense praise sparingly. Supply and demand, I guess.
Disclaimer #3 - Lest marrieds reading this think that public praise is the magic bullet to intimacy, it is also interesting to watch spouses' reactions to public praise. If the praise was accurate and given the appropriate energy and based on deep knowledge and directed by love, the person will be happy but will of course redirect the glory to Christ the source of goodness and to human teachers. If the praise was inaccurate or phony or overdone or emphasizing a supposed strength that the spouse actually considers a weakness, the reaction will divulge this too.
By the way, the magic bullet to intimacy in marriage, to the extent that one exists, is caring more about the spouse's benefit than one's own... and caring more about Christ than either spouse or self. "To the extent that one exists"... because one ultimately cannot make one's spouse love you. But one can enjoy intimacy with Christ to the full... and they say it's even better than marriage... and from what little I know, I agree...
Comments (2)
This is so true, and I have to guard myself against foolish, degrading talk, all in the name of teasing.
I agree with Mary it's so true. One thing Robert and I have to be careful about is that our language of love is humor, we love to make each other laugh (hence ridiculous gifts), but with that comes a fine line one has to walk.
And yes fellowship with Christ is better than marriage!
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