Chivalry versus Love
What are your thoughts on chivalry? Is it a good thing? A bad thing? What is it, precisely?
My 'pet peeve' against 'chivalry' continues to grow with each passing month... and so this post continues a discussion of chivalry started in a previous post (http://tim223.xanga.com/721860037/godliness-versus-the-art-of-manliness/). (However, when I say I dislike chivalry, you'll have to read more to see what I mean). A micro outline of what follows: first, some attempts at defining chivalry. Second, an initial comparison with the Bible. Third, a deadly danger of chivalry. Fourth, some frustrating common-sense contradictions and rants about chivalry. Finally, an exhortation. I have had so many thoughts about this subject that I am sure I'll not be able to write it all - please then, if you agree or disagree or want to clarify or caveat, post your comment and let's continue the discussion!
First then, what is chivalry?
The first two definitions from Dictionary.com say:
Chivalry: 1. the sum of the ideal qualifications of a knight, including courtesy, generosity, valor, and dexterity in arms. 2. the rules and customs of medieval knighthood.
Reference.com expands a bit more... "a fusion of Christian and military concepts of morality and still form the basis of gentlemanly conduct"... The chief chivalric virtues were piety, honor, valor, courtesy, chastity, and loyalty. The knight's loyalty was due to the spiritual master, God; to the temporal master, the suzerain; and to the mistress of the heart, his sworn love. Love, in the chivalrous sense, was largely platonic; as a rule, only a virgin or another man's wife could be the chosen object of chivalrous love."
"In practice, chivalric conduct was never free from corruption, increasingly evident in the later Middle Ages. Courtly love often deteriorated into promiscuity and adultery and pious militance into barbarous warfare. Moreover, the chivalric duties were not owed to those outside the bounds of feudal obligation. The outward trappings of chivalry and knighthood declined in the 15th cent., by which time wars were fought for victory and individual valor was irrelevant."
I think that characterization of chivalry as a "fusion" of Christian and military/cultural precepts is deadly accurate. My desire is to separate out this "fusion" into what I am beginning to understand are its two constitutive parts: God's law, and cultural traditions.
First, a bit more definition of chivalry. The above definitions implicated "courtly love". Ask.com gives the following definition of "courtly love" -
"Courtly love was a medieval European conception of nobly and chivalrously expressing love and admiration. Generally, courtly love was secret and between members of the nobility. It was also generally not practiced between husband and wife.
[ right away the above statement should be a red flag that 'courtly love' is antibiblical... ]
Courtly love began in the ducal and princely courts of Aquitaine, Provence, Champagne and ducal Burgundy, at the end of the eleventh century. In essence, courtly love was an experience between erotic desire and spiritual attainment that now seems contradictory, "a love at once illicit and morally elevating, passionate and disciplined, humiliating and exalting, human and transcendent".
The term "courtly love" was first popularized by Gaston Paris in 1883, and has since come under a wide variety of definitions and uses, even being dismissed as nineteenth-century romantic fiction. Its interpretation, origins and influences continue to be a matter of critical debate.
Richard Trachsler claims that "the concept of courtly literature is linked to the idea of the existence of courtly texts, texts produced and read by men and women sharing some kind of elaborate culture they all have in common." (Busby) He argues that many of the texts that scholars claim to be courtly also include "uncourtly" texts, and argues that there is no clear way to determine "where courtliness ends and uncourtliness starts"."
Well, that sounds pretty yucky. But maybe chivalry is higher and better than "courtly love"...? Or at least, some parts of chivalry...?
Here are a few more links:
http://www.chronique.com/Library/Chivalry/code.htm - a distillation of chivalry principles: Prowess, Justice, Loyalty, Defense, Courage, Faith, Humility, Largesse, Nobility, Franchise.
http://mysuperchargedlife.com/blog/men-revive-chivalry-virtue-honor-love/ - with some practical examples of so-called modern chivalry
http://medievalisms.blogspot.com/2007/02/death-of-chivalry.html - I like this phrase: "...courtesy is rooted in practicality."
http://community.artofmanliness.com/group/chivalry/forum/topics/current-forms-of-chivalry
Quote:
"Have any of you cats ever heard of Southern Manners? I live in Virginia, below the Mason-Dixon, and In recent years have begun making every attempt to practice Southern manners. All allusions to slavery aside, as that is a thing of the past, and distasteful, I'm quite proud to be a Southern Man.
I open the door for women, I stop if I see them stranded on the side of the road (flat tire, etc..), if I see a mother with multiple children and armload/shopping cart full of groceries, I can't help but ask if she needs a hand. Standing up when a woman leaves the house, or the table (I'm working on making this one habit, it's a new one to me), as well as common table manners.... All these things are part of being a true Southern Gentleman, in my personal opinion."
Next, this five-part series from The Rebelution, a blog of Christians Alex and Brett Harris (brothers of Josh 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' Harris), including an interesting quote from Al Mohler. My basic question after reading their posts is: "From whom comes this call to be 'chivalrous' and 'gentlemanly' and to 'do hard things' in general? Does it come from God??? or from man???"
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/modern-day-gentleman/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/08/when-lancelot-comes-riding-part-1/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/the-big-misunderstanding/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/receiving-counterfeit-chivalry/
http://www.therebelution.com/blog/2006/09/when-chivalry-is-inconvenient/
Finally, http://marshall.freeshell.org/chivalry.html - This link is a great collection of actual examples of ancient chivalry and chivalry principles (and some courtly love principles). It includes such things as "defend the weak and innocent" and "avoid lying" and "be polite and attentive." This article is only perhaps one or two pages long and is worth reading if you are at all interested in chivalry and this discussion.
Those things sound great! "Defend the weak and innocent" sounds like Isaiah 58 and SO MANY other places in the Bible -
6"Is this not the fast which I choose,
To loosen the bonds of wickedness,
To undo the bands of the yoke,
And to let the oppressed go free
And break every yoke?
7"Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry
And bring the homeless poor into the house;
When you see the naked, to cover him;
And not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
8"Then your light will break out like the dawn,
And your recovery will speedily spring forth;
And your righteousness will go before you;
The glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
9"Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
You will cry, and He will say, 'Here I am '
If you remove the yoke from your midst,
The pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness,
10And if you give yourself to the hungry
And satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
Then your light will rise in darkness
And your gloom will become like midday.
Actually however, the Bible's teaching about love completely obviates, precedes, supercedes, and in every way blows chivalry out of the water:
Matthew 22
35One of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him,
36"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?"
37And He said to him, " 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.'
38"This is the great and foremost commandment.
39"The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
40"On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."
and
"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you." (Luke 6:31)
Here then is my basic thought about chivalry - Chivalry adds nothing of value to the Bible's teaching about love, but it adds a lot of dangerous cultural baggage.
Cultural baggage by itself can be bad, because it makes people try to safeguard tradition at the expense of God's law (Mark 7:8), but there is a deeper danger - chivalry makes people feel good about their own politeness and big public acts of altruism, leading them to deceive their own souls about their own actual inner wickedness and desperate need for God's salvation.
The good can be the enemy of the best. Chivalry can mask people's need for the gospel. Recall this short and hard-hitting story from Jesus (Luke 18) -
And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt:
"Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: 'God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 'I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.'
But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, the sinner!'
I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.""
Is there anything wrong with fasting twice a week or tithing? What does Jesus' story imply? Didn't Jesus himself fast and pay money to the temple?
Is there anything wrong with chivalry? If it gives you confidence in your own 'nobility' and 'courtesy' and 'integrity', it is leading you straight into hell.
Where is your righteousness? Where is my righteousness? If we are trusting in ourselves, we are lost! Only if we are trusting in Jesus and His death/life/goodness on our behalf are we safe and right with God.
At this point some one will say, "Tim, I agree with you on the importance of admitting one's absolute wickedness before God and one's absolute dependence on Jesus for salvation. But after one is saved, when we are urged to 'walk in a manner worthy of your calling' (Ephesians 4), surely chivalry is at least a reasonably correct set of guidelines?"
The aspects of chivalry that align with the Bible's command to love one's neighbor as oneself, yes. But are there not some aspects of "Southern Gentlemanliness" and chivalry that are purely cultural and have no love-your-neighbor value?
How about these questions toward figuring out what parts of the chivalry guidelines are useful and what parts are not:
- Can this practice be applied by either men or women? (since both men and women are required to love their neighbors as themselves)
- Does this practice demonstrate love toward the other person? ('agape' self-sacrificial love, not 'eros' "cant-stop-thinking-about-you"/romantic/'courtly'/Hollywood love)
How about some examples of classically "chivalrous" deeds (please remind me of any other classics that come to mind!)...
1. Holding open a building door for someone
This would seem to fit into 'looking out for the other person's best interest (Philippians 2)/agape love', as in seeking to minimize their expenditure of calories and sending a signal of friendship in being aware of their presence and small 'need'. Also, it's something that a man could do for a woman or a woman for a man. If the person being helped was physically weak or handicapped, it would definitely fit this category.
2. Men (specifically) holding open building doors for women (specifically)
This would seem to be a cultural artifact. Are women physically in "need of help" in getting the door open? Not in most cases. It seems to be a case of: 'Chivalrous gentlemen always hold the door open for women.' 'Why?' 'Because that's the way it's always been.'
3. Same as above for helping someone carry heavy items, assisting at a roadside breakdown, helping a beleaguered person in an unjust fight, etc. It would seem that these could be applied equally to men or women and could be expressions of agape love.
4. Standing up when a woman enters the room
How does this demonstrate agape love? Is this not a mere cultural tradition? If I'm wrong on these things, please let me know.
5. A man coming around to the passenger side car door to open the door for his wife
Again, how does this demonstrate love? Is the woman physically unable to open the door for herself? If the woman came around to the drivers' side door to open the door for her husband, would that likewise demonstrate love?
6. In certain African countries, it is the culture for men to laze in the shade while the women carry heavy loads of water pots, wood piles, etc and tend the gardens. In many places it would be culturally inappropriate for a man to "do woman's work" in helping his wife physically. But would "love your neighbor as yourself" call the man to a different role?
7. A man throws his coat down over a puddle so that a woman can walk over it
Hmmm... why not have both people walk around the puddle? 
Seriously though, wouldn't it be equally loving for the woman to do it for the man, or the man to do it for the woman?
8. A man helping his wife put her coat on, and/or a woman helping her husband putting his coat on...
Seems applicable to both men and women. What about a random man 'helping' random women put their coats on or random women 'helping' random men put their coats on? Eh... probably shady and thus unadvisable, depending on the situation.
9. A man offers his chair for a woman, then stands or takes a floor seat
This would seem to be potentially applicable for both men and women, as a gesture of welcome. I.e. a man could do this for another man, or a woman could do this for a man, etc. "Culture" and "chivalry" prescribe this only in the case of a man for a woman (perhaps from a background of trying-to-impress-the-girl?), but love would seem to prescribe this equally to and from all...? On the other hand, if the newcomer to the room was a pregnant woman or an elderly man or a handicapped man or someone else who could really use a seat, agape-love would seem to absolutely impel such behavior. I.e not "I'm giving up my seat because that's the type of high-quality man that I am", but instead "I'm giving up my seat because I delight to show agape-love to other people because that's the type of love that God has shown to me, wretch that I am."
Finally then, an exhortation.
It is a well known general principle that men tend to seek to be respected, honored, and admired while women tend to seek to be cherished, accepted, and loved. This seems to be part of the way that God has 'wired' us... and God's commands for husbands and wives perfectly fit men's and women's wiring: "Husbands... love [agape] your wives"; "Wives... submit yourselves to your husbands" (Ephesians 4-6 and many other places in the Bible).
However, if you try to get your satisfaction from other people (whether spouse, family, or friends), you will end up empty and broken. Your and my ultimate satisfaction, for those of us who are followers of Jesus Christ, will only come after this life....
Hebrews 11-13, 13:14 "For here we do not have a lasting city, but we are seeking the city which is to come."
Matthew 13:44 "The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field, which a man found and hid again; and from joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field."
Lamentations 3:24- "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I have hope in Him.'"
Women, find your satisfaction in the God who offers you true love (pathetic though you are)! If you're married, don't complain that your husband is unchivalrous to you. If you're unmarried, don't seek the perfect 'Southern Gentleman' and expect that he will make you happy. Instead, revel and be filled and satisfied with God's perfect, eternal, unchanging love, in Christ Jesus, for you! (and don't settle for anything less than a man who LOVES [agape] God and others, and seek to instill this in yourself too ("I, Isaac, take thee, Rebekah")).
"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written,
"For your sake we are being put to death all day long;
We were considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39, see also 8:28-34)
Men, find your satisfaction in the God who offers you true glory and honor (despicable though you are)! If you're married and your wife disrespects you and denies your requests and bosses you around, remember that God's esteem and approval is far more important to seek than hers... don't put your energy toward becoming a chivalrous gentleman; put your energy toward knowing God and making Him known. If you're unmarried, don't expect to someday find the perfect woman who will completely satisfy you, nor attempt to add more 'chivalry' to your life in order to attract such a woman. Remember Jesus' question "How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?" (John 5:44) and Psalm 73:25-26 "Whom have I in heaven but You? [God] And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Practice loving [agape] others (Genesis 24:19) as Jesus Christ has loved you...
Remember the inestimably glorious call of God:
Thus says the LORD,
"Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool.
Where then is a house you could build for Me?
And where is a place that I may rest?
"For My hand made all these things,
Thus all these things came into being," declares the LORD.
"But to this one I will look,
To him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.
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