I am extremely 'broken' these days (in the sense of 'not working properly; needing to be fixed').  If you think to pray for me, PLEASE do... I really appreciate your prayers... that God would heal, fix, restore, grow, mature me... and use me in the meantime for good.

If you ask me how I'm doing, I will probably say 'good', for several reasons.  First, in view of the eternal life that God has given me in Christ, I truly am 'doing well' in the ultimate sense, no matter how difficult my temporal life is at the moment.  Also, some of the issues I'm going through are difficult to explain to people even when they have time and interest, which quite understandably most acquaintances have only in small measure.  But I just wanted to mention this so that if I say I'm 'good', you understand.... and to ask for your prayers, those of you friends who read this.

With much gratitude, and with hope in Christ (whether He decides to fix me or not, whether I 'perform well' or not as His ambassador here, He has loved me with an everlasting love and guaranteed me eternal life with Him forever... that's pretty awesome...),

Tim

If "a woman's heart should be so focused/absorbed/lost in God that a man should have to seek Him to find her" as they say, then, in my opinion, a man's heart should be so focused/absorbed/lost in God that he would not even notice the woman at all until God knocks him out cold and personally gives her to him.

"My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to Your word."  Psalm 119:28

Where is the joy?  Where is the peace?  Where is the happiness?

It's future.  That's where it is.

"Now when he saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, 2and he began to teach them saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 

 "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."   Matthew 5:1-12

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"If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied."  1 Corinthians 15:29

The ten books currently in my main reading pile besides the Bible are: "Love and Respect", "For Men Only", "Becoming Conversant with the Emergent Church", "Don't Waste Your Life", "The Young Man in the Mirror", "The Reason for God", "Philosophy and the Christian Faith", "The Reliability of the Gospels", "George Mueller", and the Book of Mormon.  Just because they're in my pile doesn't mean I read them frequently (ha! far from it actually), but some of the ideas on this blog are obviously stimulated by the things I read when I get a chance.  The Bible is by far the most important book though... I recommend it more than all the others... the Bible is food, the others are condiments, or even silverware.

I have realized just tonight why I value my journal and my blog so much, and why I desire my closest friends to read them and to get to know my friends from previous places - it is because of two facts: I have changed a lot during the years of my life, and I have lived in several very different environments in my life - a version of 'rootlessness'.  My journals and blogs (and photos and letters and other forms of history) form a sort of thread that ties together 'the real me' and help me (and potentially others) understand who I am in view of the entire collection of experiences and friends... I tend to believe (rightly or wrongly) that unless I or someone else grasp 'who I was', it is essentially impossible to understand 'who I am' right now, and 'who I am becoming'... and likewise I think the more one gets to know my true friends, the more one can understand me.  If someone would view my journals and blogs and friends as 'secondary/accessories' and decides they're not worth the time to digest or get to know, I would feel that the person is not truly interested in getting to know me. That ought not change how I view/treat them, of course, in general...

Tonight reading "Love and Respect" - powerful and highly recommended... it's based on Ephesians 5:33, with thesis that husbands need respect and wives need love.  I think I strongly agree, based on what I've seen.  I don't know if I'll ever get to apply it.   But what about singles?  Does it not seem that single Christian men cannot / ought-not to direct the natural flow of their love / romantic feelings toward their single Christian sisters? (unless God is leading them to pursue marriage, of course) ...because that would easily tend to stir up feelings in the girls that would be difficult to repress... feelings that would risk 'leading them on' even accidentally, without meaning to.  As the african proverb says, "If you are not interested in giving money to the beggar widow, do not ask her too many questions."  What then to do with these?  How ought single men to 'practice' loving their wives, as it were?  Certainly not to direct this toward married women, that would be very foolish.  It seems to me that these feelings and impulses must simply be buried, dumped, wasted.  Not to say that God overlooks it, of course... all of our tears are saved in His bottle, and likewise with all of our romantic love.  It's like a garden hose which has no 'off' valve, but has no garden to water.  All it can do is pour onto the asphalt and down into the drain.  But that's better than prematurely soaking the paper packets of seeds which are meant for other gardens.  The energy of single people can of course be turned toward positive 'projects', as it is well known that churches benefit from the extra time and resources and energy of single men and women... and missionary endeavors to far lands, etc.  To a limited degree the longing of single Christian men to lead and provide and the longing of single Christian women to care for and nurture others can be 'redirected' into small groups, others' families, etc. Yet somehow it doesn't seem that simple.  If Christian single men need respect/significance and Christian single women need love/security, who can they legitimately get it from?  From God, I suppose.  Whom do they practice on?  Ultimately no one, I suppose.  Yet 'friendships' are obviously important.

There's the example of Jesus... single all his thirty-odd years on earth, yet somehow building a DEEP friendship with Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and others... especially Mary (John 11, etc)... while staying perfectly pure and sinless.  How could he intentionally build/allow such a deep friendship, while somehow making it clear to her that he had no romantic intentions toward her?  I wish I could watch His life in person.  E.g. Paul with the many women friends he mentions, Dorcas (great name for an American girl), etc.  May God give us all wisdom.  As the Quran says, "May God lead us to the straight path."

One more thing - I heard this awesome analogy from Piper's lecture on John Newton the other day - Newton used it in one of his sermons.

Imagine if there was a man who had just been told (and verified with official documents) that he had inherited a HUGE fortune [think billions or trillions].  All of his financial needs and wants would basically be solved for the rest of his life.  All he had to do was travel to a particular distant city to receive his inheritance.  He traveled and traveled, and finally, just when he was getting within five miles of the city, a wheel on his carriage broke [or his car broke an axle or something].

Imagine how utterly ridiculous it would be if we saw that man cursing and muttering darkly to himself as he walked the rest of the way, upset at the fact that he had to walk to the city and get all hot and sweaty and tired.  Or how utterly moronic we would think he was if he decided not to complete his trip because of the inconvenience!

Thus it is [says Newton] with our own situation (for those who are believers/disciples of Christ) - on our way to HEAVEN to live with GOD, FOREVER, joint heirs with Christ, bride of Christ, children of God, etc - when we encounter difficulties and sorrows and trials here...

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us... Romans 8:18

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials... 1 Peter 1:6

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison... 2 Corinthians 4:17

... a day to gratefully remember those who have given their lives in service to our country and who are currently serving.  I am thankful.  Yet I can't help thinking that our country needs hardship more than it needs peace, to straighten out many of its problems (i.e. by pointing it back to God).  May God's will be done (in the coming election and beyond).

... a day also to remember one's own life.  God has been so good to me.  Loving and God-focused family, physical provision, many friends and especially a few very close friends, but most of all, The Gift of Jesus Christ coming to earth and dying for me / to pay for my sins, so that I could live with Him and the rest of the redeemed people in heaven forever.   Wow.

... one year ago today, life was extremely exciting, and also confusing and stressful.  Today, life is still confusing and stressful, but it is rather more 'bleak' than 'exciting'...  except for heaven, which is hopefully coming soon.  God lovingly removes the (relatively) cheap treasures of our lives so we can better see the value of the genuine treasure He has already given to us (those of us who are believers in Christ)....

"...God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

"Affections of the heart cannot simply be removed, they must be replaced."

-- a quote I heard today, which I think is quite true.   Lord Jesus, please focus my heart's affections on You.

One of the hardest things I've ever faced is the condition of being repeatedly and massively misunderstood by someone whose opinion I care about, while being constrained by certain factors that I am not allowed to even try to clear up the misunderstandings.  I long to help this person understand me, but I am not permitted to try.  I must trust that God has good plans in mind, and continue to seek to delight myself in Him alone.

I suppose many others have faced this type of thing too, before me.    Sigh.    All pain here is only temporary (for those of us who believe in Jesus).

Consider for a moment this true story (from John 12, cf. also Matthew 26:6-13, Mark 14:1-9, Luke 7:36-50):

Jesus, therefore, six days before the Passover, came to Bethany where Lazarus was, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. So they made Him a supper there, and Martha was serving; but Lazarus was one of those reclining at the table with Him.

Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

But Judas Iscariot, one of His disciples, who was intending to betray Him, said, "Why was this perfume not sold for three hundred denarii [a year's wages] and given to poor people?" Now he said this, not because he was concerned about the poor, but because he was a thief, and as he had the money box, he used to pilfer what was put into it. 

Therefore Jesus said, "Let her alone, so that she may keep it for the day of My burial. For you always have the poor with you, but you do not always have Me."

Can you enter into Mary's thinking here?  Have you ever felt what she felt?

To be, in the first place, so astonishingly forgiven, restored, and grateful...  ("there was a woman in the city who was a sinner...")

To love someone so passionately and deeply that you desire to give and give and give to that person, and the more costly the better (such love is irrational)...

To go and buy the gift, waiting for days with heart-pounding anticipation (how will he react? will he think I'm foolish?)...

To take the step of no return, to walk uninvited into the room of conversing men, to crack open the jar of perfume representing a lifetime of savings, to kneel at His feet to present the gift, weeping in gratitude and unworthiness...

I am empathizing more with her these days.  Though the treasures in my life are being gently plucked by Him from my unwilling fingers rather than offered by free volitional plan, still He is showing me that I can imitate her faith-filled, passionately grateful, 'Jesus is all the world to me' attitude.

How are my 'classes' going that I talked about in my previous post?  In a one-word summary, "AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH."   Excruciating.  But still worth it, I think.  Intimate fellowship and knowledge of Jesus Christ is worth possessing, at any cost.  And the classes won't be forever.  'Soon and very soon' my classes will be over, and the 'sabbath rest for the people of God' will begin.  And the best part is that not a moment of pain will be wasted.  He is saving every tear of mine in His bottle.

I asked God (because circumstances revealed my astonishing immaturity and sin and inadequacy) to enroll me in the set of classes in His school of maturity that would advance me at maximum safe speed (the only danger is walking away from Him) to extreme intimacy with Him and maturity and wisdom and Christlikeness... to "wholeness" / 'telic-ness' / 'perfection' / 'complete-ness' referred to in Matt. 5:48, Phil. 3:15, Eph. 4:13, Heb. 5:14, and James 1:4.   (...knowing of course that whatever wisdom or maturity He eventually gives me will still be only derivative and reflective of His glory and sufficiency, and I will still need to rely on Him in everything because "apart from Me you can do nothing" - Jesus in John 15).

I am happy to report that He has granted my request immediately.  The classes are very difficult but are reputed to have very positive results.

Do I recommend these classes?  I don't know yet... ask me again in a few years.

Do I recommend Him as a Teacher?  Yes.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

You have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood in your striving against sin;
and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons,
"My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
Nor faint when you are reproved by Him;
For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines,
And He scourges every son whom He receives."

It is for discipline that you endure; God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? But if you are without discipline, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.

Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness.

All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Therefore, strengthen the hands that are weak and the knees that are feeble, and make straight paths for your feet, so that the limb which is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed.  Hebrews 12:1-13

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!

Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."  - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

That last sentence and the rest of what Paul said here is quite astonishing...   also very applicable to me these days...   and perhaps to you...?